Marriage surviving an affair

This article discusses how a marriage can survive after an affair.

 

So one of you has had an affair? The first thing you must do is to decide if your marriage is worth the two of you trying to stay together. This is not a decision to be made in haste, especially during the first overwhelming moments of finding out about the infidelity. Take some time to really search your heart and mind to decide if you, your partner and your relationship is strong enough to survive through the stormy waters that lay ahead. The following are some questions to help in this process: 1.) Do you have children? While a child may not be a reason to stay together, in a marriage that has other good qualities, on may be the beautiful bond that puts the decision to try again in the workable area. A child may also factor not a reason for getting a divorce if there is going to be constant fighting and a hostile environment that would be unsuitable. 2.) Have the good times outweighed the bad? I am not talking about the recent moments when things are at their worst, but before the oncoming of the affair. Sit down and honestly evaluate your relationship previous to all this turmoil and see if there is anything worth saving in the first place. 3.) Do you have other common interests besides sex? Is there things you can do and places you can visit together that will bring you back to that dating stage of a relationship? You will need this to re-strengthen your vows and also because one or maybe even both of you may not be comfortable with being intimate until the healing begins. 4.) Can you both truly forgive each other for the infidelity and whatever reactions that it might bring? There might be days that you say and do things that you will regret, no matter how hard you try not to. 5.) Can the trust be brought back to a reasonable enough degree (you have to be prepared for the fact that it might not ever be restored completely) that you will not being living in a suspicion filled environment for the rest of your lives. If you do ultimately consider trying to work things out there are a few things that both parties should do and avoid during these strenuous times. First, you must talk often and openly about the affair, just be careful to not ask anything in the heat of the moment that you truly do not want to know or divulge obscure details just to clear your conscience if it will serve no other purpose but to hurt your spouse. You need to be completely honest but do it with some form of dignity and tact. Sometimes all the facts are needed to heal but more often times then not, they just feed future hurtful visions. Every person needs to decide the amount of what they need to know for themselves. The injured party in all of this gets to decide the extent of information revealed about the affair because they are the ones to ultimately consider all of it. If you have cheated on your spouse and they are willing to try and trust you again, be prepared to give an itinerary of your day and expect it to be checked up on for accuracy. This is not a time to get offended by your spouse’s behavior; you should want to reassure them in every way possible that they can trust you again. If you are the victim in all of this, try to remember that your loved one has expressed remorse and is trying to work on things as well. You have every right to be suspicious but do not let it rule your relationship or your life. If you feel that there is still need for worry after a considerable amount of time has passed (which is different for every person and every situation), it would be advisable to once again discuss the option of divorce. A marriage filled with fretting and hurt is not a marriage at all. If what your spouse is doing to prove him or herself is not enough for you and they feel that they are doing all they can, then maybe there is nothing to ‘fix’ the situation. Lastly, I recommend that everyone get professional help. This could be a therapist who specializes in marital problems or a trusted religious leader. Though you should avoid, at all costs, getting family members or friends involved. Someone who loves you can hold a grudge long after you have worked things out. I know it is hard to keep all the emotions in at a time like this, which is why I feel it is almost always necessary to seek a third, non-biased party to confide in. You may have good intentions but sometimes traumatic feelings can override the best laid plans. Someone on the outside looking in, that you are both comfortable with, will see things that neither one of you do and they will have even more ideas on how to work through the aftermaths of an affair. If the inconvenience or embarrassment is not worth both of you seeking out sound help and advice, then your marriage may not be worth saving in the first place.