How to handle Husband

Some TIPS for arranged marriage _ Pls take it as fun nothing Serious

2008-12-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

Arranged marriage

There are times in a person's life when he needs to take crucial decisions on his own. Marriage is one of them. Believe me, the decision on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in his life. After marriage, your wife is the most important person in your life. She can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very frightening.

Some of the questions that crop up are –

· What sort of a girl do I marry?

· Will she adjust in my family?

· How can I decide on a girl by just meeting her for a few times?

· When should I get married?

· This is my life. So, I should choose the girl I marry, but then what if I make a mistake?

…. so on and so forth…

I will try to address these & many more questions in the following sections.

The Nine Rules of Arranged marriage

· Rule 1 – Magic no. 28

In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at the age of 18. By the time she graduates, goes for her post graduation and/ or works for 1-2 years, she will be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5 years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she would meet many smart guys at college or during her first few years on job. So, in all probability it would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24 yrs. Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of pressure on the girl's to get married by the time they become 24-25.

Statistics says that there is a generation gap after every 5 years. So, in such scenario, one would prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4 years younger to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a guy to get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage, the better it is.

Well, as we all know, in the current market scenario, there will never be stability in our career. So, I believe there is no such thing as, "I will marry when I settle down".

· Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls

At times you hear statements like, "I am not getting the right match, I will look after 3 months, I will find a better match then". Well the truth is otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a match is fixed. From this subset, there would be girls who would get married & there would be new girls added who would be looking for a match. The net result is that at any given time, the variety & number of marriage-able girls are fixed.

· Rule 3 – Competition for girls

Like all other facets of life, there is lot of competition for good girls. In my own case, I was rejected by girls. So, if you are looking for a girl who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just think again. There are other guys who are also looking for similar girls & probably they are better off than you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given a choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai, but then for all Ashs in the world, there are many Salman Khans who also want to marry them. So, set your expectations accordingly.

· Rule 4 -- Understanding girls

You would have met a lot of people during your life. As we all know, its difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. I am sure you would agree with me that in case of girls it is even more difficult to understand them in a few meetings. I am still trying to understand my wife… ;-).. Understanding your spouse is a life long assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on a few meeting? This is where you need to take the help of your parents/ friends & latest technologies like email/ chat to choose your girl.

· Rule 5 – Society expectation

The selection process is tough on every one who is involved in the process. In arranged marriage, involvement of family & society is pretty high. You can't meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It is bad for her future. So, you should have a good short-listing criterion. Meet only a few girls & be sure what you are looking for. It is for the benefit of everyone involved.

· Rule 6 -- Marriage between equals

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you also marry into the girl's family. In arranged marriages, family support plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where the compatibility of social status, family values & caste/ religion plays a major role. Its important to note that in case there is a perfect match between the two families, the marriage is destined to succeed.

· Rule 6 – Know yourself

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you first marry a person & then fall in love. So, it's very important that you do a self-assessment on the kind of person you would love. They say, "Opposite attract", while they also say, "Bird of same feather flock together". So, you take a call on what sort of person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down the kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say, she should ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style of Monica, the voice of Sheena, the patience of Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect girl, but then you would have a good idea of what you are looking for.. The secret here is to set some minimum criteria for selection. Don't forget rule no.3 here.

· Rule 7 -- Girl's Beauty

A girl's looks attract, but then no one wants to end up marrying a dumb blonde. It is like buying your bike. When you initially buy it, you are crazy about the looks, but later on you love it for its reliability, fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly, a girl's looks are important, but then it should not be the most important criteria. Later on it life, you will get bored of her looks. It is then that her personality & behavior will make all the difference to your marriage. I am sure your parents will be able to advice you a lot better on this topic.

· Rule 8 -- Taking advice

As I have mentioned in the next rule, it's very important that the final decision on whom to marry must necessarily be yours. However, don't do the mistake of isolating yourself from the world while planning your marriage. Discuss with your parents & very close friends on this issue. They are your well wishers. Secondly, in such important matters its necessary that you analyze all possibilities. Remember, I am not suggesting that you follow others' advice, but don't forget to take their advice.

· Rule 9 -- Own decision

All said & done, it's your marriage & your life that is at stake. Once you are married, you & your wife are the only persons who will be facing the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things don't work out & you end up saying, "It's because of my friends or my parents that I married you", then your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl is of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for whatever happens. That's when the marriage works out perfectly. So, ensure that you marriage the girl of your choice.

How to approach the selection process?

From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process takes a minimum of 3 months. The whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:

· Definition phase -- Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking for in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans. Remember the Rule 3 here.

· Lead Generation phase -- Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends, family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember the Rule 2 here.

· Short listing phase – Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting biodatas. The general process followed for correspondence is as follows:

· The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/ herself

· Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope

· The initiator then sends the requested information along with a request for similar information

· The receiver send similar information

· If the biodata is selected, it is passed over to the next phase

· Casual interaction phase – Based on shortlisting, about 7 to 10 biodatas are taken forwarded to this phase. The next step to follow here is to exchange email/ chat ids. The guy & the girl then interact for 10 – 15 days to try & judge mutual compatibility through email/ chat.

· Family interaction phase – Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are taken for consideration in this phase. During this phase, the parents get involved & check the background information about the families to find mutual compatibility.

· The dating phase – Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken forward to this phase. During this phase, the guy & the girl interact by going out alone for 2-3 times. The guy needs to prepare a set of simple questions like who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? He needs to use his judgment to analyze the girl based on her responses.

· The D-day phase – Finally, the D-day comes when the guy has to select the girl he wants to spend his life with. If the process if followed systematically, there will be no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life partner..

Finally, my dear friends, marriage is all about compromises. In spite of all the planning that you do, there are a lot of uncertainties in a marriage. In fact this is the best part about marriage. Just remember that the person you marry must be of your choice. In such case, there would be no going back for both of you.

A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in the age-old virtue,

"Never do anything to others that you don't like for yourse

still women loves man

2008-12-19T09:07:00.001-08:00

Interesting facts

Men are like computers hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man

Men are like coolers load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man

Men are like chocolate bars sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man

Men are like coffee the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man

Men are like horoscopes they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man

Men are like cement after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man

41 ways to melt a women

2008-12-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

41 ways to melt a woman`s heart

Then you`re on your own

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she's coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.

7. Call her when you're feeling sad.

8. Kiss her eyelids.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.

11. If she's crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and **** between her legs.

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.

14. Buy her your favourite rock album of all time on vinyl.

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.

19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no-one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she's feeling down.

23. Take her to see your favourite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She'll notice.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.

27. Worship her breasts.

28. Give her jewellery.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.

31. Keep her favourite cereal on hand.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.

36. Read her a story when it's her turn to drive during a long road trip.

37. Offer to fix something at her place that you realise is broken.

38. Notice when she's wearing something new.

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

41. If she's too stressed to want sex...
a. Run a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

7 tips for a stress-free sex life

2008-12-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

Do you feel that stress is squeezing the fun out of your rocky bedroom life? If yes, then you can bring back the action, courtesy tips provided by sex educator and relationship expert Dr Yvonne Kristin Fulbright.

According to the expert, many couples become frustrated, even panicky, when their sex lives go to the wayside during stressful times.
When it comes to the factor that governs a person's sex life, its personality, reports Fox News.

Fulbright says that how an individual's sex life fares depends on whether he tries to get closer to his partner in tragic times or wants to be totally alone - and if he's the withdrawing sorts, then it can create misunderstandings in the relationship.

In order to avoid any such misunderstandings and still keep sex life full of fun and passion, Fulbright has suggested that couples need to establish a common ground and mutual understanding during stressful times.

Also, they should make an effort to stay connected during life's highs and lows, because if they don't, it could lead to dire consequences.

And in case, sex is not on mind and also the time to be spent in the sack is less, then a person can try the following:

1. Showing appreciation for one another. Giving compliments, for example, is a simple way of expressing affection and letting your partner know that he or she is still being noticed and loved.

2. Talking daily. Chat during dinner or at bedtime. Conversations foster bonding by providing support. It's also important for couples to check in with each other, showing concern and care for one another's well-being with simple statements like, "Tell me about your day."

3. Staying positive. Bite your tongue if you're about to complain. Stressful situations are hard enough to deal with. Don't add to the situation if you can avoid doing so.

4. Believing in your future together. Stressful times can make lovers doubt their ability to stay together for the long haul. Insecurity issues that arise can only make matters more difficult. Making plans is one way to indicate that you're feeling secure about your future.

5. Helping each other with responsibilities. Approaching tasks with a team effort provides a greater sense of being in this together.

6. Balancing 'alone time' and 'together time'. Create a sensual atmosphere, for example, soothing scents, dim lights, delicious food, and relaxing music, to help you unwind.

7. Getting creative in how you'll be intimate. Redefine your definition of sexual intimacy when needed; try a simple body massage.

Not to forget, lovers should make it a point to give in to one another's requests for intimacy whenever possible, as it might just prove to be a big stress-buster.
In fact, sex has many physical and emotional benefits, which may help in boosting your desire for more sex and emotional intimacy. Sex can easily take your mind off of your worries.

Also, patience is the key to get your sex life back on track. One should make sure that your relationship, in general, doesn't get neglected.

Skip the loo, my darling

2008-11-30T18:04:00.000-08:00

Things are looking up says a beaming Usha Chaumar, 33, formerly a manual scavenger. "We make pickles, vermicelli and 'papad' (spicy savouries) at home, too, which gets us an additional income of around Rs 2,000 per month." Renu Rakesh has more.

- Alwar, Rajasthan (WFS) - Sunita Nanda, 33, from Alwar, Rajasthan, is just back from the Big Apple. She had a terrific time there. While in New York, Nanda sashayed down the ramp with leading supermodels and also attended a series of events held at the United Nations headquarters, marking the International Year of Sanitation.

Her children are delighted as they listen to their mother describe the interiors of the plush UN Millennium Plaza Hotel - where heads of states and leading diplomats and, more recently, Nanda stayed.

But that's where the similitude between world leaders and Nanda, as well as the 36 other women from Alwar, who were invited by the Prince of Orange of the Netherlands, ends.

Five years ago, Nanda earned a living cleaning dry latrines and disposing off night soil by carrying it in containers balanced on her head. She had married into a family of manual scavengers and was quickly initiated into the 'family business' by her mother-in-law. She abhorred the work but since it was the only source of income, acquiesced to it. Between the two women, the family earned a paltry monthly income of Rs.400.

But all that changed in 2003 when Dr Bindeshwar Pathak of the Sulabh International Social Service Organisation met up with the women manual scavengers of Alwar district and resolved to liberate and mainstream them.

Through his NGO, Pathak set up a centre called Nai Dishayein (New Directions) where women are trained in vocations such as food processing, tailoring, embroidery and beauty treatments. The first batch in 2003 saw 28 women eagerly learning the new skills. The next batch saw the numbers double.

The women work at the centre from 10.30 am to 4 pm and earn a monthly stipend of Rs.2,000. Their food products, candles and other items are purchased by hotels and restaurants in Delhi and in the national capital region (NCR). "For a year, we couldn't sell anything that we produced because people said they were made by the 'untouchable' scavengers," says Santosh Singh, who manages the centre.

"For a year, we couldn't sell anything that we produced because people said they were made by the 'untouchable' scavengers," says Santosh Singh, who manages the centre.

But things are looking up says a beaming Usha Chaumar, 33, who explains, "We make pickles, vermicelli and 'papad' (spicy savouries) at home, too, which gets us an additional income of around Rs 2,000 per month."

"Initially, we didn't believe Dr Pathak. We couldn't believe anyone could liberate us from this age-old practice. But a few months after his Alwar visit, he invited us to Delhi for the World Toilet Summit and put us up at the five-star Maurya Sheraton hotel. The organisation also gave us Rs 200 as travelling allowance. When we returned to Alwar, we were sure our life was going to change forever," recalls Nanda.

Shakuntala, 35, another former scavenger, says, "Most of us are now literate. Some of us can even speak a few words of English. We now send our children to English medium schools. Earlier, we didn't have any say in such affairs. The family decided where our children would go for their schooling. The centre has given us dreams and we want to realise them."

Besides rehabilitation, the NGO works towards helping then gain social acceptance, too. The recent trip to New York is the result of such efforts. Earlier in the year, the women had participated in a fashion show organised by the NGO at the India Habitat Centre in New Delhi. They had walked down the ramp with leading Indian models like Marc Robinson, Indrani Dasgupta and Tapur Chatterjee, in apparel designed by them under the six-month-long guidance of designer Abdul Haldar.

The show was attended by the Prince of Orange of the Netherlands, who then invited them to the UN this year. The trip was sponsored by Sulabh International in association with the Irene Network, a UN voluntary organisation and the UN Department of Economic and Social Affairs (DESA).

"We could never ever dream that such a thing could happen to us. What happened in New York was much beyond our dreams," says Chaumar, who addressed the international community from the podium of the United Nations. There she spoke about her days as a manual scavenger, about how Sulabh International helped her do away with the humiliating job, and of her being the sole breadwinner of her family. Among her audience were leading diplomats and top UN officials. Later, Chaumar was unofficially crowned as princess of sanitation workers.

Talking about their visit to the Big Apple, the women say they loved the big-city experience - they were most impressed with the skyscrapers and enjoyed their trip to the Statue of Liberty on Liberty Island in the New York Harbour and the Battery Park in lower Manhattan. And what were their observations of the women of the metropolis? Though they were inspired by the working women in the city, the former scavengers were not too impressed with their clothes. "Less clothes and more exposed bodies. Our men would never let us wear such clothes and step out to work," says Shakuntala.

Of course, Nanda, Chaumar and the other foreign-returned women are the fortunate few in a state, which has the second highest number of female manual scavengers, after Delhi. This, despite the fact that Rajasthan had adopted the Employment of Manual Scavengers and Construction of Dry Latrines (Prohibition) Act, 1993. According to Pathak, the reason for the prevalence of the practice is the failure of the state to appoint an executive authority to prosecute violators of the Act. According to central government estimates, there are 342,000 persons engaged in manual scavenging in India. Voluntary organisations believe the actual numbers are at least four times this figure.

In Alwar alone, there are about 100 female scavengers, while Bharatpur tops the list with 600 as per figures sourced by the NGO from the state government. However, impressed by the results of the Nai Dishayein initiative, the Rajasthan government is now ready to provide financial assistance to Sulabh International to replicate the Alwar model in Tonk, another district of the state, where out of 225 scavengers, 190 are women. (Women's Feature Service)

Surviving a battle they fight every day

2008-11-28T17:00:00.000-08:00

In India's business capital, the NGO Sanmitra is helping HIV positive women re-enter the mainstream workforce, thereby ensuring them a life of independence and dignity. Sumita Thapar has more.

the industrial metropolis and the proverbial melting pot – ensures everyone learns the art of ‘surviving’ Mumbai; people living with HIV being no different. India’s migration capital has perhaps the longest history when it comes to an effective HIV response. Even as early as 2000, Mumbai had projects and homes looking at children affected (orphaned) and infected with HIV, and the community and civil society had already begun playing their role.

One important link in this chain of effective response is Sanmitra, an NGO registered in December 2002 and located in Siddharth Hospital, Goregaon. Sanmitra focuses its efforts on helping HIV positive women re-enter the mainstream workforce. Along with that, it has also been working among street-based sex workers and bar girls. The thrust is on HIV prevention, care and support. This includes treating sexually transmitted diseases; making women aware of services such as testing for HIV; for those who test positive testing of CD4 count; where CD4 count is below 200, helping them access free antiretroviral treatment (ART) from public hospitals. At present, Sanmitra’s projects reach out to about 1,000 street-based sex workers, 2,000 bar girls and 500 of their male partners.

According to Prabha Desai, who heads Sanmitra, the biggest challenge for people living with HIV today is stabilising health and getting re-enty into the mainstream labour force. “We cannot create artificial jobs in NGOs. Factories and offices are reluctant to recruit HIV infected people,” she says. Desai says employers hesitate as they are not sure if HIV positive people will be as punctual and efficient as the rest; if co-workers will accept their presence. “Employers are telling us, for now, we will recruit affected people but not those infected.”

She elaborates on the difference between infected and affected people: infected are those living with HIV themselves. Affected are family members, spouse, children, parents, etc. – those not infected themselves, but bearing the brunt of HIV, including psychological and financial effects. Desai observes that the employers are reluctant to take in the infected, but if there are any affected people, employers are willing to give them employment.

Desai’s solution to this situation has been simple: set up an enterprise for doing industrial assembling and packaging jobs, get work outsourced from factories and train and employ affected and infected people to do these jobs. In another initiative, Sanmitra trains affected and infected people, most of them young widows, to become HIV counsellors and para-health workers. Desai strongly believes earning livelihood is critical to one’s well-being. “How long can positive people go begging from one church to another? Is that the solution? We have to set systems in place so people can live well,” she emphasises.

Sanmitra’s income generation programme called the Swayambhu Uddhyam Kendra has found support from factories producing electrical goods. The Maharashtra Industrial Development Corporation (MIDC) has been supportive, as have large companies such as Larsen & Toubro. At Swayambhu, a 20-year-old AIDS widow with two children shows us how she assembles switches. Hands deftly hammering she says, “If I work fast and concentrate I can do about a 100 pieces a day.” At any given point of time, there are about 10 women like her who spend seven-eight hours here each day. They earn wages on a per piece rate. This adds upto a minimum of Rs 70 per day, some earn upto Rs 120. Over a month, they earn about Rs 2,000. The NGO gives them a bus and train pass, along with some basic nutrition in the form of a daily snack.

A 20-year-old AIDS widow with two children shows us how she assembles switches.

Hands deftly hammering she says, “If I work fast and concentrate I can do about a 100 pieces a day.”

As much as livelihood for its sake is critical, work also acts as therapy helping women heal.

Working with other HIV positive people in a safe and nurturing environment helps women reach out to each other. Being employed and taking home a salary gives them a newfound confidence. They work for a few months gaining foothold, and move on to other jobs. Some train to be outreach workers in health programmes or lab technicians, others take up sales jobs. People are encouraged to move on, so they can enter the mainstream again.

As much as livelihood for its sake is critical, work also acts as therapy helping women heal. Sanmitra believes in the power of peer counseling – people who have been through the experience themselves reach out to others. Its Ayush training academy runs three-month courses for infected and affected people, training them to be para-health workers and counsellors. Most trainees are young widows. The course runs over weekends and is offered free of charge. Of the 50 people trained over the last two years, presently, 10 are employed with Sanmitra and the rest with other NGOs.

Trained outreach workers and counsellors work as part of the community initiative under the government-run programmes for prevention of HIV and offering services to infected people. These include the PPTCT (Prevention of Parent to Child Transmission) programme and the ART (Antiretroviral Therapy) programme offered at public hospitals. Under PPTCT, pregnant women are counselled on HIV and encouraged to test. Women who test positive require constant follow-up, ensuring they return to the hospital for delivery. Under the ART programme, outreach workers act like a bridge between the programme and its users to ensure treatment adherence.

One woman counsellor says when she tested positive some years ago all she had heard about HIV was that “it is a death sentence”. Meeting Madhu (name changed), a peer counsellor at JJ Hospital, gave her a lot of courage, she says pointing to a woman sitting next to her. “I realised – we can live.” Another woman recounts the experience when she met Madhu, 33, who talked about her HIV status and her HIV positive daughter. “First, I thought she was lying. Then I thought – maybe I can live too. Before that, I had even thought of suicide.”

Over the last two years, Sanmitra’s outreach staff of 25 including 10 counsellors has reached out to over 1,000 infected people, mostly women. Trained women counsellors counsel pregnant women, outreach workers do home visits. In resource starved public health settings, these footsoldiers are doing remarkable work. Add to that the benefit of peer counselling. The power of peer counselling in enormous, say the positive women. They should know – they have been on the other side of the table.

Many HIV positive women face a double stigma – of HIV and also of widowhood. The trajectory of experience is similar in most cases: husband’s HIV status gets known, he dies some years later, leaving the woman emotionally exhausted and physically drained out. There is little or no family support. There are little children to be looked after. As HIV depletes family resources, there is emotional and psychosocial stress along with the economic. There are constant health issues – trying to ward off opportunistic infections, ensuring proper nutrition, especially those on antiretroviral therapy (ART). Bouts of sickness make it difficult for them to keep a regular job in a scenario where stigma persists and employers cannot be taken into confidence. Children’s education and nutrition remain their biggest concerns.

Thirty of Sanmitra’s staff of over a 100 are HIV positive – that’s one in three. They are motivated to match the mainstream in terms of skill and efficiency. “Everyone lives and works together. Positive people are sheltered – we don’t give them jobs that might put them at risk in any way. Some flexibility in terms of working hours may be required,” says Desai. “Earlier, MDACS (Mumbai District AIDS Control Society) used to insist that counsellors have professional qualifications. Now, our counsellors have passed tests conducted by MDACS in Grade A. That battle has been won.”

Desai says when women first come to the centre, they are traumatised. A couple of months of work helps them start rebuilding their lives. “Just look at them now,” she says pointing to their smiling faces. The women look confident and cheerful – it’s difficult to believe they have survived a battle they must fight everyday. Having experienced firsthand the near-death-experience and then bouncing back after hitting rock bottom with suicidal thoughts and severe depression, these women are extremely generous when it comes to reaching out to others. As HIV positive women reach out to each other and those newly infected, they are saving lives, and in turn finding a new meaning for their own selves.

"Every house should be a woman's organisation"

2008-11-26T17:15:00.001-08:00

Rural women have nothing to lose by speaking out. Urban women have their bank accounts, education certificates and some 200-300 saris in the cupboard. They have a high tolerance for violence, says Ruth Manorama, in this interview with Charumathi Supraja.

5 February 2008 - It's not the international awards she’s won. It’s not the people she works tirelessly with and for. It’s not the government policies she has shaped by her campaigns. What makes Dr Ruth Manorama remarkable is the smile in her eyes and the humanity in her face. It’s in the way she listens carefully and speaks out from a depth of understanding.

Ruth Manorama's voice has carried hope and positive change to the poorest and most oppressed in the country. Her efforts have drawn attention to the urban poor in general and Dalit women in particular. Winner of the Right Livelihood Award 2006, Manorama came to Bangalore in 1977, a freshly qualified social worker from Chennai. More than three decades, many struggles and victories later, she looks at her years in public service, with Charumathi Supraja.

Excerpts from an interview.

You did your B.Sc in Women's Christian College and your Masters in Social work from Stella Maris, Chennai. Yet you chose to settle in Bangalore.

Just after I finished my B.Sc I was unsure about what I wanted to do next. I joined volunteer service in my church. They were offering a 3 month course in Community Organization. It was a good exposure to the slums in Madras. I was exposed to problems of Burmese expatriates in Madras. That's how I got into the work of understanding the urban poor. Who are these urban poor and where have they come from? Then we went to the rural areas. I was appalled by the caste violence and discrimination faced routinely by people there. They earned Rs.2 for a hard day of labour. As students, we knew that was too little even as an allowance. The bus fare to Chennai, in those days, from that point, would have been Rs.10. People lived in such poverty and disease. Chronic diseases like scabies, anemia, etc. I started questioning the State.

Ruth Manorama trains adolescent girls in reproductive rights. (File pic: WFS)

How does the government make policies and not ensure that they reach the people they are meant for? How does the State tolerate atrocities committed against its own people? When my parents asked me to choose a subject for my higher studies and offered me the option of the Administrative Service, I didn't want to be part of the State system. I chose to do Social Work. It was a respectable, professional course in those days. I was offered the post of a lecturer in the same college. But I decided to take up the job I got in Bangalore in a training institute as a specialist for community development.

How was the city you moved into?

Bangalore was a simple city. Beautiful. Very good local people. I got a chance to understand the migrant population that trickled into Bangalore. Why do people migrate? They migrate in search of food and livelihood. They don't have any space to move into in the city. They squat on pavements, in slums, wherever they will not be shooed away from. The government views these people as 'unauthorized occupants', 'squatters,' etc. They claim that these people make the city dirty. I started working with them. My husband and friends were also interested in this work.

I make posters and put them up in the slums and villages. They reflect messages against domestic and caste violence. One of them reads, 'A real man never beats up a woman.'

We started a group informally. I saw that women are most affected by the problems in the slum. They have to trek long distances in search of water. They have no place to ease themselves. I remember in Byappanahalli, one woman died of a snake bite. One child fell into a deep well when she went to fetch water. I went with all the women of that slum to the slum clearance board and refused to leave until they sanctioned taps for that slum. It was a big issue. The women started mobilizing their own groups, approached the authorities and got their work done.

Tell us more about Women's Voices (WV) – the group you started.

Women's Voices is a Bangalore-based organisation of slum-dwellers, not a charity organization. From one slum, 11 slums, 17 slums, we now have 126 units. Women are fighting for different things. We facilitate. I have 10 women working for them. I know their daily schedule. They keep me informed. These are member based organizations.

What are the problems being tackled now?

Though we have met the basic facilities in most of the slums, all the problems have intensified. In the context of globalisation, in Bangalore, poor don't get anything free. Water is privatised. So is power. Those who have the means have allowed it. WV is fighting that the poor will pay what they can for these facilities. Land is being given only to multi-nationals who will anyway leave after making profits, but will keep the land. Today in Bangalore, people can consume more. Many families have more than one car. All around Bangalore, thousands of acres of land is being given away for a song in the name of business. It is like losing gold. When public wants to buy a house, there is no land or it is priced such that we can’t touch it. This city is not useful to the middle class. The poor were anyway on the edges of society. How then do we protect Bangalore for the citizens of Bangalore?

You questioned the caste undertones within the mainstream women’s movement in the country and carved an exclusive space for Dalit feminism. Why?

The voice of the mainstream women’s movement was dominated by upper caste women though dalit women were part of it. I studied the condition of Dalit women and presented a paper on it. I said that Dalit women are thrice alienated by caste, class and gender. The upper caste women who are victims of gender hierarchy can still come out of it since they have the social and financial means. Not so with Dalit women. I federated them and the National Federation for Dalit Women (NFDW) has got international recognition now.

How do you include men in the discussion on women’s rights?

I have opened up NFDW meetings to men. They bring us cases of violence against women and react strongly to them. I make posters and put them up in the slums and villages. They reflect messages against domestic and caste violence. One of them reads, 'a real man never beats up a woman.'

Young women often dismiss the need for a women’s movement of any kind. As a feminist, can you comment on that?

They do so because they have never felt deprived. Young women need to be part of an organization to understand how a 'collective consciousness' develops and works. Being part of a group enriches your understanding of things. It helps you to see better. I feel that every house should be a woman’s organisation. The children should be made to help around the house, so that they understand their mothers better.

Rural women seem to do better for themselves with a little help and support, whereas urban women, with their education and relatively empowered status, are content to stay within prescribed limits...

Rural women have nothing to lose by speaking out. As Marx said, the poor have nothing to lose but their chains. Rural women speak out once they've found their voice and space. If members from my organisations are teased while traveling in the bus, they bring the roof down.

Urban women are more conditioned, have their bank accounts, education certificates and some 200-300 saris in the cupboard. They can't imagine spending a night on the platform. They often hand over their salary cheques to their mothers-in-law or husband. They have a high tolerance for violence. I am often contacted directly by families of women experiencing domestic violence in Bangalore and asked to intervene.

You personally counsel them and provide support?

There are many stories there. Some are happy, some are sad. Even after we intervene and talk and give help, the women are treated badly, sometimes denied even food. We keep trying.

How do you balance your public life with the personal?

I travel a lot. I sometimes wish I could have given my children more time but I am sure they are learning from my role in public life. I tell them that nothing comes easy. I have worked very hard to get here. My wish is to bring empowerment to any woman who approaches me for help. Not that she will be a separatist kind of person in her house. But I would like to make women comfortable with who they are and to reach out to what they want to be. It's the only thing I can do.

How do you guard against the bitterness and anger that could come from fighting a long battle against injustice?

There has to be reconciliation after the fight. The victims have to forgive their oppressors and purge themselves of hate and anger. We haven’t reached that stage yet in India. When you are fighting for a reasonable cause, a justifiable cause, you don’t feel angry or tired.

A world without women

2008-11-19T18:45:00.003-08:00

How ironical it is that just when Indians are patting themselves on the back on having the richest man in the world in their midst, when the middle classes are celebrating the rising stock market and more, girls are being killed, women are being bought and they have to fear for their lives in many parts of this country, asks Kalpana Sharma.

In the late 1980s, when we had the first indications that technology was being used to ensure that girls were not born, a few people made rather prescient predictions about the future. They predicted that women would face much greater violence. They suggested that women would be trafficked.

These campaigners against sex-selective abortions were condemned as scare-mongerers. They were told they were exaggerating to make a point. Fewer women would mean a greater demand for them. That instead of dowry, women could demand a higher price for marriage.

Realities now

We know now that the opposite has happened. Many of the dire predictions made in the 1980s are coming true. In the states where sex selection is most rampant, there are entire villages where the men cannot find women to marry. So they are 'buying' women from other states. And in some instances, where the family can afford to buy just one woman, she is expected to 'service' all the men in the family.

In the states where sex selection is most rampant, there are entire villages where the men cannot find women to marry. So they are 'buying' women from other states.

An increasing number of studies and reports are now revealing that this is happening not just in Punjab and Haryana, the states with the worst sex ratios but also in some districts of Uttar Pradesh. It is possible that such incidents could be occurring in other states as well but have not yet been reported.

The 2001 census was a wake-up call. It exposed the damning Indian reality of falling sex ratios in the 0-6 years age group. The national average stood at 927 girls to 1,000 boys. Since then some efforts have been put in place to implement the law to check sex-selective abortions and to encourage parents with girls. But clearly, so far, the impact of such policies has not made a difference. The Third National Family Health Survey has revealed that five years later, the sex ratio in the age group has fallen to 918.

Meanwhile, according to recent reports, in villages in Uttar Pradesh and Haryana, women are being sold as 'wives' for as little as Rs.3,000. Impoverished women from Bihar, West Bengal, Orissa and Jharkhand are finding themselves in households where they do not speak the same language as their 'husbands' who have paid for them. They are expected to clean, cook and procreate. Ideally, they should bear boys. If they have girls, they have several reasons to worry. For one, girls in these villages are unwelcome. Second, in villages full of men, many of who cannot find women to marry, girls are unsafe. They cannot be sent out of the house alone. And even within the household, they have to be protected.

In some villages in Punjab, however, all the men in a household have access to the bought bride. She has no choice. Even if she is married to one brother, she must be available to all the other brothers in the house. Thus, polyandry exists, particularly in poor households where only one man can 'buy' a wife. Studies suggest that this is happening in the cotton growing districts of the state. Once prosperous, crop failures have led to an acute economic crisis for many farming families. Suicides have been reported similar to those witnessed in Vidarbha and Andhra Pradesh. Sex selection has ensured that there are too few local women available. And poverty has dictated that only those with money can 'buy' a woman.

Ironies

How ironical it is that just when Indians are patting themselves on the back on having the richest man in the world in their midst, when the middle classes are celebrating the rising stock market, when the media is openly promoting two Bollywood blockbusters as if they were essential news, girls are being killed, women are being bought and girls and women have to fear for their lives in many parts of this country. This reality should cancel out the euphoria. But it barely makes a dent. It touches our consciences for a moment and then recedes.

What should be done? In the states where the trend of eliminating girls has reached its peak, there is a social emergency. It must be tackled on all fronts. It should be a high priority not just for those state governments but also for the country. For, what happens in Punjab, Haryana and UP today could take place in any other part of India tomorrow.

But more than enforcing laws, and making sure they are effective, we have to work harder on the more intangible and deeper problem of prejudice and perceptions. Some believe that we will be a less biased society, and that caste, gender and communal divisions will be flattened out as we become more prosperous. Yet, sex selection has clearly shown that prosperity enhances and deepens inherent prejudices and provides the resources to act upon them. It is no coincidence that the most prosperous districts have the lowest sex ratios.

Changing perceptions

Can the media do anything to change perceptions? To some extent it can, although the reasons for son-preference are complex. A recent survey of advertisements, for instance, revealed that the majority of ads using a popular icon, like a sports personality or a film star to endorse a product, used little boys. These boys were not chosen on the basis of their looks. They had to be 'cute' and 'smart'. On the other hand, when little girls appeared in ads, they had to be pretty. You could not find a dark girl or a plump girl in any ad. Furthermore, most family images comprised man, woman, boy or man, woman, boy and girl. Rarely did you see a family with just one girl, or with two girls.

These are subtle normative messages that sit on top of accepted perceptions and reinforce them. You can never prove this because it is imperceptible. But if we have to change perceptions, or at least believe we should, then a deliberate attempt has to be made not to reflect popular perceptions but to try and alter them in some way.

Work matters

2008-11-19T18:45:00.001-08:00

There are many people who believe that women should do only women's work and that they should step out of their homes for paid work only if it is absolutely necessary. But the economy is denting such perceptions, observes Kalpana Sharma.

In Aurangabad, Maharashtra, a group of women have taken on the challenging but difficult job of burying or cremating the bodies of accident victims. The women are a part of a self-help group. Traditionally, most such groups engage in traditional tasks - womanly tasks, one might say such as making papads, embroidery, making paper products etc. to earn money. It is rare that you hear of a group that breaks away from the norm.

According to a newspaper report, the women in Aurangabad successfully won a contract put out by the Aurangabad Municipal Corporation for this task. Four groups of men had also applied and had asserted that such work was not woman's work. Yet, the 11 women of the Panchsheel Mahila Bachat Gat managed to win the contract. They are paid Rs.15,000 per month by the AMC for five bodies and Rs.3,000 for every additional body. The women say that they manage to save Rs.500 per body. And amazingly, these women have overcome their own aversion to such a job and their worry about what others would say, including members of their family. They strongly believe that victims of accidents, often unidentified, must be given a decent burial or cremation.

Gendered professions

This story is interesting because it raises questions about the kind of jobs women can do, or cannot do. While women with education have crashed through many barriers and broken stereotypes in this country, choices for work are limited for poor women. Much of what they do is unpaid work, particularly in rural areas where women engage in agricultural work. Even in cities, poor women either work as domestics or do home-based work for which they are poorly paid.

Then there is a class of women somewhere in the middle, particularly in urban areas, who have some education and want to have a chance at getting steady work. But these women face many hurdles, some of them unexpected. Another story from Maharashtra illustrates the nature of these unexpected obstacles.

The majority of Indian women are engaged in work through the unorganised or informal sector.

Newspapers recently reported the case of six women who filed a case in the Bombay High Court challenging the decision denying them the position of Assistant Motor Vehicles Inspector. Of the total of 207 posts, 62 were reserved for women. But there was a catch. The women had to be at least 157 cm tall. The reason for this, according to the department, was because the women would have to test trucks and big vehicles and would not be able to do so if they were shorter than this prescribed height. The women, on their part, argued that such a precondition was unfair, that they had met all the other criteria and that they ought to be given the job. Unfortunately for them, the Bombay High Court has ruled that the appointing authority was within its rights to lay down such rules. But the very fact that women are applying for such jobs is novel.

I was also told recently that in Bangalore city, women deliver the post. Post-women. Why did someone not think of this before? It makes eminent sense and gives another avenue for regular employment for women. And in Mumbai, women are driving taxis and in some other cities there are women auto-rickshaw drivers. Unfortunately, the experiment of women bus conductors did not last in Mumbai. But there is no reason why it cannot be tried again.

The majority of Indian women are engaged in work through the unorganised or informal sector. This means there is no job security, there is no assurance of fair wages, and there is no one to monitor work conditions. Also, even as women work in paid, underpaid or unpaid work, their choices are restricted, particularly if they are poor and uneducated. Even in the United States, a recent survey established that out of 500 occupations, one third of the women were concentrated in just 10 occupations that included teaching, nursing and bookkeeping.

Vital contribution

With the increasing costs of living, more women will have to find paid employment to ensure the survival of poor as well as middle class households. Such paid employment will also contribute to the economy in general. According to The Economist, (April 12, 2006) the increase in female employment in the rich world has been the main driving force of growth in the past couple of decades. Those women have contributed more to global GDP growth than have either new technology, or the new giants, India and China. Add the value of housework and child rearing and women probably account for just over half of world output.

Women's contribution to the economy has always been undervalued. Now economists are putting a value to their work, paid and unpaid. Of course, there are still many people in this country who believe that women should do only women's work and that they should step out of their homes for paid work only if it is absolutely necessary. But the changing nature of our economies and the pressures of survival amongst all classes, except the very rich, are already denting such perceptions.

The women from Aurangabad, Bangalore's post-women, the women from Bundelkhand that I had written about in an earlier column and many others are pioneering a real change in attitudes by doing what their mothers would never have dreamed of doing and what their fathers were convinced they could not do.

Fighting eve-teasing: rights and remedy

2008-11-15T00:03:00.001-08:00

Irrespective of the dress they wear, or, their ages, their looks, their educational, professional and marital status, never mind the time or place, women in Kolkata and elsewhere are being subjected to all kinds of harassment, including eve-teasing. Shoma Chatterji peels the layers and exposes myths.

Eve teasing violates a woman's basic right to live in dignity. Will women forever remain targets and victims of eve teasing? Will their rescuers continue to be unwilling martyrs to a dead cause? Before these questions are addressed, one needs to explore and analyse why, irrespective of the dress they wear, or, their ages, their looks, their educational, professional and marital status, never mind the time or place, women in Kolkata and elsewhere are being subjected to all kinds of harassment from obscene telephone calls, stalking, and last but not the least – eve-teasing.

On August 1, Sanjay Soni, a young man, tried to molest a girl inside a shared auto rickshaw in Lake Town in the presence of her father who was escorting her. When the girl tried to resist, the father asked the auto rickshaw driver to stop and began to bash up the culprit. A crowd gathered and beat up the man who was saved from being lynched by the timely arrival of the police. Some of the women who were standing in the queue at the Lake Town auto rickshaw stand said eve teasing and molestation are regular occurrences on the route.

On July 30 this year, Tabassum (name changed), a student of Class VII, studying in Cartauche Public School in Park Circus, was returning home in a bus on route 45. Unable to bear with the advances of a middle-aged man standing behind her in the crowded bus, she raised an alarm. Her co-passengers remained mute spectators. The bus driver stopped the bus when he saw an on-duty sergeant. Some bus passengers came forward to back Tabassum only when the police began to question her. Singh was later released because the girl and her parents withdrew their complaint. Almost all Kolkata newspapers reported both these incidents.

The law on eve-teasing

In the Indian Penal Code, the word 'eve-teasing' does not exist. Eve teasing is an attitude, a mindset, a set of behaviours that is construed as an insult and an act of humiliation of the female sex.

However, victims of eve teasing could take recourse to certain sections of the IPC. Section 298 (A) and (B) of the Indian Penal Code sentences a man found guilty of making a girl or woman the target of obscene gestures, remarks, songs or recitation for a maximum tenure of three months.

Section 292 of the IPC clearly spells out that showing pornographic or obscene pictures, books or slips to a woman or girl draws a fine of Rs.2000 with two years of rigorous imprisonment for first offenders. In case of repeated offence, when and if proved, the offender will be slapped with a fine of Rs.5000 with five years imprisonment.

Under Section 509 of the IPC, obscene gestures, indecent body language and acidic comments directed at any woman or girl carries a penalty of rigorous imprisonment for one year or a fine or both.

In 2005, Chandrima Dutta was waiting at the bus stop at Minto Park. She had to go to Dhakuria. As she waited, a whisper in her ear asked, "Want a lift?" Two twenty-year-old boys were the source of the whisper. Thirty-year-old Chandrima moved away towards the street. But they would not let her be. They started the bike they were riding. One of them pulled at her hand while the other slipped a hand around her waist. As she began screaming, the boys speeded away in their two-wheeler. The time was six in the evening. A sub-inspector at the Shakespeare Sarani Police Station (near Minto Park) narrated this to me.

Sometime in 2005, Reema Bose (name changed), was returning from the hospital at the end of the day from Deshpriya Park. As she walked along Motilal Nehru Road, an auto rickshaw suddenly appeared by her side. A few young men inside were guzzling beer. They began to throw bargains, whistled, teased and threw obscene comments at her. When nothing seemed to work, one of them got off the rick and tried to pull her into the vehicle. A mobile police van arrived in the nick of time and saved Reema. It was eight in the evening. (Reema narrated this incident to me.)

Kolkata is not unique. Women in Bangalore constantly face leers from passers-by, and taxi and rickshaw drivers. In buses, groping is common and on one occasion, when a woman yelled at the person touching her, she was thrown off the bus! The Mehrauli-Gurgaon road in Delhi has a lot of liquor shops and often, men get back into their cars and begin to drink after which eve-teasing is a nice and easy way to have fun and go on an ego trip at one and the same time.

Women's rights activist Maitreyee Chatterjee says that even a burqah cannot guarantee safety. "Section 354 of the Indian Penal Code which mentions the arrest of a culprit for attempt to outrage the modesty of women does not have any condition about the victim's dress," she says. Filmmaker Anindita Sarbadhicari says that eve teasing and molestation are acts of perversion. "It is foolish to think that molesters get turned on by the victim's dress. Then why are there so many rapes in Islamic countries?" asks Sarbadhicari.

Remedies?

Women constables in Calcutta's Salt Lake area sometimes function as undercover agents from the Bidhan Nagar (north) police station by acting as decoys. Three young woman constables were able to round up a total of 60 offenders within the first month of their operation in 2005. All offenders, say the policewomen, were aged between 18 and 28. This strategy was probably the outcome of the sudden spate of obscene calls hounding wives of high officials and ministers who live in Salt Lake, Calcutta. Film personalities like Moonmoon Sen, Indrani Haldar and Indrani Dutta, Dolly Roy, wife of Congress MLA Sougata Roy, Renuka Biswas, wife of CBI joint director Upen Biswas, Deepika Nanda, wife of state fisheries minister Kiranmoy Nanda are among those who were hounded by obscene calls at any time of day or night. But immediate deterrent action is often linked if the victim is a celebrity or has high connections. Democracy here is conspicuous by its absence.

An officer posted at Bidhan Nagar police station, Kolkata, thinks that laws against eve teasing are not stringent. "There is no law that can bring them to task," he says. "They are penalized with a meagre fine ranging from Rs.10 to Rs.100.00 or three days imprisonment in lieu of the fine. Until proper and more stringent punishment is meted out, one cannot stop this," he adds. To nab the teaser and hold him down is one of the most difficult tasks in law. Add to this the casual and indifferent attitude of the constable you take your complaint to. He looks at you with a smirk, chews on his paan and the look is enough to express that he does not believe a word of what you have said or better still, does not care!

However, eve teasing has now been given its proper status as a criminal activity – the law recognizes it as sexual harassment. The crime could not earlier be pinpointed as a 'crime against women' per se; victims can now take recourse under the law. (See box above.)

In Delhi, policewomen pose as women commuters and pull up men when they attempt to molest or tease them. But problems would arise if this action of pretence by the policeman were seen as entrapment. "Whip them black and blue," suggest some senior police officers of Bangalore, as a remedy. "Besides offering the victim instant justice, it would also help the legal system from getting clogged with cases where most often than not, the culprit is let off."

Cases against eve-teasers and molesters also difficult to establish because the victim runs away and never comes back. Why? "She has already suffered enough during the process of being teased and molested in public. Tremendous psychological pressure from the immediate family stops her from coming forward to identify herself. Besides, she has to take the same route to college. She is not the only one either. There are hundreds who cannot report such incidents even if they wish to," says filmmaker and women's rights activist Ananya Chatterjee-Chakraborty.

The pscyhology of eve-teasing

Women are often criticised for 'inviting' molesters by way of their 'seductive' way of dress and make-up. But this theory collapses in the face of rustic, illiterate and poor village women who cannot afford to dress seductively. What does 'seductive' dressing mean? Who decides what is 'seductive' dressing and what is not?

What a victim should do

1. The victim/complainant should go to the nearest police station and file a FIR within the mandatory rules.

2. She should note that the FIR is written down in the register and take the registration number or ask for a receipt of the same.

3. It is then the duty of the police to investigate into the incident.

Note: It is advisable to consult a lawyer before registering the F.I.R.

Another myth says that girls ought not to step out after dark and if they have gone out, they ought to come home before it is too dark. It is implied that the victims are perhaps to blame for men teasing, stalking and molesting them; this thinking is itself rooted in patriarchy. So, from childhood, parents bring up their sons and daughters by two completely different rules of censorship on their movements outside the house – geographically and in terms of time – one set of rules for boys and one set of rules for girls. The same 'logic' applies in mixed sex schools in India. Yet, when the girl grows up and gets married, she is expected to adjust to the 'outside world' of husband, in-laws and a different family altogether, something they have not prepared her for. The Maitrayani Samhita (Yajurveda) repeatedly says that a woman's body is not her own, so she cannot prevent herself from being molested. Violence thrives in the victim's acceptance of the victimiser's moral right, social superiority and physical power.

These myths could have been exploded through effective protests, but this has been fractional. When women protest against violence to their person by men, other women, social groups or the machineries of the government, they are again victimised. Covert or overt, direct or indirect, visible or invisible, structural or social, women are always both targets and victims of violence across the world. The eyes of the man who accosts a woman with evil intentions will be extracted, wrote Chanakya in the Arthashastra while defending the rule of Chandragupta Maurya. 2000 years later, the woman is not spared the evil intentions of men. Their eyes are hardly the only offending organs of their body used to insult a woman.

Eve teasing, like rape, molestation and sexual harassment, is generally understood in feminist theory to be an expression not of unbridled lust and desire, but of power. Eve teasing is a form of sexual harassment indulged in by men, never mind their intelligence or their education.

Men's elbows thrust out to brush against you; someone stands too close behind you in the bus even when there is enough space for him to maintain a decent distance; you must be prepared to encounter leers and comments if you are wearing a skirt never mind its length, or even a sari if the choli is a low-backed one; till the offenders manage to instill enough guilt in you for you to feel you should not have worn what you have. These are just a few strategies eve-teasers resort to.

There is a hidden agenda to a catcall, to a deliberate brush or to bottom pinching – show her who is superior. Let us watch her suffer humiliation and helplessness, the feeling of violation that burns through her each time someone darts that look and mutters in that alien language. The offence almost never meets with defence. The glory of watching one's insults being absorbed through her skin without fear of reciprocation is something men take malicious joy in. Most women are conditioned to pretend that they have not felt humiliated even as their whole being is simmering with anger. This reinforces the confidence of the offender. He savours his victory till he targets the next prey.

"Anatomy is destiny," wrote Sigmund Freud. The comment encapsulates the confining, narrow implications of the way in which women's physique and anatomy has affected the way they are perceived by men. ⊕

Love, Wealth and Success

2008-11-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.

"No", she replied. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in", they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"

The woman went out and invited the men in"

"We do not go into a House together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter-in- law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter-in- law's advice," said the husband to his wife.

"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!! !"

MY WISH FOR YOU...

-Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
-Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
-Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
-Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.

You have two choices right now:
1. Click this off
2. Invite love by sharing this story with all the people you care about.

I hope you will choose #2. I did.

2008-11-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

The Delhi Police's booklet containing tips for women from the Northeast to be safe in the capital exposes only their own need for sensitivity training. Not surprisingly, many northeastern students in Delhi are incensed at being portrayed as responsible for their own problems, writes Kalpana Sharma.

04 August 2007 - The Delhi police have given a new twist to the old tale of women’s safety in cities. In their desire to “protect” women especially from northeast India, they have issued a strange booklet. Titled “Security tips for Northeast students/visitors in Delhi”, the booklet sets out tips that are supposed to help women from northeast India feel safe on the streets of India’s capital.

For the uninformed, this might sound an unusual step for the capital’s police force to take. But Delhi is the place where several students from northeast India have been raped in recent years. The booklet suggests indirectly that this could be because of the way the women dress. So once again, the onus for remaining safe has fallen on the women.

The booklet, with an introduction by Deputy Commissioner of Police, Robin Hibu, who is an IPS officer from the Northeast, is remarkable for its language and its contents. On a dress code it suggests: “When in rooms do as Roman does” (whatever that means). Under security tips: “Revealing dress to be avoided.” “Avoid lonely road/ bylane when dressed scantily”. And “dress according to sensitivity of the local population.” The fact that for the male half of the local population, your being a woman is enough provocation to tease, fondle or attack irrespective of how you are dressed does not seem to count.

Inappropriate and offensive

I have only read excerpts from the booklet. For all its good intentions, it is clearly inappropriate and offensive to the sensibilities of women from Northeast India. Not only does it give gratuitous and useless advice to women but it also proceeds to tell everyone from northeast India how they should behave in Delhi. How else can one explain a sentence that reads: “Bamboo shoot, Akhuni and other smelly dishes should be prepared without creating ruckus in neighbourhood”. Smelly dishes creating a “ruckus”? This would be amusing if it were not culturally offensive.

Not surprisingly, many northeastern students in Delhi are incensed by this insensitive and pointless effort on the part of the police. Sensitivity training needs to be given to the police, not to the targets of attacks in Delhi. A woman journalist from Manipur narrated in an email discussion how she was almost dragged into an auto-rickshaw at 9.30 at night on a well-lit road with plenty of people around. When she called and complained to the police, she heard them say, “She’s from the northeast. Must have got into the rickshaw herself”. And this after she had identified herself as a journalist.

The booklet also raises yet again the importance of looking at our cities through a gender lens. If cities are safe for women, they will be safe for everyone. Gender audits done in cities like Mumbai have thrown up ideas that, if implemented, would make all cities more liveable.

For instance, mixed-use localities that are well lit are perceived as safer by women because they are rarely deserted and there are people around at all hours. Similarly, cities with a good public transport system are thought of as being women friendly. They are in fact people friendly.

Of course, not all public transport is necessarily safe and cultural factors do come into play. Delhi, for instance, has public transport but to use the buses, women have to wear armour. Even the separate “ladies” seats make little difference because getting to and from those seats is enough to drive you mad. And you are only “safe” for a short time, if you get the window seat. If you get the aisle seat even on a “ladies” seat, you have to be prepared to be leaned upon, groped, fondled, stared at, the works. Anyone who has used buses in Delhi will tell you that separate seats make little difference. Only separate buses would work, but that too when there are enough women to fill them. I personally know of instances where a lone woman in a Delhi bus in the middle of the day has been the subject of harassment from the conductor and the driver.

What do we tell them?

None of this is to say that women must not be on their guard. We know what life is like on the streets. So be prepared. Don’t be foolhardy. This is what we would tell our daughters. But we will also tell them to be confident, to be proud that they are women and not to get cowed down just because the world outside does not give them the respect they deserve as human beings. We will tell them to fight for their rights, whatever the circumstances. But for girls from Northeast India, there is the double burden of being different in terms of how they look and being women. To “protect” them, the police and the Delhi authorities need to launch a mass education and sensitisation programme for the police and the general public.

But to come back to the issue of women and safety, a poster by filmmaker K.P. Sasi, titled Rules for girls, circulated on an email discussion, gives a telling take on this subject:

Don't go out alone at night
That encourages men

Don't go out alone at any time
Any situation encourages some men

Don't stay at home
Intruders and relatives can both rape

Don't go without clothes
That encourages men

Don't go with clothes
Any clothes encourage some men

Avoid childhood
Some rapists are turned on by little girls

Avoid old age
Some rapists prefer aged women

Don't have a father, grandfather, uncle or brother
These are the relatives that often rape young women

Don't have neighbours
They often rape

Don't marry
Rape is legal within marriage

To be quite sure - DON'T EXIST!

Female Point System (just for fun)

2008-11-10T18:15:00.001-08:00

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) , In the rain (+8)But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy

(-2)

Named Rita (-4)

Rita is a dancer (-6)

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the

colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans(-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, 'Where?' (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks

like a concerned __ex-pression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the poor fellows for info & to the gals for a good laugh !

Happily Single or Happily Married

2008-11-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy because we will always want to have something else or something more. - Brother David Steindl-Rast :

Contentment is the key to happiness. If we are contented with what we have or whom we are, we will find true happiness. Success is not the key to happiness but rather happiness is the key to success.

Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you can still feel happy.-H.H. the Dalai Lama:

The process of being happy does not depend on others. You create your own happiness.If you love what you are doing , you will find happiness.

You can be happy as a single as well as being in marriage but I think I rather prefer to be married and being happy because of the joys of a family life and snuggled up in the warm embrace of a loving relationship.

Life is more fulfilling and compassionate when you have children in marriage. It gives meaning to what life is all about . A man who does not marry is like a fruit tree which flowers but bears no fruit.When he grows old, he will be cold ,lonely and living in an empty void.

It is not that they do not want to marry but their expectations are too high or too perfect and no one can live up to their standards or they have not found the right one yet.

If you are single ,be happy and if you are married, be happy too. Being married is full of challenges and if there are no challenges in life, life would not be worth living.

The seven ways to sniff out if your partner is true to you.

2008-10-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

The seven ways to sniff out if your partner is true to you.

Washington, Oct 25 (ANI):

Not sure if your partner is true to you?

Well, then here are a few signs

that may help sniff out whether he/she is lying or not.

Here are seven ways to identify a liar, reports FoxNews.

1. Consider the person's recall:

Liars never forget what they have to say ,

but they may stumble when telling a tale by making contradicting statements. They're also eager to change the subject.

2. Observe the person's overall body language:

Liars can look ill at ease, fiddling with their hair, stroking their throat, or rubbing their eyes. With their body often turned away from you,

you may notice hand or leg fidgeting. Liars also have trouble swallowing and may shake their heads after a point has been made.

When the subject finally gets changed, they appear happier and more comfortable, maybe laughing nervously.

3.Take notice of any defensiveness:

Liars will often take offence to any indication that they're under suspicion. They're likely to throw any accusations you throw at them back at you.

They will also talk too much,

feeling the need to over-explain themselves.

4. Home in on facial expressions:

Liars fail to control their micro-expressions.

While fibbing, you may notice nervous twitching.

Their hand may be covering or touching their face.

People also tend to touch the mouth when feeling guilty or anxious.

They're particularly good with fake smiles.

5. Don't overlook the Pinocchio reaction:

When a human tells a lie, extra blood gets pumped through the body

and the nose swells by a fraction of millimeter.

Liars may subsequently touch the tip of their nose unconsciously.

6. Concentrate on the eyes:

A liar has a troubled brow and downcast or darting eyes.

They have trouble directly engaging your gaze.

They also give you eye-accessing clues.

If the person is telling you the truth, he'll look up and to the left since that's the side of the brain we use for recalling information.

If she's lying, she'll look up and to the right,

which is the creative side of the brain, because she's mentally constructing something that hasn't happened.

7. Note the person's voice:

The higher the stakes are, the more the liar has a fear of getting caught.

With this, the liar has a harder time controlling his body language or her voice. The pitch or rate of the speech may change,

with the individual giving a lot of "umms" and "ahhs."

Often, a liar will appear stilted and monotone.

Answers may seem rehearsed.

The 7 Habits of Man & Woma

2008-10-22T08:18:00.001-07:00

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
DISCLAIMER:- This email is confidential and intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above and may contain information that is privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you are notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is strictly prohibited. If you have received this email in error, please notify us immediately by return email or telephone and destroy the original message. Thank you.

DESIRE OF WOMAN - WHAT SHE WANT IN MAN?~!~

2008-10-21T09:00:00.001-07:00

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. Breathing

Women's History month

2008-10-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

WOMEN PLS READ THIS GREAT !!!!

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PLAN TO BE GREAT MUMS, THOSE OF YOU, WHO ARE GREAT MUMS,
THOSE WHO HAVE GREAT MUMS AND THOSE OF YOU WHO HAD GREAT MUMS...

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mum to Mother...

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mum.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Please send this to 5 women today in celebration of Women's History Month.

If you don't, nothing bad will happen, but if you do, something good will: You will boost a Mother spirits

__._,_.___

The success of marriage

2008-10-19T19:04:00.003-07:00

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: " We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."

4 Top Natural Beauty Tips:

2008-10-19T19:04:00.001-07:00

Women all over the world spend millions of dollars on gels, creams, powders, and lotions all in the attempt to maintain or enhance their skin and beauty. Beauty is a universal theme that has been around since the beginning of time and all civilizations have had a natural beauty tip or two. Modern western cultures have taken the idea of beauty to extreme by resorting to plastic surgery, liposuction, injections, and other medically invasive treatments to gain a sense of enhanced beauty. There is no need to spend thousands dollars or resort to surgery, our 4 top natural beauty tips are freely available in this article for everyone.

First, natural beauty tip is to drink enough water every day. Drinking eight to ten glasses of water will solve many problems that you may be purchasing creams for. Drinking enough water will hydrate your skin and rid your body of the toxins and chemicals that are damaging your skin and hair. Flush the toxins out and hydrate your body with at least eight glasses and your beauty regime will improve greatly.

The second natural beauty tip is to eat fruits and vegetables daily. Fruits and vegetables contain the vitamins and minerals our body needs. When out bodies are fueled with the necessary vitamins and minerals many skin and hair problems disappear. Also, many fruits and vegetables such as carrot, oranges, cucumbers, and apples are known to be good rejuvenators for skin, hair, and nails.

Regular exercise is the third natural beauty tip that everyone should know. Regular exercise pumps oxygen to our cells, which in conjunction with water, helps to rid our bodies of those nasty toxins. Exercise does not need to be hours in the gym a walk around the block on a consistent basis will do wonders for your skin and body. Exercise also helps our bodies become more adept at digesting food which will allow the vitamin and minerals from the fruits and vegetables be absorbed into our bodies easier. Regular exercise also helps increase your energy level and sometimes can lift your mood. When you are happy and awake, you can look younger and feel younger. Isn't that what all the beauty products people buy are for? To create a younger you!

Finally and most importantly, do not discount the power of a positive attitude toward your beauty regime as well. Happy people are considered more beautiful in western society and having a positive attitude is the fourth natural beauty tip. Having a good attitude has been proven to lengthen your life span and boost your immune system, when we feel good we look good as well.

Natural beauty tips are really everywhere. There is no need to resort to a thousand dollar an ounce cream to achieve the same results you can get from eating right and exercise. Beauty really starts from within and following our 4 natural beauty tips can save you money.

33 Facts about Guyz

2008-10-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

33 Facts about Guyz

*really very true........ . ......... ..

Girls r surely going to read it

*Belive it or not........

1. Guys like their gadgets & bikes more than a girl.

Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.

2. Guys hate flirts.

3.When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.

4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about .

5. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

6. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

7. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

8. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

9. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow". ... so true.

10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.

11. Guys love their moms.

12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.

13. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.

14. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.

15. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.

16. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.

17. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.

18. Guys are very open about themselves.

19. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.

20. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty.. Even a small dot.

21. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.

22. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice ... very true.

23. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

24. Guys keep secrets that girls tell them.

25. Guys think too much.

26. Guys fantasies are unlimited.

27. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! ... very true.

28. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!

29. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.

30. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

31. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.

32. Guys hate girls who overreact.

33. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships.

Doesn't this all make sense?

Understanding miscarriage

2008-10-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

What is a miscarriage?

Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. About 15 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks. This doesn't include situations in which you lose a fertilized egg before you get a positive pregnancy test. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of fertilized eggs are lost before a woman finds out she's pregnant, because they happen so early that she goes on to get her period about on time. If you lose a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy, it's called a stillbirth.

What causes a miscarriage?

Between 50 and 70 percent of first trimester miscarriages are thought to be random events caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg. Most often, this means that the egg or sperm had the wrong number of chromosomes, and as a result, the fertilized egg can't develop normally.

In other cases, a miscarriage is caused by problems that occur during the delicate process of early development — for example, when an egg doesn't implant properly in the uterus or an embryo has structural defects that don't allow it to continue developing. Since most healthcare practitioners won't do a full-scale workup after a single miscarriage, it's usually impossible to tell why the pregnancy was lost. And even when a detailed evaluation is performed — say after you've had two or three consecutive miscarriages — the cause still remains unknown in about half of cases.

When the fertilized egg has chromosomal problems, you may end up with what's sometimes called a blighted ovum (now usually referred to in medical circles as an early pregnancy failure). In this case, the fertilized egg implants in the uterus and the placenta and gestational sac begin to develop, but the resulting embryo either stops developing very early or doesn't form at all. Because the placenta begins to secrete hormones, you'll get a positive pregnancy test and may have early pregnancy symptoms, but an ultrasound will show an empty gestational sac. In other cases, the embryo does develop for a little while but has abnormalities that make survival impossible, and development stops before the heart starts beating.

Once your baby has a heartbeat — usually visible on ultrasound at around 6 weeks — your odds of having a miscarriage drop significantly.

What kinds of things might put me at a higher risk for miscarriage?

Though any woman can miscarry, some are more likely to miscarry than others. Here are the most common risk factors:

• Age: Older women are more likely to conceive babies with chromosomal abnormalities, and to miscarry them as a result. In fact, 40-year-olds are about twice as likely to miscarry as 20-year-olds.

• A history of miscarriages: Women who have had two or more miscarriages in a row are more likely than other women to miscarry again.

• Certain chronic diseases or disorders: Poorly controlled diabetes, certain inherited blood clotting disorders, certain autoimmune disorders (such as antiphosphilipid syndrome or lupus), and certain hormonal disorders (such as polycystic ovary syndrome).

• Uterine or cervical problems: Having certain uterine abnormalities or a weak or abnormally short cervix (known as cervical insufficiency).

• A history of birth defects or genetic problems: Having had a child with a birth defect, or a family history (or a partner with a family history) of genetic problems.

• Certain infections: Research has shown a somewhat higher risk for miscarriage if you have listeria, mumps, rubella, measles, cytomegalovirus, parvovirus, gonorrhea, HIV, and certain other infections.

• Smoking, drinking, and using drugs: Smoking a lot, drinking too much alcohol, and using drugs like cocaine and ecstasy during pregnancy can all increase your risk for miscarriage. And some studies show an association between drinking four or more cups of coffee a day and a higher risk of miscarriage.

• Taking certain medications: Some medications have been linked to increased risk of miscarriage, so it's important to ask your caregiver about the safety of any medications you're taking even while you're trying to conceive. This goes for prescription and over-the-counter drugs, including nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) like ibuprofen and aspirin.

• Exposure to environmental toxins: Environmental factors that might increase your risk include lead; arsenic; some chemicals, like formaldehyde, benzene, and ethylene oxide; and large doses of radiation or anesthetic gases.

• Paternal factors: Little is known about how the father's condition may contribute to a couple's risk for miscarriage, though the risk increases with the father's age. Researchers are studying the extent to which sperm could be damaged by environmental toxins but still manage to fertilize an egg. Some studies have found a greater risk of miscarriage when the father has been exposed to mercury, lead, and some industrial chemicals and pesticides.

Your risk of miscarriage also rises with each child you bear and if you get pregnant within three months after giving birth.

What are the signs that I might be having a miscarriage?

Vaginal spotting or bleeding is usually the first sign of miscarriage. Keep in mind, though, that up to 1 in 4 pregnant women have some bleeding or spotting (finding spots of blood on your underpants or toilet tissue) in early pregnancy, and half of these pregnancies don't end in miscarriage.

You may also have abdominal pain, which usually begins after you first have some bleeding. It may feel crampy or persistent, mild or sharp, or may feel more like low back pain or pelvic pressure. If you have both bleeding and pain, the chances of your pregnancy continuing are much lower.

It's very important to be aware that vaginal bleeding, spotting, or pain in early pregnancy can also signal an ectopic or a molar pregnancy. If you have any of these symptoms, call your doctor or midwife right away so she can determine whether you have a potential problem that needs to be dealt with immediately. Also, if your blood is Rh-negative, you may need a shot of Rh immune globulin within two or three days after you first notice bleeding, unless the baby's father is Rh-negative as well.

Some miscarriages are first suspected during a routine prenatal visit, when the doctor or midwife can't hear the baby's heartbeat or notices that your uterus isn't growing as it should be. (Often the embryo or fetus stops developing a few weeks before you have symptoms, like bleeding or cramping.) If your practitioner suspects that you've had a miscarriage, she'll order an ultrasound to see what's going on in your uterus and possibly do a blood test.

What should I do if I suspect I'm about to miscarry?

Call your doctor or midwife immediately if you ever notice unusual symptoms such as bleeding or cramping during pregnancy. Your practitioner will examine you to see if the bleeding is coming from your cervix and check your uterus. She may also do a blood test to check for the pregnancy hormone hCG and repeat it in two to three days to see if your levels are rising as they should be.

If you're having bleeding or cramping and your practitioner has even the slightest suspicion that you have an ectopic pregnancy, you'll have an ultrasound right away. If there's no sign of a problem but you continue to spot, you'll have another ultrasound at about 7 weeks.

At this point, if the sonographer sees an embryo with a heartbeat, you have a viable pregnancy and your risk of miscarrying is now much lower, but you'll need to have another ultrasound later if you continue to bleed. If the sonographer sees an embryo of a certain size but no heartbeat, that means the embryo didn't survive.

If the sac or the embryo is smaller than expected, though, it might just be that your dates are off and you're not as far along as you thought. Depending on the circumstances, you may need a repeat ultrasound within one to two weeks and some blood tests before your caregiver can make a final diagnosis.

If you're in your second trimester and an ultrasound shows your cervix is shortening or opening, your doctor may decide to perform a procedure called a cerclage, in which she stitches your cervix closed in an attempt to prevent miscarriage or premature delivery. (This is assuming your baby appears normal on the ultrasound and you have no signs of an intrauterine infection.) Cerclage isn't without risk, and not everyone agrees on what might make you a good candidate for it.

If you're showing signs of a possible miscarriage, your doctor or midwife may prescribe bedrest in hopes of reducing your chances of miscarrying — but there's no evidence that bedrest will help. She may also suggest you not have sex while you're having bleeding or cramping. Sex doesn't cause miscarriage, but it's a good idea to abstain if you're having these symptoms.

You may have light bleeding and cramping for a few weeks. You can wear sanitary pads but no tampons during this time and take acetaminophen for the pain. If you are miscarrying, the bleeding and cramping will likely get worse shortly before you pass the "products of conception" — that is, the placenta and the embryonic or fetal tissue, which will look grayish and may include blood clots.

If you can, save this tissue in a clean container because your caregiver may want to examine it or send it to a lab for testing to try to find out why you miscarried. In any case, she'll want to see you again at this point, so call her to let her know what's happened.

What should I do if my practitioner tells me I've lost the pregnancy but I still haven't passed the tissue?

There are different ways of handling this, and it's a good idea to discuss the pros and cons of each with your caregiver. If there's no threat to your health, you may choose to let the miscarriage happen on its own timeline. (More than half of women spontaneously miscarry within a week of finding out that the pregnancy is no longer viable.) Or you may decide to wait a certain amount of time to see if it happens before having a procedure to remove the tissue.

In some cases, you can use medication to speed up the miscarriage process, although there may be side effects such as nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. If you choose to wait or take medication to try to speed up the process, there's a chance you'll end up needing to have the tissue surgically removed anyway.

On the other hand, if you find that it's too emotionally trying or physically painful to wait for it to pass, you may decide to just have the tissue removed. This is done by suction curettage or dilation and curettage (D&C). You'll definitely need to have the tissue removed right away if you have any problems, such as significant bleeding or signs of infection, that make it unsafe to wait for a miscarriage. And your practitioner may recommend the procedure if this is your second or third miscarriage in a row, so that they can test the tissue for a genetic cause.

What is the curettage procedure like?

The procedure doesn't usually require an overnight stay unless you have complications. As with any surgery, you'll need to arrive with an empty stomach — no food or drink since the night before.

Most obstetricians prefer to use suction curettage (or vacuum aspiration), because it's thought to be slightly quicker and safer than a traditional D&C, though some will use a combination of the two procedures. For either procedure, the doctor will insert a speculum into your vagina, clean your cervix and vagina with an antiseptic solution, and dilate your cervix with narrow metal rods (unless your cervix is already dilated from having passed some tissue). In most cases, you'll be given sedation through an IV and a local anesthetic to numb your cervix.

For a suction curettage, the doctor will pass a hollow plastic tube through your cervix and suction out the tissue from your uterus. For a traditional D&C, she uses a spoon-shaped instrument called a curette to gently scrape the tissue from the walls of your uterus. The whole thing may take about 15 to 20 minutes, though the tissue removal itself takes less than ten minutes. Finally, if your blood is Rh-negative, you'll need a shot of Rh immune globulin unless the baby's father is Rh-negative, too.

What happens after a miscarriage?

Whether you miscarry on your own or have the tissue removed, you'll have mild menstrual-like cramps afterward for up to a day or so and light bleeding for a week or two. Use pads instead of tampons and take ibuprofen or acetaminophen for the cramps. Avoid sex, swimming, douching, and using vaginal medications for at least a week or two and until your bleeding stops.

If you begin to bleed heavily (soaking a sanitary pad in an hour), have any signs of infection (such as fever, achiness, or foul-smelling vaginal discharge), or feel excessive pain, call your practitioner immediately or go to the emergency room. If your bleeding is heavy and you begin to feel weak, dizzy, or lightheaded, you may be going into shock. In this case, call 911 right away — don't wait to hear from your caregiver, and don't drive yourself to the ER.

Does having one miscarriage mean I'm likely to miscarry again?

No. Although you're likely to be worried about the possibility of another miscarriage, fertility experts don't consider a single early pregnancy loss to be a sign that there's anything wrong with you or your partner.

Some practitioners will order special blood and genetic tests to try to find out what's going wrong after two miscarriages in a row, particularly if you're 35 or older or have certain medical conditions. Others will wait until you've had three consecutive losses. In certain situations, such as if you had a second trimester miscarriage or an early third trimester premature birth from a weakened cervix, you might be referred to a high-risk specialist after a single loss so she can carefully manage your pregnancy.

When can I try to conceive again?

You may have to wait a bit. Whether you miscarry spontaneously or have the tissue removed, you'll generally get your period again in four to six weeks.

Some practitioners say you can start trying to conceive again after this period, but others recommend that you wait until you've been through another menstrual cycle so that you have more time to recover physically and emotionally. (You'll need to use birth control to prevent conception during this time, because you may ovulate as early as two weeks after you miscarry.)

I can't seem to get over having miscarried. How can I cope?

Though you may be ready physically to get pregnant again, you may not feel ready emotionally. Every woman copes with the grief of early pregnancy loss in her own way.

Some cope best by turning their attention toward trying for a new pregnancy as soon as possible. Others find that months or more go by before they're interested in trying to conceive again. Take time to examine your feelings, and do what feels right for you and your partner. Ask your caregiver where to get counseling or find support groups, if you think that would be helpful. You can also find support on our bulletin board Trying After a Miscarriage.

Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over Part III

2008-10-11T22:45:00.001-07:00

I asked all the respondents the usual questions about how long the marriage had lasted and what role each partner played within it. Then I let them tell me how and why they came to believe divorce was their only option. I also asked about life after divorce and whether or not it had turned out to be what they hoped for. In general, my findings supported the AARP survey in that the greater percentage of divorces among the long-married are initiated by women. Most of them stressed the positive and told me they were "pleased, "satisfied,' or "downright happy" with their lives. The men, many of whom called themselves "the dumped," "the duped," or "the abandoned,' are for the most part learning "to adjust, "to accommodate," "to get along.'

One man who coped better than most is the eighty-three-year-old whose wife of fifty-three years tossed him out. Calling her the "dumper and himself the "dumpee,' he decided that, having had a woman look after him all his life, he needed to find a new one. He remembered how the cruises he had taken as a married man were filled with single women, all seemingly on the lookout for a new man. It took three cruises, all of which "exhausted' him (he said euphemistically), until he found "a good-looking sixty-year-old who doesn't mind doing my laundry. His ex-wife says she is happy for him, as she fills her days with part-time volunteer work, plays bridge with friends, and dances in the evening with men her age whom she meets in church groups and at senior centers. What she likes best about her single life is that she has male companionship when she wants it but at the end of the evening she goes home to her own bed and they depart for theirs. "I'll never pickup a mans socks again,' she vows.

Divorce is different for the rich and famous. Here I found the largest categories of men who initiated divorce and women who are sad and sometimes angry because their husbands have left them for "trophy wives." A Jungian analyst told me she describes these men as afflicted with "CEO-itis. All their lives they have been taken care of by wives, secretaries, and various assistants who fulfill their every need and desire. They are imbued with a sense of entitlement, that they can have and should be given everything they want and as soon as they want it. An English man described himself as a "serial marryer,' who likes his wives in their twenties and wants to dump them as soon as they reach thirty because "they get broody and want babies.' That, he said, would interrupt their concentration on him. Another told me to think of a man like himself (chief financial officer of an international corporation* in a way that his several wives had never accepted, as a "prize stud bull." It was his "obligation to service as many cows" as he could.

Throughout the book, I have used two different forms to tell the stories. One is the composite, in which I create a fictional person to stand for the cluster of persons whose stories are so similar that one can almost stand for them all. The second is the case study, where one couple's experience either provides a blueprint for what causes a marriage to end or else is so unusual that it needs to be told separately. Because I promised everyone who talked to me confidentiality, I have disguised their identities by changing their names and sometimes their professions and places of residence. All the information contained in this book is the truth as they told it to me, but I have created fictional personae to protect their privacy.

I don t know how many answers I've provided to the question of why there is so much late divorce throughout the world, but I have certainly raised a lot of questions. There are the obvious reasons, such as the fact that people are living longer and healthier lives and many have more disposable income. It is only natural that they change and even more natural that they don t always change at the same time as their spouse: he may be ready for retirement and she may be deeply involved with a career or hobby, she may want to move to a retirement community and he might not want to leave the old neighborhood. One or the other becomes bored or disenchanted with the old, wrinkled person sitting across the dinner table and might want someone new and exciting.

Margaret Mead thought every woman needs three husbands: one for youthful sex, one for security as she raises her children, and one for the joyful companionship of old age. Perhaps this is what people want today and why so much divorce is happening. The feminist revolution that started in the 1970s got women out of the kitchen and into the workforce, where they learned to be self-sufficient and discovered that they liked it. There are still many women today who are financially dependent on the man they married a long time ago, but it is surprising how many of them are willing to risk the uncertainty of life on their own just to get away from the "control" (another big word often cited in divorces) their husbands exerted.

I use the phrase "social earthquake' to describe what is happening today It was coined by the revered American feminist Elizabeth Cady Stanton to describe a sensational adultery scandal of her time that led to a late-nineteenth-century divorce, and it remains resonant here in the twenty-first. Our contemporaries have tried to name the phenomenon; British writer Margaret Drabble deems life after divorce "the Third Age. Drabbles heroine thinks, in the novel The Seven Sisters, "Our dependents have died or matured. For good or ill, we are free."

A woman in New Zealand put it more bluntly when she told a newspaper interviewer that she looked at her husband one day after her children had left home and thought, "I don't want to be here. I don't need you, and I really don't like you.

Could that be the simplest and most direct answer to all the questions about late-life divorce? We need to find out, and I hope this book will be a good way to get the dialogue going.

Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over : Part II

2008-10-11T22:44:00.001-07:00

That evening, the agent who represents me in Europe phoned and in the course of conversation I told her about this book about late-life divorce I intended to write. She called the phenomenon "the European epidemic" and surprised me by saying that it was rampant in France and Germany. Germany, perhaps, I replied, but France? Didn't husbands and wives just go their separate ways, as all the movies and books portrayed French marriage, and didn't they stay married just to keep the money in the family? No longer, the agent said. European divorce statistics are fast catching up to those in the rest of the world. Even China was jumping on the bandwagon.

In the spring and summer of 2005 I had a chance to see for myself how common late-life divorce was becoming when I went to Australia and New Zealand to lecture, participate in writers festivals, and be a writer-in-residence at a Sydney university. People everywhere asked what my new book would be, and when I told them, so many came forward to tell me their stories that I realized it was truly a worldwide phenomenon.

But how, I wondered, would I tell these many different stories? As I am neither a sociologist nor a cultural anthropologist, I knew from the beginning that the book would not be a statistical survey or a scientific treatise. What I thought the book needed to be, and what I wanted it to be, and what it has become, is a collection of stories told to me by husbands and wives who chose to end long marriages, as well as the stories of adult children of late-life divorce, who told me how their parents' breakups affected them. My main objective was to let real people talk so that others might find in their stories something helpful - utility (guidance on how to divorce if they believed they had no other option), information (about the financial reality they would have to face after divorce, for example), or comfort (ways to live a satisfying life as a single after many years of being part of a couple).

I set out to collect as many stories as people wanted to tell me and to let them fall naturally into whatever categories or patterns they assumed. The AARP survey had 1,147 respondents, and initially I was hoping to amass about one tenth that number, or approximately 150 case histories. I began to interview in October 2004, and to my amazement, by the time I finished writing in early 2006, I had interviewed 126 men, 1S4 women, and 84 adult children. I continued to interview people until the writing was finished, for I learned something new with every interview and I wanted to incorporate everything I thought would be useful, helpful, and informative for those already divorced or for those contemplating it.

I found my subjects by word of mouth, as people learned that I was writing this book and one person told another, who had a friend, who told another friend, and so on. When I tried to describe my research methods, my sociologist friends told me I was using the well-respected technique of "snowball sampling,' in which information accretes to a point where it can be interpreted to give legitimate findings. Almost two thirds of my interviewees found me and volunteered to talk. In general, women were more open and eager, whereas men were not only hesitant about being interviewed, they were also more guarded and circumspect about what they wanted to tell me. Whenever possible, I tried to interview both parties to the divorce, but frequently - with about a third of the ex-couples - one or the other was so angry and bitter that he or she would threaten me with the dire things that would happen if I dared to contact the ex-spouse. I honored the request and did not initiate contact, but if the ex got in touch with me. then I conducted an interview. All the while I was interviewing, I kept remembering what a man in Switzerland told me when his wife ended their thirty-seven-year marriage: "There are five truths in my divorce: mine, my wife's, and our three children's. That was why I thought it was so important to get all sides of the story whenever I could, and why I also interviewed the adult children of divorced parents. It was interesting to me to explore just how the parental divorce affected the adult children's relationships and their attitudes toward marriage.

My respondents include straight, gay. and lesbian couples. They came from many social classes, from (to use some simplistic terms here) 'high society.' business elites (CEOs), and high-level politicians, to the stable managerial and working classes, to those I call the working poor, who hold service jobs or irregular employment. I also talked to divorce lawyers, mediators, and judges who specialize in what is euphemistically known as 'family law. To my regret, my study population is mostly white: I had too few Hispanic and African and Asian American respondents to relate their stories as being representative of a larger group.

Most of my interviews were conducted by telephone because my respondents lived throughout the world and the time and money needed for travel precluded face-to-face conversations. Initially I was disappointed that I would not have in-person interviews with everyone, but overall, when I compared personal interviews with those on the telephone, I found that the phone provided exactly the right degree of separation and the perfect buffer between people who were often hurt, angry, or confused and the stranger at the other end to whom they were confiding such intimate details of their lives.

Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over : Part I

2008-10-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

This is the first book to reveal the truth about the exploding phenomenon of late-life divorce, which has resulted in a seismic shift in modern relationships. Now, in a finger-on-the-pulse examination of this growing trend, Deirdre Bair, New York Times bestselling author and winner of the National Book Award, explores the many reasons why older, long-married couples break up. Having conducted nearly four hundred interviews with ex-wives, ex-husbands, and their adult children, Bair reveals some of the surprising motivations that lead to these drastic late-life splits, as well as the surprising turns life takes for all concerned after the divorce is final.

Although the standard assumption is that husbands trade in their spouses for younger trophy wives, Bair has found that, most often, women initiate these divorces because they want the freedom to control how they will live the rest of their lives. The realization may appear to happen suddenly, but Bair shows how it often takes many years and much careful planning before the ultimate "Eureka!" moment. We see that for one woman it happened when she asked her husband to help in the kitchen and he shouted angrily for her to keep her voice down so he could hear the television. For one couple, the decision to end their marriage arrived when the wife condemned their unmarried adult daughter for having a baby and her husband sided with the daughter, leading both partners to realize that they had never had anything in common. One woman in her eighties, married for fifty-three years, woke up after transplant surgery and announced to her husband: "I don't know how many years I have left, but I do know I don't want to spend them with you."

Bair describes current trends in late-life divorece, including the growing use of "mediators," whom many couples see as lower-cost alternatives to lawyers. She also provides fascinating examples of how people cope in the years after divorce. Divorce changes older peoples' sex lives in surprising ways, and Bair is candid in discussing what really goes on in their bedrooms. She presents the stories of those who elect to stay single after divorce, of others who remarry immediately, and of those who are puzzled to find themselves divorcing yet again. As Bair's subjects rebuild their lives, the reader wills see new possibilities for living in "the third age," and may be inspired to realize that there is indeed life after divorce and plenty of it.

Important, eye-opening, and truly groundbreaking, Calling It Quits is essential reading for an entire generation and its children, and an acclaimed author's most personal and most universal work.

Not every writer finds inspiration for a new book in a dentists office on a sweltering summer day. I was a nervous wreck waiting for what I knew would be the bad news that I needed an implant, and so I thought I'd divert myself by reading magazines. There wasn't much on the table and most of it - about hot rods, golf, raising babies - was old and tattered, but at the bottom of the pile I spied what I thought was the best of a bad lot, the magazine for oldsters sponsored by AARP (American Association of Retired Persons).

The cover was like all its others, featuring a photo of a woman who didn't look old enough to be on it (Cybill Shepherd this time), but it was the blurb for one of the articles that caught my attention: "The New Divorce: Why More Women Than Ever Are Calling It Quits 'and Why Men Don t See It Coming).' 'This was certainly intriguing, because my own divorce happened after forty-three years of marriage, and in the years since I had been told countless stories (whether I wanted to hear them or not) by men and women who had been married a very long time but who had, for whatever the reason, decided to live the next stage of their lives as a single.

Some gave the usual reasons: "He traded me in for a trophy wife younger than our daughter or "We had nothing in common anymore" or "I couldn't take his (fill in the blank - gambling, drinking, womanizing].' But I also heard a lot of stories from men and women who I thought lived comfortable, contented lives in financially secure marriages and who said that they didn't care what the future might hold, that they divorced because they could not go on living the same old life in the same old rut with the same old boring person. I heard a lot of remarks that all came down to one word: freedom. Women - especially those women who had jobs outside the home - were tired of taking care of husband, house, and children. Men who divorced told me they, too, were tired of the same old daily grind of working to support wives who did not "appreciate them and children who did not "respect' them. Another remark I heard often from both was "Its my time and if I don t take it now, I never will.

So I was naturally intrigued when I saw that the magazines story was about a survey that AARP had commissioned of 1,147 people aged forty to seventy-nine, all of whom divorced between their forties and sixties. The reporter called it "groundbreaking" because it put the lie to the usual assumptions, that men leave and women seldom find love and/or companionship ever again. The study found that women initiated the divorce more often than men, and if they wanted new love or companionship, they were usually able, eventually, to find it.

The article corresponded in large part to the stories I had been hearing from friends, associates in publishing and academe, and acquaintances everywhere from Paris to Zurich to Sydney, where the research for my biographies took me. People rushed to tell me their stories while I kept mostly silent, probably because I am a curious anomaly: a biographer who writes the intimate details of other peoples lives and tells few of her own. To cover my reticence, I joked, asking if there was something in the drinking water that was making late divorce the worldwide phenomenon it seemed to be.

Some of the stories I heard fell into the same patterns as those in the AARP survey, but most had original and interesting twists. I knew several couples in their eighties who divorced after sixty years of marriage. I knew women who celebrated their fifty-year golden anniversaries by announcing that they would be divorcing within the coming year. One woman had been married for fifty-three years, had never worked outside her home, had no clear idea of how she would survive financially, and had just undergone an organ transplant. She told me, "I don't know how many years have left, I just know I don't want to live them with him!" Her ex-husband said he "didn't know what hit him" when she walked out because he always thought "everything was just fine. We never fought, we never raised our voices.' And I knew high-level businessmen approaching retirement who told me they were 'frightened' into divorcing because, even though their wives fulfilled every life style-supporting role they needed, from giving exquisite dinner parties to entertaining clients to raising the children alone so they could concentrate on work, there was no intimacy between them in their showcase "McMansion' homes. One of these men said he "could not stand the loneliness any longer, especially now that he and his wife would be together "24/7."

I thought about these stories in the dentists office. Yes, I did need an implant, and we did set up the necessary appoint men is, but the dentist was puzzled that I seemed more interested in telling him I needed to filch his AARP magazine and beat a hasty exit than in his description of the dire procedures that awaited me. All I could think of was how fast could I get out of his chair and onto the phone with my agent in New York. I had barely begun to explore with her the possibility of turning the intriguing stories I had been hearing into a book when she burst in excitedly to tell me about the "late divorces' that were almost an epidemic among the "chattering classes,' as the publishing and writing communities are called. We talked about the writer whose wife of thirty-seven years grew tired of washing his socks - yes, washing his socks, not typing his pages - and left him to fend for himself in a Brooklyn loft while she went to Cape Cod "to find herself and write her own book, ~a self-help for other women who call it quits.' There was the very rich "lady poet' (she styled herself that way) whose husband of twenty-nine years (and a figure of respect in his own right but in a different line of work) got tired of holding her two tiny dogs at readings in obscure storefront locations, especially after they became old and incontinent. He left her to go and live in a studio apartment in a poorer part of Manhattan, where he watched television sports and drank beer from the bottle in solitary splendor at the end of his busy workday.

a husband's grief

2008-10-11T01:49:00.001-07:00

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why
did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's
first husband."

What a Woman Wants in a Man Love Humor?

2008-10-11T01:42:00.001-07:00

What a Woman Wants in a Man Love Humor?

What I Want In A Man, Original List … (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

Best Divorce Letter

2008-10-07T10:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Wife,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you FOREVER! I have been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either YOU are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case I am GONE!Your Ex-husband.

**P.S. Don't try to find me. Your Sister and I are moving away together!

Have a great life!Dear Ex-Husband -Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed,Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

28 Absolute truths....... frds are important

2008-09-30T08:39:00.001-07:00

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!!)

2008-09-30T08:37:00.001-07:00

Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!!)

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "

And they say woman are dumb...

**********

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

**********

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

**********

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

**********

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

**********

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

**********

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

**********

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

**********

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

2008-09-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Ads promoting female abortion: Who is to blame the advertiser or the people?

2008-09-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

Ads promoting female abortion: Who is to blame the advertiser or the people?

Article by Pooja

As said before, ‘raising a girl is like watering the neighbor’s garden’, defines the mindset not only of the so-called modern India but also of people residing abroad.

Lately, in Canada, certain advertisements for ultrasound clinics are promoting abortion of female fetuses. According to the plaintiff Charan Gill, of the Progressive Intercultural Community Services Society, ads promoting such ultrasound clinics are running in two Punjabi-language newspapers, the Ajit Weekly and the Hamdard Weekly, published weekly from Toronto, New York, Vancouver and California, and the Indian city of Chandigarh.

It’s really, really sad that some newspapers, for sake of money, are misleading the public. The end result is they will tell the sex of the baby so that people that don’t want baby girls can abort it

said Gill.

However, authorities who run one such type of clinic in Washington were reluctant to give any evidence regarding the ultrasonic data. But an Ottawa-based family rights group asserted that figures show a wide difference between the ratio of girls and boys.

We found gender imbalance between boys and girls looking at census data going back to as early as 1990

said Mrozek, of the Institute of Marriage and Family Canada.

Generally it is assumed that in India, female feticide is carried out by the illiterate class, hence, hour of the need is to educate those but what kind of education does these ‘literate class’ need who are making such unethical decisions?

Women Are So Special!!!!!

2008-09-28T18:24:00.001-07:00

WHY WOMEN ARE SO SPECIAL . . .
Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's
lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the
freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box
levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the
table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes
into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She
picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on
the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She
watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to
dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted
out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from
hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the
grocery store. She put both near her bag.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night
Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth
and filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish
and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and
the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and
turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw
some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation
with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next
day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her
6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and
visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV
and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed." And he
did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
'CAUSE THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL.......
(and they can't die sooner, they still have things to do!!!!)
Send this to five phenomenal women today...they' ll love you for
it! Then: GO TO BED!
And Forward this to as many men as you can so that they know why
women are so special :) .........!
God's very own creation! :)

Suicide is a philosophical problem of life. Did Soni have to die like this?

2008-09-28T05:36:00.001-07:00

BANGALORE: "Being truthful and honest has cost me my life. I am giving it for a cause. Save working women from humiliation," was written in bold letters in one of her suicide notes.

Soni (25), a softwre engineer working with Nokia in Marathahalli, wrote three suicide notes on Thursday night, before hanging herself in her house at Jayanagar 9th Block. She said harassment by managers Teja and Suchin forced her decision.

Though Soni committed suicide on Thursday night, the incident came to light on Saturday morning. Her father Jagadish, an official with BSNL in Mysore, tried reaching her all through Friday, but there was no response. Growing suspicious, he called her landlord. When they broke open the door, Soni's body was found hanging from the ceiling fan.

"Soni was complaining of harassment by her managers for the past few days. We even met and spoke to them. They assured us everything will be fine," Jagadish said.

Soni addressed one of the suicide notes to her parents and brother Sunil, another to her friend Venkat, and the third one to the media and police. In the last mentioned, she pleaded for stringent action against the 'people/manager who torture'.

In the note to her family members, Soni said both Teja and Suchin pressurized her to quit the job. "I always performed well, they didn't find any reason. So the b******* gave me less work. When asked, they gave bull**** reasons that I didn't entertain guys/team... I can't quit until I get a visa, but I am in a bad phase of life. I am going to die," she wrote.

She asked her parents to give all her money to Venkat so that he could do his MS. In her note to Venkat, Soni advised him to either get married or go back to Chennai. She also requested him to expose the problems her managers created.

Tilaknagar inspector Srinidhi said the police have started the investigations. "We will take action as per law," he added.

Women using words

2008-09-27T11:20:00.001-07:00

Fine:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:

Thisis the calm before the storm. This means â€œsomethingâ€ and you should beon your toes. Arguments that begin with â€œnothingâ€ usually end in â€œfineâ€ .

Go Ahead:

This is a dare, not permission, DONâ€™T DO IT!

Loud Sigh:

Althoughnot actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. Aâ€œLoud Sighâ€ means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she iswasting her time standing here and arguing with you over â€œNothingâ€ .

Thatâ€™s Okay:

Thisis one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man.â€œThatâ€™s Okayâ€ means that she wants to think long and hard beforedeciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:

Thisis the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman isthanking you. Do not question it, just say youâ€™re welcome and back outof the room slowly.

Mothers Love

2008-09-20T08:45:00.001-07:00

My mom only had one eye. I hated her... She was such an embarrassment. .
She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to
Say hello to me.

I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me?
I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, 'EEEE, your mom only
Has one eye!'

I wanted to bury myself.
I also wanted my mom to just disappear..
I confronted her that day and said, ' If you're only gonna make me a
Laughing stock, why don't you just die?'

My mom did not respond....
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because
I was full of anger.
I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.
So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
I had kids of my own.
I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my
Mother came to visit me.
She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her
Grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at
Her for coming over uninvited.
I screamed at her, 'How dare you come to my house and scare my
Children!'
GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!'

And to this, my mother quietly answered, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have
Gotten the wrong address,'
And she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house.

So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip.
After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

'My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and
Scared your children.
I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were
Growing up.

You see.........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and
Lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you
Having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my
Place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,
Your mother.

Send this to at least 10 people in the next 5 minutes to show you love your mother.
If you don't then it shows you have no heart

Always tell someone that you love them because you never know what day
Will be their last, or your own.

Always seek to resolve your problems or disagreements with loved ones
Because if either of you should pass on before, the one who is left alive will have the rest of their life to ponder those unresolved feelings but will never find closure. And closure usually brings
Peace...

'I asked God, 'How do I get the best out of life?'
God said, 'Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with
confidence. And prepare for the future without fear!''

SANITARY NAPKINS/PADS

2008-09-17T11:03:00.001-07:00

Do not use pad for more than 3 hours can cause cervical cancer & bacteria infection.

FOR THOSE OF US WHO USE SANITARY NAPKINS/PADS:

IF u ever wondered what were the ingredients that made popular brands so
'free! and light and carefree', well here's the bit:

The material that makes the pad so paper THIN, is cellulose gel. YEap,
it's not even cotton!!!!!!

DO NOT wear the same pad for more than 3 hours of a maximum!!! After
this duration, the genital area is prone to bacterial action and may
result in cervical cancer or other complications!!!!!!!!!!

REMEMBER! NEVER NEVER NEVER WEAR THE SAME PAD FOR MORE THAN 3 HOURS!!!!

SO yes, please pass on this message to as many women as possible and
save lives!!!!!!!!!!

If you are a woman and use pads, but especially if you use tampons, read
this and pass it on to your friends. For the men receiving this email,
please forward it to your friends, significant others, wife, sisters, mothers,
daughters, etc. Thanks!

Check the labels of the sanitary pads or tampons that you are going to
buy the next time and see whether you spot any of the familiar signs
stated in this email.

No wonder so many women in the world suffer from cervical cancer and
womb tumors. Have you heard that tampon makers include asbestos in
tampons? Why would they do this?

Because asbestos makes you bleed more, if you bleed more, you're going
to need to use more. Why isn't this against the law since asbestos is so
dangerous? Because the powers that be, in all their wisdom (not), did
not consider tampons as being ingested, and, therefore, didn't consider
them illegal or dangerous.
This month's Essence magazine has small article about this and they
mention two manufacturers of a cotton tampon alternative. The companies
are: Organic Essentials @1-800) 765-6491 and Terra Femme @(800)755-0212.

A woman getting her Ph.D. at University of Colorado at Boulder sent the
following: 'I am writing this because women are not being informed about
the dangers of something most of us use: tampons. I am taking a class
this month and I have been learning a lot about biology and women,
including much about feminine hygiene. Recently we have learned that
tampons are actually dangerous (for other reasons than TSS). I'll tell
you this - after learning about this in our class, most of the females
wound up feeling angry and upset with the tampon industry, and I for
one, am going to do something about it To start, I want to inform
everyone I can, and email is the fastest way that I know how

HERE ! IS THE SCOOP:
Tampons contain two things that are potentially harmf ul: Rayon (for
absorbency), and dioxin (a chemical used in bleaching the products). The
tampon industry is convinced that we, as women, need bleached white
products in order to view the product as pure and clean. The problem
here is that the dioxin, which is produced in this bleaching process,
can lead to very harmful problems for a woman. Dioxin is potentially
carcinogenic cancer-associated)and is toxic to the immune and
reproductive systems. It has also been linked to endometriosis and lower
sperm counts for men. For both sexes, it breaks down the immune system.

Last September, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) reported that
there really is no set 'acceptable' level of exposure to dioxin given
that it is cumulative and slow to disintegrate. The real danger comes
from repeated contact Karen Couppert 'Pulling the Plug on the Tampon
Industry'). I'd say using about 4-5 tampons a day, five days a month,
for 38 menstruating years is 'repeated contact', wouldn't y! ou? Rayon
contributes to the danger of tampons and dioxin because it is a highly
absorbent substance. Therefore, when fibers from the tampons are left
behind in the vagina (as usually occurs), it creates a breeding ground
for the dioxin. It also stays in a lot longer than it would with just
cotton tampons. This is also the reason why TSS (toxic shock syndrome)
occurs.

WHAT ARE THE ALTERNATIVES?

Using feminine hygiene products that aren't bleached and that are all
cotton. Other feminine hygiene products
(pads/napkins) contain dioxin as well, but they are not nearly as
dangerous since they are not in direct contact with the vagina. The
pads/napkins need to stop being bleached, but, obviously, tampons are
the most dangerous.

So, what can you do if you can't give up using tampons? Use tampons that
are made from 100% cotton, and that are UNBLEACHED. Unfortunately, there
are very few compani! es that make these safe tampons. They are usually
only found in health food stores.

Countries all over the world (Sweden, Germany, British Columbia, etc.)
have demanded a switch to this safer tampon, while the U.S. has decided
to keep us in the dark about it. In 1989, activists in England mounted a
campaign against chlorine bleaching. Six weeks and 50,000 letters later,
the makers of sanitary products switched to oxygen bleaching (one of the
green methods available) (MS magazine, May/June 1995).

WHAT TO DO NOW:
Tell people. Everyone. Inform them. We are being manipulated by this
industry and the government, let's do something about it! Please write
to the companies: Tampax(Tambrands), Playtex, O.B., Kotex. Call the 800
numbers listed on the boxes. Let them know that we demand a safe product
ALL COTTON UNBLEACHED TAMPONS.

AND FOR THOSE OF US WHO USE SANITARY NAPKINS/PADS:

IF u ever wondered what were the ingredients that made popular brands so
'free! and light and carefree', well here's the bit:

The material that makes the pad so paper THIN, is cellulose gel. YEAP,
it's not even cotton!!!!!!

DO NOT wear the same pad for more than 3 hours of a maximum!!! After
this duration, the genital area is prone to bacterial action and may
result in cervical cancer or other complications!!!!!!!!!!

REMEMBER! NEVER NEVER NEVER WEAR THE SAME PAD FOR MORE THAN 3 HOURS!!!!

SO yes, please pass on this message to as many women as possible and
save lives!!!!!!!!!!

Better to Start with TRUST, than Doubt!

2008-09-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

Many men and women have had to deal with this tricky but important decision in one's life. Be it at work or personal life we all face relationship challenges from time to time. The media continues to provide us with a variety of negative stories of how people got cheated of their possessions. Yes, when you learn of the story, we most often tend to sympathise with the weak or the one who got duped.

When our subconscious mind unknowingly gets exposed to such stories time and again, our inner mind cautions us to be careful with any one and everyone. And here probably lies the mistake. We seem to take the 'one size fits all approach'. We begin our every interaction by being on guard with lots of self doubts about the intentions of the other person. Every move and every action of the other person is seen from a very suspicious angle.

To add to the confusion within one's mind, we have a host of internal enemies of the mind in terms of one's own ego, jealousy, desires, anger, greed, fears, insecurity and inferiority to deal with. All these tend to wreck havoc within otherwise innocent mind creating further doubts. Now we may consult other near and dear friends and relatives for help little realising that they are likely to be biased either in your favour or against depending on the situation. Their opinions whether you like it or not is likely to further aggravate your ever growing doubts of the other person in question.

Since selfishness and self centeredness is the core of human nature, the same translates into everyday behaviour based on pre existing mindsets that are already heavily conditioned over the years. These glue-like mindsets coupled with die-hard habits form Concrete Wall-like Attitudes. That is the very start of Difficult Behaviours from otherwise well meaning people.

If you do not trust yourself, how do you expect others to trust you?

If you do not believe in yourself, how do you expect others to believe you?

If you do not love yourself, how do you expect others to love you?

If you do not respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?

Why men are never depressed

2008-09-15T08:58:00.003-07:00

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$200. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colo ur. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

How to Fend Off Urinary Tract Infections

2008-09-15T08:58:00.002-07:00

For women with painful urinary tract infections (UTIs), understanding and avoiding certain activities can lead to a happier and healthier life.

The ABCs of UTIs

The urinary tract carries liquid waste from the kidneys through the ureters to the bladder then out the urethra. A healthy bladder can hold between 10-20 ounces of urine at a time and triggers the urge to urinate when it's about half full.

When bacteria—typically E. coli—makes its way from the rectum and enters the normally sterile urinary tract, three types of infections can result:

Urethritis: an inflammation of the urethra
Cystitis: an inflammation of the bladder (the most common UTI)
Pyelonephritis (or kidney infection): an inflammation of the ureters and the kidneys (the most serious UTI)

Typically, urethritis and cystitis don't pose serious health threats, although they generally need to be treated with antibiotics. If left untreated, the infection may spread to the kidney.

Symptoms of UTIs include:

Painful, burning urination
Constant urge to urinate, even for small amounts of urine
Cloudy or foul-smelling urine
Back pain
Fever, chills, or nausea
Bloody urine*

Contributing Factors

Experts agree that several key factors contribute to UTIs. These include:

Sex

Many women begin their struggles with UTIs when they become sexually active. According to Dr Gillespie, while it's natural for some bacteria to make their way into the bladder during intercourse, it doesn't have to lead to infection. Dr Gillespie wrote You Don't Have to Live with Cystitis. She points out that UTIs result when the bladder is not emptying properly or becomes overrun with bacteria, which can happen when an ill-fitted diaphragm partially blocks the bladder neck or when there are abrasions on urethral tissue to which bacteria can adhere. Abrasions can happen when too much spermicide burns the outer edge of the urethra, when sexual positions drag the urethra up and down repeatedly, or when vaginal dryness leads to irritation (as is often the case in menopausal women).

Fluids

Women who don't drink enough fluids might be more susceptible to UTIs because their bladders are never full enough to empty completely.

Bathroom Habits

Women who go to the bathroom infrequently may also be more likely to get UTIs because when urine stays in the bladder longer, more bacteria can multiply. Dr Gillespie encourages patients to go when they feel the need. While she says it's important to urinate after sex, Dr Gillespie advises women not to run from the bedroom to the bathroom to "piddle." She recommends drinking a glass of water before sex so that afterward the bladder will be at least half-full and can empty more efficiently. Women are also encouraged to wipe from front to back to avoid the spread of bacteria.

Other Irritants

Snug-fitting jeans, underwear and pantyhose with nylon crotches, and other apparel that continually rub against the perineum and labia might cause abrasions on the tender tissue where bacteria can latch on, adds Dr Gillespie. Leaving tampons in while urinating could partially obstruct the bladder neck; additionally, sanitary pads are great breeding grounds for bacteria. Dr. Gillespie advises women to change pads regularly and remove tampons with every trip to the bathroom.

Treatment: What to Do and What to Avoid

Following basic guidelines can help shorten UTIs and lessen their discomfort.

Get relief: To ease pain and burning, doctors often prescribe pyridium, an anesthetic for the bladder that turns urine bright orange. Roberts warns that women who use these medications to mask symptoms without treatment might develop a kidney infections.

Get cultured: Many doctors now prescribe antibiotics to women with recurrent UTIs without seeing them in the office each time. However, some physicians believe that it is essential to stress the importance of taking "clean" urine samples to ascertain which, if any, bacteria is present. Any woman who suffers five or more UTIs per year needs a complete urologic evaluation to see if she has other physical problems.

Drink up: At the first sign of a UTI, experts advise women to drink plenty of water to dilute the bacteria in the bladder. This not only eases some of the discomfort, it also fills the bladder, which can then empty more completely. While cranberries contain a substance that appears to keep E. coli bacteria from attaching to the bladder lining, it doesn't kill the bacteria. That means cranberries are good for prevention, but not treatment, says Dr. Gillespie.

Take your medicine:Evidence suggests that for uncomplicated bacterial UTIs three days of antibiotics are generally enough. Cases that quickly recur and kidney infections might require longer-term antibiotic use. Kidney infections are much more serious and may need to be treated with intravenous antibiotics. For women who experience UTIs after intercourse, some doctors recommend using prophylactic antibiotics before or after sex. Staying the course with treatment can help keep future infections at bay.

The 7 beliefs of the super happy people

2008-09-15T08:58:00.001-07:00

happy people: there are so very few of them!

Who are this happiness superhero? Neither a lottery winner, nor the product of genetic engineering! He is a normal person, like you and I, who had learned some pretty important lessons. Simple stuff, superficially, but enormously potent when you deeply believe it.

1.       You are ok
You are as you are, with all your limits, with all your faults, the good and the bad. You have the right to exist and be happy.

2.       Your life is no accident
Your life has a meaning: it might be humble, it might be great, it might be rational, or it might be totally weird! No needs to explain it: it just makes sense.

3.       You can choose the life you want
You can enjoy what you have and change what you do not like.

4.       Your past is ok
There are things your are proud of, and maybe others you wish you had not done. There are periods in which life has treated you well, and others in which you felt so very unlucky. All is all part of your story, all is part of who you are.

5.       Your present is interesting
This crazy thing called life is so damned interesting!

6.       Your future is bright
Things will turn out well. If anything bad happens, you will cope with it and you will find a way to learn from experience.

7.       You are loved
Loneliness is just a state of mind: if you close your eyes, love is all around you!

Am I a super happy person? Well, I am getting there, but I am still having challenges in focusing on my present: the future always seems more interesting! I am also in the process of accepting my limits: a tiny part of me still wishes I could be perfect!

And what about you? Do you believe in all of the 7 points? Would you be willing to adopt a new belief if you knew it could greatly improve your life?

Tips to Stay Young n Happy Always

2008-09-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight, and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain get idle.
'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him or her!

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself.
LIVE while you are alive.

7 Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

12 signs you show when u LOVE someone

2008-09-14T04:28:00.001-07:00

TWELVE:
When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.

ELEVEN:
You walk really slow when you're with them.

TEN:
You feel shy whenever they're around.

NINE:
You smile when you hear their voice.

EIGHT:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.

SIX:
They're all you think about.

FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.

FOUR:
You would do anything for them, just to see them.

THREE:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.

TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice number seven was missing

ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself

so????
r u in love??....

You Cannot Live in Fear

If you dont make your choices, the choices will make you!!!

saY I LOVe yoU To yoUR LoVEd OnEs

2008-09-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

When U Were Only 5 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Asked Me: "What Is It?"

When U Were 15 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Blushed.. U Look Down And Smile..

When U Were 20 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Put Ur Head On My Shoulder And

Hold My Hand.. Afraid That I Might Dissapear..

When U Were 25 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Prepare Breakfast And Serve It In

Front Of Me, And Kiss My Forhead N

Said : "U Better Be Quick, Is's Gonna Be Late.."

When U Were 30 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Said: "If U Really Love Me, Please

Come Back Early After Work.."

When U Were 40 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Were Cleaning The Dining Table And

Said: "Ok Dear, But It's Time For U To Help Our Child With His/Her

Revision.."

When U Were 50 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Were Knitting And U Laugh At Me..

When U Were 60 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U..

U Smile At Me..

When U Were 70 Yrs Old. I Said I Love U..

We Sitting On The Rocking Chair With Our Glasses On.. I'm Reading Your

Love Letter That U Sent To Me 50 Yrs Ago..

With Our Hand Crossing Together..

When U Were 80 Yrs Old, U Said U Love Me!

I Didn't Say Anything But Cried..

That Day Must Be The Happiest Day Of My Life! Because U Said U Love

Me!!!

Please Appreciate Your Loved Ones.. Say "I Love You" To Them When U

Have The Chance Now!!!

7 shades of love

2008-09-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

"Love in the heart was not meant there to stay. Love is not love till you give it away". For love to be ever lasting and eternal every one should be aware of the different stages of love and know its significance. Following are the different phases through which you will travel in your love life and only those who pass it will have an endless love.

ATTRACTION
Attraction can be defined as something, which is more than friendship and is a step towards getting ready for a relationship. Now attraction is of two types:

a. Physical Attraction - happens when your body reacts to another person. Heart rate increases; temperature rises, palms get sweaty; stomach flutters; throat tightens; etc. This is what will tell you that you are ready for the first contact and also whether you are comfortable in the company of the other person.

b. Emotional Attraction - develops next if the circumstances are right. After being drawn to a person physically, you then begin to come closer. If you find you have things in common -- hobbies, ideologies, career, education, or some other common ground -- then an emotional attraction starts to form. Sometimes an emotional attraction can occur even when a physical attraction does not. And in this case, the bond will be stronger between the two who connect, since no preconceived notions based on physical appearance has occurred.

INTIMACY
Intimacy is something, which a person experiences when you learn to trust and believe your lover. It is a close association with another person of the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, feelings, and dreams. You feel free to discuss everything with this person and you are absolutely comfortable in his company. Thus intimacy develops gradually. If you can't establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years. Intimacy is actually the path to a true, healthy and beautiful relationship.

ROMANCE
Romance is the essence of a relationship. Without romance your love life will not exist. Romance is the true identity of your love. It brings out your true self and helps you be a better lover, husband and partner. Romance is a celebration of the life you live as part of a couple. It springs naturally and originates from within your heart. It makes you do things that you possibly couldn't have imagined to do otherwise. It shows you who you are and reminds you of the role you play in a relationship. Romance is not responsibility but it is caring about your responsibilities towards your lover and partner. Romance is the appreciation of two people who are celebrating the lucky coincidence that they found each other.

PASSION
The third stage is passion, which basically means a desire for another person, which has grown to an intensity that can't be ignored. This is often where an emotional relationship turns into a physical relationship. The passion stage is very important. For from here you will understand the true meaning and nature of your relationship. If there is no passion then its best to let go but if there is passion in your relationship then it is time to go on to the next stage.

COMMITMENT
The last stage is commitment. This is when you know that you want to spend your whole life with this person you love and you can do anything for him. It is when your whole world just revolves round your lover and you take a pledge to remain true to your mate throughout good and bad times, be by his side whenever he needs you.

Before Marriage And After Marriage ..

2008-09-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

Sex AFTER 50

2008-09-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sex after 50: How to hold onto the passion

Aging affects your whole body, so it's bound to have an impact on sex. A Mayo Clinic specialist offers tips for a satisfying sex life as you grow older.

Dr. Janice Swanson

Though movies and television might tell you that sex is only for the young and beautiful, don't believe it. The need for intimacy is ageless. Sex may not be the same as it was in your 20s, but it can still be as fulfilling and enjoyable as ever.

What aspects of sex are likely to change as you and your partner get older? How can you both adapt to those changes? Janice Swanson, doctor of psychology, a licensed psychologist and a specialist in human sexuality at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., has some answers.

Why is sexual health and aging such an important topic?

The changes your body goes through as you age impact your whole sexual experience — not just your sexual function. Sex education in the U.S. focuses largely on coming into adulthood and not on what happens to your body during the aging process. When confronted with the normal changes of aging, you may feel as ill-prepared and awkward about sex as you did during your first sexual experiences as an adolescent.

Not much has been written about this complex transition, but that's changing. People are living longer than they ever have before, and many have the expectation of being sexually active for the majority of their years.

Specifically, what can you do to maintain a satisfying sex life as you get older?

Most important, communicate with your partner. It sounds simple, but it can't happen unless you actually set aside time to be sensual and sexual together.

When you're spending intimate time with your partner, verbalize your thoughts about lovemaking. Tell your partner what you want from him or her. Be honest about what you're experiencing physically and emotionally as your body undergoes the inevitable changes of aging.

More generally, it never hurts to do some reading. Learn about sex during the second half of life. Often, books include helpful exercises and suggestions — such as sensual massage, different types of foreplay and sexual variety — that can help you.

How do the changes in men's bodies as they age affect sexual health?

For men, testosterone plays a critical role in the sexual experience. Men's testosterone levels are highest in their late teens. After that, they gradually fall throughout the lifespan. By the time men reach age 60 to 65, most will notice a difference in their sexual response. The penis may take longer to become erect, and erections may not be as firm. It may also take longer to achieve full arousal and to have orgasmic and ejaculatory experiences.

Another significant change is in the actual chemistry of an erection. A chemical the body produces to help sustain engorgement of the penis has a shorter duration of activity as men get older. Drugs such as sildenafil (Viagra), vardenafil (Levitra) and tadalafil (Cialis) have been introduced to help with the general functioning of that biochemistry.

What physical changes in women as they age impact their sexual health?

As women approach menopause, they experience a hormonal transition very similar to the one they reached in adolescence — except that now, instead of starting up, their cycles are shutting down. The amount of estrogen their bodies produce declines. As a result, many women feel noticeably less receptive to their partners' sexual overtures. They also may miss that midcycle spark of interest that reproductive biology gave them. And because estrogen affects the brain, women may experience emotional changes as well.

What kinds of medical conditions can cause problems with sexual health?

Any condition that affects general health and well-being is also going to affect sexual function. Illnesses that involve the cardiovascular system, high blood pressure, diabetes, hormonal problems, depression or anxiety — and the medications used to treat these conditions — could pose a potential problem for your sexual health.

Your blood pressure, for instance, could affect your ability to become aroused, as could the medication you take to treat high blood pressure. For a man, this might mean difficulty in getting an erection. For a woman, it might affect how her clitoris engorges.

What people often don't think about is the emotional effects of having an ailment. After a heart attack, for instance, you could become depressed because the experience drove home the fact of your mortality. One of the symptoms of depression is the loss of pleasure or sexual interest. So even though the heart attack itself may have no direct effect on your sexual functioning, your emotions may disrupt it.

What can you do if you suspect your medications are having a negative effect on your sexual health?

Certain medications can inhibit each part of your sexual response, including your desire for sex, your ability to become aroused and your orgasmic function. If you think you may be experiencing sexual side effects from a medication, talk with your doctor. It may be possible to switch to a different medication with fewer known sexual side effects.

Don't let embarrassment keep you from asking for your doctor's help. But don't stop taking prescribed medication before discussing it with your doctor, either, even if that medication seems to be messing up your sex life. The results of quitting therapy can be much worse than the side effects.

The situation gets more complicated if you have to take not just one but several medications — each of which can have a different effect on your sexual function. In this case, sexual flexibility, including the type of sexual activity you engage in and how you approach it, can be helpful. Your sexual relationship can evolve to meet your changing medical circumstances.

How can surgical procedures have an impact on your sexual health?

Any surgical procedure that affects your pelvis and your central nervous system is going to have a temporary — but often significant — impact on how you respond sexually. Over the long term, though, the body is amazingly resilient. Given time for healing and some loving attention to stimulation, you can become sexually responsive again.

Is there any age at which you can stop being concerned about having safe sex?

No. People of all ages should remain vigilant about practicing safe sex. If you're having sex with new or different partners, talk with your doctor about your risk of sexually transmitted diseases.

If you're in a monogamous relationship, and you've both been tested twice, then you probably don't need to worry about protection. But you need to go through the process of finding out that you and your partner are disease-free. Until you know for sure, use condoms or some other form of protection.

What sexual health concerns are most common in long-term relationships, say 30 years or longer?

The most common concerns between couples are discrepancies of libido and maintaining passion for each other. Sexual concerns like these are normal. They're not a sign that the relationship is over. Instead, they're an opportunity for growth. If you don't know what's needed for you to grow or where to turn for help, you may avoid your partner's advances, rather than engage them. It's engagement that leads to growth and a much more fulfilling sexual experience for both of you.

What do you tell a couple when one wants to engage and one wants to avoid?

Couples can become polarized — one person initiates contact while the other avoids it. What's most helpful is to recognize that's what's happening. If you're the one who's mainly avoiding, you need to take charge of some engagement. And if you're the one who's already engaged, continue to tell your partner what you need, but try not to carry the sole responsibility for initiating every sexual experience.

Also helpful is to get an understanding — if you're in a heterosexual relationship — of how your opposite-sex partner's body really works. That way, you can appreciate the context of your partner's needs. It's often said that men have sex in order to feel close, and women need to feel close to have sex. You can find a middle ground, though. If men focus on being romantic and women put less effort into experiencing sex the same way men do, you can usually find the sexual flexibility that accommodates both your needs.

How can a couple adjust sexually when one partner becomes a caregiver to the other because of illness?

If you're the one who's ill, your sexuality may take a backseat to survival or treating your illness. Pain, discomfort, medications or worry can overshadow your sexual desire. If you're the caregiver, your sexual desire might be compromised by the stress of dealing with the situation or the demands of caring for your partner.

You both need to be able to grieve what's happening in your relationship. As a caregiver, be aware of your changing role. Find a way to set aside the caregiver role from time to time, and be a partner instead — so that you can relax and feel nurtured by your partner. That way, you can enjoy a mutually satisfying sexual encounter.

Where can a couple having problems find resources to help them out?

Start at a good bookstore with a well-stocked human sexuality section. You'll find helpful resources geared specifically toward sexuality during the second half of life. Beginning at a bookstore, rather than a video store, usually provides better references and resources for a couple seeking help.

Talk with your doctor if you and your partner have worked on a particular concern for six months and what you've tried just isn't working for you. Your doctor may be able to provide useful suggestions, or he or she can refer you to a sexual medicine specialist.

What are the main questions couples ask and how do you counsel them?

Often, couples ask, "What is normal?" There's a wide range of what's considered normal, and it varies depending on each individual and each relationship. More importantly, ask yourselves what is satisfying and mutually acceptable to the two of you. One partner may be ready for certain sexual experiences, but the other person isn't ready for that. You, as a couple, need to practice some sexual flexibility, understand where your bodies are in terms of age-related physical changes, and communicate your needs effectively.

Another question that comes up for couples in the second half of life is, "How do we handle these changes in our bodies?" Often, couples want to know how to get back sexual arousal and sexual activity that they experienced in their 20s, 30s and early 40s. Instead, think about how things are changing for you, and learn how you can optimize your body's response for sexual experiences in the here and now. This takes a combination of education, sexual flexibility, communication with your partner and understanding of each other's bodies.

Finally, couples often ask, "How do I tell my partner what I really need or what I really want?" You may be so worried about hurting your partner's feelings that you can't be candid about your needs. Deal with this concern by speaking about your own experience. Use "I" statements — such as "I think my body responds better when ... " or "I find that as I get older I need more touch all over my body ... " — to break down barriers in communication with your partner.

SENIOR SEX: Tips for older men

2008-09-10T18:45:00.000-07:00

Senior sex: Tips for older men

Sex and the older man: What you can do to maintain a healthy and enjoyable sex life as you grow older.

Getting older changes sexual function and desire. Senior sex isn't the same as it was in your 20s — but it can still be satisfying. Contrary to common myths about sexuality and older adults, sex is not just for the young. Many seniors continue to enjoy their sexuality into their 80s and beyond.

A healthy sex life is not only fulfilling — but also good for other aspects of your life, including your physical health and self-esteem. Adapting to your changing body can help you maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life. But you may have to make a few changes, such as allowing yourself more time to become aroused and talking more openly with your partner.

Senior sex: What changes as men get older?

As men age, testosterone levels decline and changes in desire and sexual function are common. They include:

Decreased sexual interest
A need for more stimulation to achieve and maintain an erection and orgasm
Shorter orgasms
Less forceful ejaculation and less semen ejaculated
Longer time needed to achieve another erection after ejaculation

Your health also can have a big impact on your sex life and sexual performance. If you or your partner is in poor health or has a chronic health condition such as heart disease or arthritis, sex and intimacy become more challenging.

Certain surgeries and many medications such as blood pressure medications, antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs can affect sexual function. But just because you aren't as spry as you once were doesn't mean you can't enjoy a healthy sex life. You need to adapt to your changing body and know your limitations. Focus on ways of being sexual and intimate that work for you and your partner. Talk with your doctor about your concerns.

Tips to maintain a healthy sex life later in life:

Communicate with your partner. Open discussion of sex has become much more common in the last 40 years, but many older adults come from a generation where sex remains a taboo subject. But openly talking about your needs, desires and concerns with your partner can make you closer and help you both enjoy sex and intimacy more.

Talk to your doctor. Talking about sexual issues with your doctor can help you maintain a healthy sex life as you get older. Your doctor can help you manage chronic conditions and medications that affect your sex life. Many older men have trouble maintaining an erection or reaching orgasm. Your doctor may be able to prescribe medications or other treatments for these problems.

Expand your definition of sex. Intercourse is only one way to have fulfilling sex. Touching, kissing and other intimate sexual contact may be just as rewarding for both you and your partner. Realize that as you age, it is normal for you and your partner to have different sexual abilities and needs. Be open to finding new ways to enjoy sexual contact and intimacy.

Change your routine. Simple changes can improve your sex life. Change the time of day when you have sex to a time when you have the most energy. Try the morning — when you're refreshed from a good night's sleep — rather than at the end of a long day. Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused, take more time to set the stage for romance, such as a romantic dinner or an evening of dancing. Try a new sexual position or explore other new ways of connecting romantically and sexually.

Seek a partner if you're single. It is never too late for romance. It can be difficult starting a relationship after the loss of a spouse or being single for a long time — but socializing is well worth the effort for many single seniors. No one ever outgrows the need for emotional closeness and intimate love. If you start a relationship with a new partner, be sure to practice safe sex. Many older adults are unaware that they are still at risk of sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS.

Stay healthy. Eating regular nutritious meals, staying active, not drinking too much alcohol, and not smoking or using illegal drugs are important for your overall health — and it can help your sexual performance. Follow your doctor's instructions in taking medications and managing any chronic health conditions.

Stay positive. The changes that come with aging — from health problems to changes in appearance and sexual performance — leave many men feeling less attractive or feeling they are less capable of enjoying or giving sexual pleasure. Discussing your feelings with your partner can help. Feeling angry, unhappy or depressed has a strong impact on your sex life. Professional counseling or other treatment can improve your sex life — and your well-being.

Sex may not be the same for you or your partner as it was when you were young. But by adapting to your changing body, sex and intimacy can continue to be a fulfilling and rewarding part of your life.

A Gift of Love

2008-09-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he'd told her was empty. Then she settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan, 34, became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity. And all she had to cling to was her husband, Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength and confidence she needed to become independent again.

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. At first, this comforted Susan, and fulfilled Mark's need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task.

Soon, however, Mark realized the arrangement wasn't working. Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But she was still so fragile, so angry - how would she react? Just as he predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again.

"I'm blind!", she responded bitterly. "How am I supposed to know where I am going? I feel like you're abandoning me."

Mark's heart broke to hear these words, but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each morning and evening he would ride the bus with her, for as long as it took, until she got the hang of it. And that is exactly what happened. For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day.

He taught her how to rely on her other senses, specifically her hearing, to determine where she was and how to adapt to her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat.

Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus-riding companion, her husband, and her best friend. Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, And his love. She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better. She was doing it! She was going to work all by herself.

On Friday morning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying the fare to exit the bus, the driver said, "Boy, I sure do envy you." Susan wasn't sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year? Curious, she asked the driver, "Why do you say that you envy me?"

The driver responded, "It must feel good to be taken care of and protected like you are." Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, and again asked, "What do you mean?"

The driver answered, "You know, every morning for the past week, a fine-looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you as you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches until you enter your office building.

Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady." Tears of happiness poured down Susan's cheeks. For although she couldn't physically see him, she had always felt Mark's presence. She was lucky, so lucky, for he had given her a gift more powerful than sight, a gift she didn't need to see to believe - the gift of love that can bring light where there is darkness.

secret of married life

2008-09-06T10:58:00.001-07:00

Here's the untold secret of married life....
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple".

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man." We visited the rand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on thecanyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,"That's once".

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.

"And we lived happily ever after "