Everywhere around us, we see the one-night stand culture – relationships with no strings attached. ‘It's convenient that way' is what many say. What they don't know is that emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
A wounded or shattered sense of self may interfere with your capacity for intimacy. When we fear abandonment we may try to stay glued onto another. We may seek to preserve the illusion of intimacy but, in truth, maintain a distance that prevents us from the vulnerability of intimacy.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
If you want to feel closer to your partner, the following suggestions will help. You'll need a high degree of commitment, but the rewards in your sexual and emotional life will be great.
Let's talk
Set aside some time each day to talk and discuss any problem. Make a special effort to talk about what is bothering you and don't avoid emotional or sexual issues. If there is a problem to do with the relationship, don't blame your partner in any way – but work it out together.
Show your true colours
Let your partner see the ‘bad' side of you. It's easy to let anyone know the good things about you, much more difficult to expose aspects of yourself about which you feel worried, guilty or ashamed. But it's revealing these problem areas that make for true intimacy.
Show what you feel
Show your feelings. Affectionate touching is the most straightforward way of demonstrating a need to be close. Show anger too, if you feel it, but not in a destructive way – not directed against your partner.
Don't hide your needs
Give your partner the chance to do things for you. Let go of your emotional independence a little. It's particularly important to be able to ask for things sometimes. Do this and you'll acknowledge that you have needs and you're allowing your partner to meet them.
Take time out
Spend time together on leisure activities. Don't use excuses such as the pressure of work to avoid spending time with your partner.
Don't retreat
Don't distance yourself from your partner, by provoking a quarrel, for example, whenever you sense he or she is getting too close to you.
Give yourself a chance to let go and you will get there. If you don't, you would be getting in the way of a beautiful blooming relationship.
Good luck!
Can you use your eyes to make your move with women? Tell us all!
HOW MUCH OF YOUR PAST SHOULD YOU REVEAL?
From promiscuousness to a serious relationship is quite a journey. But having traversed it, the question that arises now is that should you let this woman of your dreams know all about your past.
Rupa, 28, a sculptor says, “I like leaving my partners past where it belongs- in the past. It does not affect me. I have also had relationships in the past- both serious and casual so knowing that he had others before me as well isn’t disturbing as long as he is loyal to me now.”
Tanisha, 24, a Management Trainee in a multinational Bank echoes a similar feeling. She says, “My guy had numerous relationships in the past so trusting him was obviously not easy. But gradually I understood the very fact he came out clean in the open and told me all, was a move towards a long-term haul. He could have hidden his past and I would have never guessed. After he told me all, he said I was free to stay or leave, I stayed of course.”
So should you reveal or should you not?
It is quite natural for many to base their current judgments on a person’s past. However, it makes sense to layer your revelations with intelligence and smartness. These few pointers could guide you in being honest, loyal, truthful and smart at the same time.
Talk about your past love but be sensitive while you spill the beans
Countless couples break up as a result of skeletons in the closet. The problem is that most of us lack the courage to face our demons and risk our relationships. But this is a chance one must take. Talk about your past associations of the heart but talk smartly. Do not go into unnecessary intimate details but do mention names, talk about what was good and what wasn’t. Explain the issues and the reasons behind the relationship failure.
Keep your conquest count to yourself
It’s usually not a great idea to let your current girl know the tally of your conquests. Doing so will upset her and put you at risk of being on your own.
Do not get into juicy details about your past sexual experiences and joy rides
Your girl does not want to know the sexual fantasies you shared with other women or the wild times that you might have shared in bed with someone else. This will only make her feel that she is another one in your list of sexual toys.
Don’t just talk about the bad stuff
When you are revealing- reveal all. Talk about your defeats. Put your ego at rest for a bit and talk about how a woman took you for a wild ride and then dropped you. Talk about different experiences- of hurt, of cheating, of being cheated, of love, of lust. This will give your current girl the space and the sensibility to understand that while you may have a wild streak, you are also a nice man.
Convince her that you are fed up of being a playboy
You might have cheated in the past and might have even flaunted your playboy image but now that you are ready to settle down with this ‘perfect’ woman, tell her about it. Everyone makes mistake but your honesty and open-mindedness about accepting your mistakes and eagerness to change for the better is bound to impress her. Having said all this, stick to it to the last alphabet. Honesty and loyalty are doctrines that you must not destroy for your won good.
Love her genuinely and make her feel loved
True love can erase all doubts. If you are able to make her feel genuinely loved, making her forget your past, however promiscuous it may have been, should not be a tough task to achieve.
The mantra is that, she might stay, she might go but in any case she deserves to know. Happy confessing!
Rupa, 28, a sculptor says, “I like leaving my partners past where it belongs- in the past. It does not affect me. I have also had relationships in the past- both serious and casual so knowing that he had others before me as well isn’t disturbing as long as he is loyal to me now.”
Tanisha, 24, a Management Trainee in a multinational Bank echoes a similar feeling. She says, “My guy had numerous relationships in the past so trusting him was obviously not easy. But gradually I understood the very fact he came out clean in the open and told me all, was a move towards a long-term haul. He could have hidden his past and I would have never guessed. After he told me all, he said I was free to stay or leave, I stayed of course.”
So should you reveal or should you not?
It is quite natural for many to base their current judgments on a person’s past. However, it makes sense to layer your revelations with intelligence and smartness. These few pointers could guide you in being honest, loyal, truthful and smart at the same time.
Talk about your past love but be sensitive while you spill the beans
Countless couples break up as a result of skeletons in the closet. The problem is that most of us lack the courage to face our demons and risk our relationships. But this is a chance one must take. Talk about your past associations of the heart but talk smartly. Do not go into unnecessary intimate details but do mention names, talk about what was good and what wasn’t. Explain the issues and the reasons behind the relationship failure.
Keep your conquest count to yourself
It’s usually not a great idea to let your current girl know the tally of your conquests. Doing so will upset her and put you at risk of being on your own.
Do not get into juicy details about your past sexual experiences and joy rides
Your girl does not want to know the sexual fantasies you shared with other women or the wild times that you might have shared in bed with someone else. This will only make her feel that she is another one in your list of sexual toys.
Don’t just talk about the bad stuff
When you are revealing- reveal all. Talk about your defeats. Put your ego at rest for a bit and talk about how a woman took you for a wild ride and then dropped you. Talk about different experiences- of hurt, of cheating, of being cheated, of love, of lust. This will give your current girl the space and the sensibility to understand that while you may have a wild streak, you are also a nice man.
Convince her that you are fed up of being a playboy
You might have cheated in the past and might have even flaunted your playboy image but now that you are ready to settle down with this ‘perfect’ woman, tell her about it. Everyone makes mistake but your honesty and open-mindedness about accepting your mistakes and eagerness to change for the better is bound to impress her. Having said all this, stick to it to the last alphabet. Honesty and loyalty are doctrines that you must not destroy for your won good.
Love her genuinely and make her feel loved
True love can erase all doubts. If you are able to make her feel genuinely loved, making her forget your past, however promiscuous it may have been, should not be a tough task to achieve.
The mantra is that, she might stay, she might go but in any case she deserves to know. Happy confessing!
IF HIS FRIENDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT
If he would rather be with his friends than with you, it does not mean that he does not like/love you. Being with his friends means different things to the man than when being with you. He’s relaxing, he can do his own thing, he needn’t be caring or pay attention etc. But if he forgets a date or cancels them very often, especially when his friends call then he is not yet ready for a close relationship.
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