Everywhere around us, we see the one-night stand culture – relationships with no strings attached. ‘It's convenient that way' is what many say. What they don't know is that emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
A wounded or shattered sense of self may interfere with your capacity for intimacy. When we fear abandonment we may try to stay glued onto another. We may seek to preserve the illusion of intimacy but, in truth, maintain a distance that prevents us from the vulnerability of intimacy.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
If you want to feel closer to your partner, the following suggestions will help. You'll need a high degree of commitment, but the rewards in your sexual and emotional life will be great.
Let's talk
Set aside some time each day to talk and discuss any problem. Make a special effort to talk about what is bothering you and don't avoid emotional or sexual issues. If there is a problem to do with the relationship, don't blame your partner in any way – but work it out together.
Show your true colours
Let your partner see the ‘bad' side of you. It's easy to let anyone know the good things about you, much more difficult to expose aspects of yourself about which you feel worried, guilty or ashamed. But it's revealing these problem areas that make for true intimacy.
Show what you feel
Show your feelings. Affectionate touching is the most straightforward way of demonstrating a need to be close. Show anger too, if you feel it, but not in a destructive way – not directed against your partner.
Don't hide your needs
Give your partner the chance to do things for you. Let go of your emotional independence a little. It's particularly important to be able to ask for things sometimes. Do this and you'll acknowledge that you have needs and you're allowing your partner to meet them.
Take time out
Spend time together on leisure activities. Don't use excuses such as the pressure of work to avoid spending time with your partner.
Don't retreat
Don't distance yourself from your partner, by provoking a quarrel, for example, whenever you sense he or she is getting too close to you.
Give yourself a chance to let go and you will get there. If you don't, you would be getting in the way of a beautiful blooming relationship.
Good luck!
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