IF HIS FRIENDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT
If he would rather be with his friends than with you, it does not mean that he does not like/love you. Being with his friends means different things to the man than when being with you. He’s relaxing, he can do his own thing, he needn’t be caring or pay attention etc. But if he forgets a date or cancels them very often, especially when his friends call then he is not yet ready for a close relationship.
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
Remember: men cannot be like women
Falling in love is easy. Making it last is not. We tend to believe that once we fall in love, that magical feeling is eternal and will last forever. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. John Gray, in his book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, says that “each year millions of couples join together in love and then painfully separate because they have lost that loving feeling.
From those who are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50% stay married. Out of those who stay together, possibly another 50% are not fulfilled. They stay together out of loyalty and obligation or from the fear of starting all over.”
According to Gray, very few people are able to grow in love. And the reason is simple. As the initial magical feeling reduces, daily life (work, salaries, bills, kids) takes over. And even as these changes start happening,
Women continue to expect men to think and react like women. They are unaware of the difference between a man and a woman. And when you are not aware of the difference, it’s not possible to respect and understand the Man. This in turn leads to unreasonable demands being made, resentfulness, and intolerance.
The solution is clear, if not simple: understand the differences of the opposite sex. Once we can do that, solutions can be found to potential problems. Love can only last if we remember our differences. That’s why Gray says that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Read the book for more.
Falling in love is easy. Making it last is not. We tend to believe that once we fall in love, that magical feeling is eternal and will last forever. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. John Gray, in his book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, says that “each year millions of couples join together in love and then painfully separate because they have lost that loving feeling.
From those who are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50% stay married. Out of those who stay together, possibly another 50% are not fulfilled. They stay together out of loyalty and obligation or from the fear of starting all over.”
According to Gray, very few people are able to grow in love. And the reason is simple. As the initial magical feeling reduces, daily life (work, salaries, bills, kids) takes over. And even as these changes start happening,
Women continue to expect men to think and react like women. They are unaware of the difference between a man and a woman. And when you are not aware of the difference, it’s not possible to respect and understand the Man. This in turn leads to unreasonable demands being made, resentfulness, and intolerance.
The solution is clear, if not simple: understand the differences of the opposite sex. Once we can do that, solutions can be found to potential problems. Love can only last if we remember our differences. That’s why Gray says that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Read the book for more.
UNDERSTANDING A MAN’S PSYCHE
Understanding men is not as difficult as it might appear to be. In fact knowing what the opposite sex wants, reading their mind and finally fitting into that niche takes a little bit of practice, patience and of course will. Understanding requirements and reading the mind can go a long way into buttressing relationships, making them strong and sturdy. What men want from women has been a topic of hot debates, which have thrown up a multitude of alternatives.
• What men basically and most earnestly look out for in a relationship is sex and companionship (not necessarily in that order) and any woman who satisfies these needs is most certainly the ideal one.
• Most will be surprised to read this, but men are not necessarily turned on by looks or a great figure, these are misnomers that have been substituting truth for quite a while now.
• What men look out for in a life mate is confidence with a capital C. Any woman who knows her mind is sure to enthrall her man. Confidence is an attitude which is reflected through small gestures like walk, the way she holds herself, speaks with others, etc.
• What men basically and most earnestly look out for in a relationship is sex and companionship (not necessarily in that order) and any woman who satisfies these needs is most certainly the ideal one.
• Most will be surprised to read this, but men are not necessarily turned on by looks or a great figure, these are misnomers that have been substituting truth for quite a while now.
• What men look out for in a life mate is confidence with a capital C. Any woman who knows her mind is sure to enthrall her man. Confidence is an attitude which is reflected through small gestures like walk, the way she holds herself, speaks with others, etc.
BLESSED WITH A GUY WHO HAS A ROVING EYE?
Just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean that you're dead. Men will always check out other women just as women will always check out other men. The difference is that we don't sit there staring at a guy's crotch with our tongues hanging out. And we obviously disrespect men, who letch at women with pawing eyes, especially when they are in the company of their respective girlfriends. And yes! It is for sure appalling when you gradually discover that your man seems to have an eye on every other woman that passes by. The fact that he is even checking out your friends is truly disgusting.
So do women really deal with this and how?
Most women can intellectually deal with it, but they find it difficult to deal with it emotionally and it always hurts them.
Practical tips to deal with such a situation follow.
As richa, 29, a photographer, and steady with her guy for four years says, “his roving eye is a recent phenomenon and it deeply hurts me. He is the nicest man, truly wonderful, I mean I want to marry him, but when even he cant seem to prevent his eyes from flicking to women’s bodies, I end up wondering what has gone wrong with me?
Nishi, 27, an airhostess with a leading airline, has a slightly different take on the issue. She says, “I know I am attractive and intelligent and desirable, so it is not a self confidence thing for me. It’s more about being unable to understand his behaviour. It is about feeling hurtful, cheated and duped. It just leads me to disrespect and distrust him. And I know if it continues for too long then I will just take that wise hop and move on. There is always scope for better.”
So WHAT really is the RIGHT thing to do when blessed with such a guy?
Handle it or move on?
Take the botheration to talk it out with him?
Let it be and enjoy the moment?
Well honestly, your pick from any of the above would depend largely on the depth and the level of your relationship. If it’s a short- term thing, then why fret. Enjoy the moment, have fun with the bloke and move on. Let him dig other women and you dig other men. And next time go for the guy without a roving eye. But if you are the one with more deep feelings and sensitivities in the right place and more importantly are serious about this guy then you need a way out. Figure how serious are you really about him and more significantly, how serious is he about you? If the level of commitments from both sides is high, then sitting down and talking about the issue makes sense.
Get ready to handle the ‘roving eye’ syndrome
First things first- know the difference between ogling and letching
Let’s face it. All men have an eye for a pretty face and a toned body. An attractive face naturally turns eyes. So though ogling is distasteful, it still falls in the ‘ok’ circuit. But letching is completely unacceptable. If you man is ogling, learn to face it or move on. But if he’s letching, and rather often, then you have all the right in the world to turn the music on him. But hey! Be gentle.
Talk about your concerns
Tell him what bothers you and why. Ask him how he would react if you did the same. Tell him that it makes you insecure and uncomfortable. State that it makes you look like a fool in front of others. If he cares, he will understand and try to control, at least to an extent. If he doesn’t and you stay bothered, move on. The stupid bloke isn’t worth your sensitivities.
Don’t over nag
Men hate nagging. Right now he does it openly. Later his letching might take on other forms, like hitting on other women openly. So be careful about your nagging horses. Don’t let them loose. Just say it politely but firmly. The idea is just to get the point across and help the situation. Don’t get unnecessary baggage of emotions involved.
Be sure you aren’t over reacting
His roving eye could be a figment of your imagination if you are over possessive. Before you do the talking be sure you aren’t blowing an occasional turn of his head into a huge balloon of issues. This could be the blow your relationship needs. Tread carefully. Last thing you need in your relationship is foolishness in ample quantities.
Don’t fall for that tricky love line
Don’t be stupidly in love. It’s the era of being smart and alert. So when your man comes with the most likely answer that he digs other women to re-establish that what he has is the best (that is, you), don’t fall for it. DON’T even think of buying the reason because if he really loves you, he does not need to re-confirm it from outside and definitely not by letching at other women. Laugh it off and demand a smarter explanation or acceptance, at the least.
Your last resort- goose and the gander approach
This isn't one of those problems that require a long and a meaningful conversation. Simply tell your boyfriend not to be so obvious because you don't like it. You're not being silly, he is; but it's impossible to rationalize a reflex. So if his reflexes continue to act up post your talk, go for the goose and the gander approach. Next time you are in a social situation and he obviously checks out other women, mirror his behaviour. Drool a little and then when he tells you off - which he surely will - blush prettily and pretend you don't know what he's talking about. Do the darting eye thing and then smile at him lovingly as if he's just come back into focus. When he starts to make a fuss, laugh it off and say you're only joking. This will sound familiar to him and in this way the lesson should be learnt, if not in one go then in definitely two or three do’s. Meanwhile… enjoy the flirting.
Basically, just give ‘sorting out’ approach- a go. If it’s a relationship you cherish, then it’s worth a try or two. The outcome will be on front of you soon and the decision shall be yours too. So take the call, but with a smile.
So do women really deal with this and how?
Most women can intellectually deal with it, but they find it difficult to deal with it emotionally and it always hurts them.
Practical tips to deal with such a situation follow.
As richa, 29, a photographer, and steady with her guy for four years says, “his roving eye is a recent phenomenon and it deeply hurts me. He is the nicest man, truly wonderful, I mean I want to marry him, but when even he cant seem to prevent his eyes from flicking to women’s bodies, I end up wondering what has gone wrong with me?
Nishi, 27, an airhostess with a leading airline, has a slightly different take on the issue. She says, “I know I am attractive and intelligent and desirable, so it is not a self confidence thing for me. It’s more about being unable to understand his behaviour. It is about feeling hurtful, cheated and duped. It just leads me to disrespect and distrust him. And I know if it continues for too long then I will just take that wise hop and move on. There is always scope for better.”
So WHAT really is the RIGHT thing to do when blessed with such a guy?
Handle it or move on?
Take the botheration to talk it out with him?
Let it be and enjoy the moment?
Well honestly, your pick from any of the above would depend largely on the depth and the level of your relationship. If it’s a short- term thing, then why fret. Enjoy the moment, have fun with the bloke and move on. Let him dig other women and you dig other men. And next time go for the guy without a roving eye. But if you are the one with more deep feelings and sensitivities in the right place and more importantly are serious about this guy then you need a way out. Figure how serious are you really about him and more significantly, how serious is he about you? If the level of commitments from both sides is high, then sitting down and talking about the issue makes sense.
Get ready to handle the ‘roving eye’ syndrome
First things first- know the difference between ogling and letching
Let’s face it. All men have an eye for a pretty face and a toned body. An attractive face naturally turns eyes. So though ogling is distasteful, it still falls in the ‘ok’ circuit. But letching is completely unacceptable. If you man is ogling, learn to face it or move on. But if he’s letching, and rather often, then you have all the right in the world to turn the music on him. But hey! Be gentle.
Talk about your concerns
Tell him what bothers you and why. Ask him how he would react if you did the same. Tell him that it makes you insecure and uncomfortable. State that it makes you look like a fool in front of others. If he cares, he will understand and try to control, at least to an extent. If he doesn’t and you stay bothered, move on. The stupid bloke isn’t worth your sensitivities.
Don’t over nag
Men hate nagging. Right now he does it openly. Later his letching might take on other forms, like hitting on other women openly. So be careful about your nagging horses. Don’t let them loose. Just say it politely but firmly. The idea is just to get the point across and help the situation. Don’t get unnecessary baggage of emotions involved.
Be sure you aren’t over reacting
His roving eye could be a figment of your imagination if you are over possessive. Before you do the talking be sure you aren’t blowing an occasional turn of his head into a huge balloon of issues. This could be the blow your relationship needs. Tread carefully. Last thing you need in your relationship is foolishness in ample quantities.
Don’t fall for that tricky love line
Don’t be stupidly in love. It’s the era of being smart and alert. So when your man comes with the most likely answer that he digs other women to re-establish that what he has is the best (that is, you), don’t fall for it. DON’T even think of buying the reason because if he really loves you, he does not need to re-confirm it from outside and definitely not by letching at other women. Laugh it off and demand a smarter explanation or acceptance, at the least.
Your last resort- goose and the gander approach
This isn't one of those problems that require a long and a meaningful conversation. Simply tell your boyfriend not to be so obvious because you don't like it. You're not being silly, he is; but it's impossible to rationalize a reflex. So if his reflexes continue to act up post your talk, go for the goose and the gander approach. Next time you are in a social situation and he obviously checks out other women, mirror his behaviour. Drool a little and then when he tells you off - which he surely will - blush prettily and pretend you don't know what he's talking about. Do the darting eye thing and then smile at him lovingly as if he's just come back into focus. When he starts to make a fuss, laugh it off and say you're only joking. This will sound familiar to him and in this way the lesson should be learnt, if not in one go then in definitely two or three do’s. Meanwhile… enjoy the flirting.
Basically, just give ‘sorting out’ approach- a go. If it’s a relationship you cherish, then it’s worth a try or two. The outcome will be on front of you soon and the decision shall be yours too. So take the call, but with a smile.
Blessed with a sexually over aggressive partner?
A sexually over aggressive guy could become any girl's nightmare. This could mean that he gropes you while partying or gets too huggy kissy in front of friends or is too wild for comfort in bed. If you are in a steady relationship with such a guy and are looking at a future with him then it becomes all the more important to tackle this situation with tact and intelligence.
The ‘over aggressive’ syndrome
Nikita, 25, an associate producer with a production house says, “My boyfriend often causes me embarrassment by getting too close and gropy in public. Only yesterday we went for an office party where he got too close for comfort and started deep kissing while we were dancing. Though I have been taking him as my steady guy for a year to office parties now, I still don’t desire such overt physical intimacy in public because I don’t see the need of showing my colleagues what we do in our bedroom. For god sake, I have to face them tomorrow morning again. I have spoken to him about this and he says he understands and apologizes but does the same again next time. The whole thing is just getting to me now.”
Anuradha, 28, software professional, highlights the same concern. She says, “Its not like my guy and I don’t do it enough otherwise. So why does the need to get desperate in public come, I don’t understand. It gets very embarrassing for me. Even at home while we are making out, he gets too wild for comfort. I like it nice and gentle. I can’t make love like animals. Though I love the guy and want to look at a future with him, it’s getting tough for me to cope up with all this sexual tension.”
So how does one cope up with all this physical tension and sexual over aggressiveness?
Tips to control his sexual aggression
Figure if he is a control freak
This could be more psychological than physiological. If he is insecure about you and doubts you all the time, then its not surprising that he feels the need to assert himself physically on you, to show that he is the one in the driving seat. The way to deal with it is only once- make it clear to him that you aren’t his keep and are not cool with being treated as his personal property. Don’t answer to constant queries about your whereabouts and company. Do not let him take you for a wild ride that makes him feel that you can be controlled and bullied. Check his control freakiness for your benefit.
Does he really love you?
Does he respect your feelings, opinions and beliefs? Does he really care for you? Are you just someone who fulfills his physical needs or is he your soul mate? If he is just fooling around with you then he is not worth fretting over or going through sexual tensions for. Dump him and wait for someone better.
Talk to him about your concerns openly. Don’t argue. Discuss.
Tell him that his aggressiveness in bed makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell him that for you violence, abuse or intrusive sex is a turn off. Tell him that he is getting too pushy with you in public or otherwise upsets you and that it will push you away from him. Don’t fight or accuse. Just put your concerns across logically and firmly and let him understand the trauma his aggressiveness puts you through. If he really cherishes you, he will work on his behavior and soon sexual tensions will subside.
Don’t expect magic to happen overnight. Give him time.
You have mentioned your concerns and he has made his promises. Now give him time to implement it. Remember old habits die hard so don’t expect change overnight. If he is sincerely trying to help work on his habit then stand by him.
Remember sex is an extremely intimate act that can strengthen the bond between those in love. If you are not physically compatible with your partner, then your relationship is likely to fall apart. So figure now and stick by your stance. All the best!
The ‘over aggressive’ syndrome
Nikita, 25, an associate producer with a production house says, “My boyfriend often causes me embarrassment by getting too close and gropy in public. Only yesterday we went for an office party where he got too close for comfort and started deep kissing while we were dancing. Though I have been taking him as my steady guy for a year to office parties now, I still don’t desire such overt physical intimacy in public because I don’t see the need of showing my colleagues what we do in our bedroom. For god sake, I have to face them tomorrow morning again. I have spoken to him about this and he says he understands and apologizes but does the same again next time. The whole thing is just getting to me now.”
Anuradha, 28, software professional, highlights the same concern. She says, “Its not like my guy and I don’t do it enough otherwise. So why does the need to get desperate in public come, I don’t understand. It gets very embarrassing for me. Even at home while we are making out, he gets too wild for comfort. I like it nice and gentle. I can’t make love like animals. Though I love the guy and want to look at a future with him, it’s getting tough for me to cope up with all this sexual tension.”
So how does one cope up with all this physical tension and sexual over aggressiveness?
Tips to control his sexual aggression
Figure if he is a control freak
This could be more psychological than physiological. If he is insecure about you and doubts you all the time, then its not surprising that he feels the need to assert himself physically on you, to show that he is the one in the driving seat. The way to deal with it is only once- make it clear to him that you aren’t his keep and are not cool with being treated as his personal property. Don’t answer to constant queries about your whereabouts and company. Do not let him take you for a wild ride that makes him feel that you can be controlled and bullied. Check his control freakiness for your benefit.
Does he really love you?
Does he respect your feelings, opinions and beliefs? Does he really care for you? Are you just someone who fulfills his physical needs or is he your soul mate? If he is just fooling around with you then he is not worth fretting over or going through sexual tensions for. Dump him and wait for someone better.
Talk to him about your concerns openly. Don’t argue. Discuss.
Tell him that his aggressiveness in bed makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell him that for you violence, abuse or intrusive sex is a turn off. Tell him that he is getting too pushy with you in public or otherwise upsets you and that it will push you away from him. Don’t fight or accuse. Just put your concerns across logically and firmly and let him understand the trauma his aggressiveness puts you through. If he really cherishes you, he will work on his behavior and soon sexual tensions will subside.
Don’t expect magic to happen overnight. Give him time.
You have mentioned your concerns and he has made his promises. Now give him time to implement it. Remember old habits die hard so don’t expect change overnight. If he is sincerely trying to help work on his habit then stand by him.
Remember sex is an extremely intimate act that can strengthen the bond between those in love. If you are not physically compatible with your partner, then your relationship is likely to fall apart. So figure now and stick by your stance. All the best!
IS HE MR. RIGHT?
Well, you have been dating this Mr. Nice for some time now and everyone including mommy dearest feels he is a perfect match for you. But try hard as you may, you cannot decide on this one. Is he playing Jekyll and Hyde with me? Is he really as nice as he appears to be? Will I know the real him in 1 month? Will his true side come to the fore in 6 months? Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Such and similar questions keep haunting most of us, teetering on the threshold of 'should I? should I not?'
You may or may not be able to find a fool proof solution to these issues, but there are a few truths that hold true in almost all cases. For starters do not rush into a relationship. Take your time in knowing the person (time frame varies and there is no such thing as an 'ideal time schedule') before you commit yourself to the person.
Observing the person will help you understand his behaviour and how he handles issues like stress, tension and pressures.
Quick engagements seldom if at all work, so try and avoid these if you can.
Time and instinct peppered with a healthy dose of common sense should help you decide if you are going to be 'compatible' with the other person.
As a general observation, most couples can decide within six to eight months if they are compatible enough for the march to the altar.
You may or may not be able to find a fool proof solution to these issues, but there are a few truths that hold true in almost all cases. For starters do not rush into a relationship. Take your time in knowing the person (time frame varies and there is no such thing as an 'ideal time schedule') before you commit yourself to the person.
Observing the person will help you understand his behaviour and how he handles issues like stress, tension and pressures.
Quick engagements seldom if at all work, so try and avoid these if you can.
Time and instinct peppered with a healthy dose of common sense should help you decide if you are going to be 'compatible' with the other person.
As a general observation, most couples can decide within six to eight months if they are compatible enough for the march to the altar.
IS LOVE ENOUGH TO MAKE IT LAST?
Sometimes, even if two people love each other, they may not be right for each other. Sounds like a contradiction? Not really. Our society assumes that if two people are in love, they should get married. But then what happens after marriage? In many cases, it becomes difficult to spot that love.
Sure, love is definitely needed for a lasting relationship. But what we’re saying is that love is no guarantee that a person is right for us. The problems start when we try to make each other right. Either we change ourselves too much (to meet our partner’s needs) or our partners change themselves too much. And eventually we stop liking who we have become.
So, instead of becoming more loving, we just stop growing --- and instead of the relationship bringing out the best in us it brings out the worst. So, along with love remember that you also have to ensure that for marriage you need to find a person who is `right’ for you.
Sure, love is definitely needed for a lasting relationship. But what we’re saying is that love is no guarantee that a person is right for us. The problems start when we try to make each other right. Either we change ourselves too much (to meet our partner’s needs) or our partners change themselves too much. And eventually we stop liking who we have become.
So, instead of becoming more loving, we just stop growing --- and instead of the relationship bringing out the best in us it brings out the worst. So, along with love remember that you also have to ensure that for marriage you need to find a person who is `right’ for you.
CHOOSING A LIFE PARTNER?
There is no get it right formula for choosing a life partner. But here are some of the issues you should look at:
• Do you vibe well? It is not necessary that both partners should have the same likes and dislikes, but they should be able to get along very well
• Are you able to understand each other and empathise with each others problems
• Weigh expectations from each other, and make sure that neither has strong delusions
• Mutual honesty is a must (not that one has to confess everything that happened in the past, but there should be a fair degree of openness of the present)
• Understand that you cannot have everything and be prepared for compromises
Do NOT opt for someone who you think you can change to your liking in the future.
• Do you vibe well? It is not necessary that both partners should have the same likes and dislikes, but they should be able to get along very well
• Are you able to understand each other and empathise with each others problems
• Weigh expectations from each other, and make sure that neither has strong delusions
• Mutual honesty is a must (not that one has to confess everything that happened in the past, but there should be a fair degree of openness of the present)
• Understand that you cannot have everything and be prepared for compromises
Do NOT opt for someone who you think you can change to your liking in the future.
LOVE DON’T COME EASY
People talk about love at first sight. More often than not it is lust that people mistake for love. True love doesn’t come all that easily. One has to constantly work towards building a relationship. One has to get to know the person, accept him for what he is and then if you still feel the same towards that one special person, then you can assure yourself that you have indeed found love, true love!
ARE YOU COMMITMENT PHOBIC?
Increasingly nowadays men are more willing to settle down after a while of courtship whereas it is women who are growing commitment phobic.
Figure if you are commitment phobic too?
• You are very fond of this guy but do you still avoid every situation that may lead to the discussion of your future together?
• Do you believe in living for the moment only and is future planning an alien concept for you?
• Does too much of love and attention scare you?
• Do you believe only in flings and no strings attached relationships and are serious relationships a strict no no for you?
• Do you get the jitters when you see a guy you are dating, getting emotionally too close or dependent on you?
• Are you uncomfortable in his ‘territory', i.e. his friends, family, and social group?
If your answer to most questions is in affirmative then commitment phobia has definitely spread its roots deep into your system. Reasons for this phobia could be many.
Nitasha, 27, advertising professional with a leading agency says, “Somehow I never seem to be ready for marriage. I feel it will be an obstacle for my career. I want to be successful. I don’t want to give up my career for a guy. Looking at how most of my married friends are already talking divorce makes me feel that I am happier in a no strings attached relationship. I am not lonely and yet I am a free bird.”
Rujuta, 28, a HR Manager with a known publication says, “About 5 years ago, I was very serious about this guy and he seemed keen on marriage too. Just 2 weeks before the engagement, the guy dumped me for another woman, saying that he isn’t getting the gut feel about us. Post that incident, I have become very disillusioned about relationships. Flings have become a way of life for me. It’s almost like an unconscious involuntary reflex action.”
Expert Speak
Suchitra Kaul, a psychologist who specializes in relationship counseling, explains the rise of commitment phobic women in the Indian society. She says, “Marriage most often spells adjustment and change in lifestyle of a woman. Current generation women grow up fostering dreams about a career and success, and are not willing to sacrifice everything in the name of love. She demands equal amount of adjustment and understanding from her guy, which is rare, thus starting her journey on the path of disillusionment. She keeps searching for that perfect guy who will fulfill all her needs, mental, physical and emotional, and in the process gets very demanding unconsciously and unintentionally. She keeps waiting for a better guy, keeping the guy she already has, hanging in the air.”
Whether it has been your experiences with men in the past or your focus on other priorities in life that has led to this commitment phobia, it is a state that is bound to take you the planes of loneliness at some point in life or the other.
Get ready to cure your phobia
• Think about what is it that you are looking for? Success and financial stability is great but you do need to have a loving companion to share it with.
• Get hold of the reasons of your phobia and analyze it without any prejudices. No past experience can disillusion you so much that you forget to love and trust.
• If you have a guy who professes his love towards you and you mentally connect with the person, feel comfortable in his presence, are physically compatible with him and have no major issues whatsoever then why not get ready to give this guy and yourself a chance.
• Take one step at a time. Do not set a target like marriage for yourselves. Let love take its natural course. Let your relationship grow to the level where you want to go back to your love every evening. Marriage will then automatically happen.
Remember that experiencing love and then losing it is better that not having loved at all. Grab phobia by its horns and tame your insecurities about your future. Go right in and take the plunge!
Figure if you are commitment phobic too?
• You are very fond of this guy but do you still avoid every situation that may lead to the discussion of your future together?
• Do you believe in living for the moment only and is future planning an alien concept for you?
• Does too much of love and attention scare you?
• Do you believe only in flings and no strings attached relationships and are serious relationships a strict no no for you?
• Do you get the jitters when you see a guy you are dating, getting emotionally too close or dependent on you?
• Are you uncomfortable in his ‘territory', i.e. his friends, family, and social group?
If your answer to most questions is in affirmative then commitment phobia has definitely spread its roots deep into your system. Reasons for this phobia could be many.
Nitasha, 27, advertising professional with a leading agency says, “Somehow I never seem to be ready for marriage. I feel it will be an obstacle for my career. I want to be successful. I don’t want to give up my career for a guy. Looking at how most of my married friends are already talking divorce makes me feel that I am happier in a no strings attached relationship. I am not lonely and yet I am a free bird.”
Rujuta, 28, a HR Manager with a known publication says, “About 5 years ago, I was very serious about this guy and he seemed keen on marriage too. Just 2 weeks before the engagement, the guy dumped me for another woman, saying that he isn’t getting the gut feel about us. Post that incident, I have become very disillusioned about relationships. Flings have become a way of life for me. It’s almost like an unconscious involuntary reflex action.”
Expert Speak
Suchitra Kaul, a psychologist who specializes in relationship counseling, explains the rise of commitment phobic women in the Indian society. She says, “Marriage most often spells adjustment and change in lifestyle of a woman. Current generation women grow up fostering dreams about a career and success, and are not willing to sacrifice everything in the name of love. She demands equal amount of adjustment and understanding from her guy, which is rare, thus starting her journey on the path of disillusionment. She keeps searching for that perfect guy who will fulfill all her needs, mental, physical and emotional, and in the process gets very demanding unconsciously and unintentionally. She keeps waiting for a better guy, keeping the guy she already has, hanging in the air.”
Whether it has been your experiences with men in the past or your focus on other priorities in life that has led to this commitment phobia, it is a state that is bound to take you the planes of loneliness at some point in life or the other.
Get ready to cure your phobia
• Think about what is it that you are looking for? Success and financial stability is great but you do need to have a loving companion to share it with.
• Get hold of the reasons of your phobia and analyze it without any prejudices. No past experience can disillusion you so much that you forget to love and trust.
• If you have a guy who professes his love towards you and you mentally connect with the person, feel comfortable in his presence, are physically compatible with him and have no major issues whatsoever then why not get ready to give this guy and yourself a chance.
• Take one step at a time. Do not set a target like marriage for yourselves. Let love take its natural course. Let your relationship grow to the level where you want to go back to your love every evening. Marriage will then automatically happen.
Remember that experiencing love and then losing it is better that not having loved at all. Grab phobia by its horns and tame your insecurities about your future. Go right in and take the plunge!
DATING TIPS FOR WORKAHOLIC GALS!
Are you very ambitious with only your career meter ticking in your head? Do you have die at desk mentality? Do you treat your dates also like another ‘to do’ chore featuring on your daily organizer? If yes, then you are a workaholic and no wonder you aren’t getting anywhere really with your love life.
Here are some tips that will tame the workaholic in you and will help you see life from another angle.
1. Figure if you are a workaholic and accept the trouble with it
Being focused on work is great but you must accept that work cannot be your only companion. Every thing worthy demands time and finding a partner and later keeping him happy takes time as well. So you need to take out that time from your schedule and you need to invest you energy and effort if you really want to take a relationship further. Begin by accepting that you are a workaholic and that you need to look beyond work for a fulfilling life. Promise yourself some personal time and take it from here.
2. Get your priorities right
When someone tells you they are too busy to call, they are really telling you that you aren’t in their priority list. When you tell your potential date or your partner this repeatedly, they obviously realize that they are low on priority for you and move on at the first opportunity. Love doesn’t happen by chance. And even if it does, sustaining it and nurturing it does not happen by chance. So get your priorities right and let your actions reflect this. If your date or partner are important to you then don’t let your busy schedule reflect something else. Nurture your love with gestures and words that express that you care.
3. Rule your own life
Ask your self – do your dates usually get rescheduled and rescheduled again because of your busy and erratic work life? Has your partner walked out on you with the crib that you never have time for him and that you never ever give him the attention and the care he looks for? If yes, then you really need to get a grip on your life. Maybe you really don’t need to work the hours you do, but you have gotten into a routine and you have been working crazily ever after. Sure, work emergencies come up, but you need to realize that you are in control of your life. Not your boss. So learn to take a call.
4. Concentrate on your date when you are with them
When you are with your date, pay attention, listen and talk to him since that is the only way you will figure if you connect or not. Use the time you are with him to truly get to know him, instead of thinking of your pending job list. Switch off that cell phone which is ringing forever and take a decision to remove office from your mind completely for those few moments.
5. Communicate!
When you are at the office, take time during the day to email him or send him a quick sms to let him know you are thinking of him. Do this while you are traveling or taking a tea break or waiting for a meeting to happen. The idea is to find time to connect with him in such a way that your work doesn’t suffer either. Yes, it is bound to take effort on your part but all relationships do. And it’s worth it.
6. Don’t let your married colleagues take you for granted
Being a single at work usually spells trouble. It means that you will be loaded with the extra work of your married cohorts. It means that you will be doing the late hours that are meant to be done by them. It means that your meeting a date will not be considered important as compared to their wanting to pick up their children from daycare. It means that you handle all business emergencies by staying on late while they leave on time each day. But it’s time you conveyed to them that even if you aren’t married, you need time for your personal recreation, that you are not available and that your time is just as valuable as theirs.
You will have to make some lifestyle changes if you want a successful dating life or a flourishing relationship. You will have to go out of your way and break the “work spell” for a successful dating life. So make that start now and you will soon reap the benefits. All the best!
Here are some tips that will tame the workaholic in you and will help you see life from another angle.
1. Figure if you are a workaholic and accept the trouble with it
Being focused on work is great but you must accept that work cannot be your only companion. Every thing worthy demands time and finding a partner and later keeping him happy takes time as well. So you need to take out that time from your schedule and you need to invest you energy and effort if you really want to take a relationship further. Begin by accepting that you are a workaholic and that you need to look beyond work for a fulfilling life. Promise yourself some personal time and take it from here.
2. Get your priorities right
When someone tells you they are too busy to call, they are really telling you that you aren’t in their priority list. When you tell your potential date or your partner this repeatedly, they obviously realize that they are low on priority for you and move on at the first opportunity. Love doesn’t happen by chance. And even if it does, sustaining it and nurturing it does not happen by chance. So get your priorities right and let your actions reflect this. If your date or partner are important to you then don’t let your busy schedule reflect something else. Nurture your love with gestures and words that express that you care.
3. Rule your own life
Ask your self – do your dates usually get rescheduled and rescheduled again because of your busy and erratic work life? Has your partner walked out on you with the crib that you never have time for him and that you never ever give him the attention and the care he looks for? If yes, then you really need to get a grip on your life. Maybe you really don’t need to work the hours you do, but you have gotten into a routine and you have been working crazily ever after. Sure, work emergencies come up, but you need to realize that you are in control of your life. Not your boss. So learn to take a call.
4. Concentrate on your date when you are with them
When you are with your date, pay attention, listen and talk to him since that is the only way you will figure if you connect or not. Use the time you are with him to truly get to know him, instead of thinking of your pending job list. Switch off that cell phone which is ringing forever and take a decision to remove office from your mind completely for those few moments.
5. Communicate!
When you are at the office, take time during the day to email him or send him a quick sms to let him know you are thinking of him. Do this while you are traveling or taking a tea break or waiting for a meeting to happen. The idea is to find time to connect with him in such a way that your work doesn’t suffer either. Yes, it is bound to take effort on your part but all relationships do. And it’s worth it.
6. Don’t let your married colleagues take you for granted
Being a single at work usually spells trouble. It means that you will be loaded with the extra work of your married cohorts. It means that you will be doing the late hours that are meant to be done by them. It means that your meeting a date will not be considered important as compared to their wanting to pick up their children from daycare. It means that you handle all business emergencies by staying on late while they leave on time each day. But it’s time you conveyed to them that even if you aren’t married, you need time for your personal recreation, that you are not available and that your time is just as valuable as theirs.
You will have to make some lifestyle changes if you want a successful dating life or a flourishing relationship. You will have to go out of your way and break the “work spell” for a successful dating life. So make that start now and you will soon reap the benefits. All the best!
HOW TO HANDLE RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES
“I have been dating this fabulous guy for almost a year now, but the thing is we belong to two different religious faiths. While I have no doubt he loves me, I don’t really see us as a couple. Could this be all a result of our religious differences that has him holding back? Or am I just overreacting?” says Leanne Pereira, Copywriter with a leading agency.
“We took the plunge; it’s our life after all! My family doesn’t have to live with the man, I have to. Though there was the family drama to deal with, we decided we were meant to be together.” It was this attitude that got Rina, a Senior Executive working with an MNC, her man.
While today both families are one happy household, here are some things you need to take into consideration if you are dating someone from a different religion.
The most important question is, how important is religion to you? Be honest. Will you be comfortable marrying someone who practices a different religion? When you're dating, you would most likely have an ‘ideal man,’ but does religion rank at the top of your list? Or is it even there at all? Would you want your future spouse to share the same faith as yours?
Says Leanne, “I would never want Ali to give up his faith, after all that’s what made him the man he is.”
Although the above questions may be ‘fundamental’ to some, remember you don’t need to give up your faith. This means that you could practice certain virtues or avoid some things. Spend time with your boyfriend’s family, observe them for things they may consider ‘vices’ that you don’t. And ask yourself if you're okay with it.
Another thing to consider is your children. When you have them, what religion will they be practicing? Would this be a problem for the both of you? This is assuming of course that neither of you is going to ‘convert’ to either one's religion in the near future.
The important thing is get to know the person you are dating — choosing a mate involves using your head and heart ¬— and to know whether you're comfortable with the religious differences. If the differences make you do things like ‘justify this to your family’ then think twice.
“We took the plunge; it’s our life after all! My family doesn’t have to live with the man, I have to. Though there was the family drama to deal with, we decided we were meant to be together.” It was this attitude that got Rina, a Senior Executive working with an MNC, her man.
While today both families are one happy household, here are some things you need to take into consideration if you are dating someone from a different religion.
The most important question is, how important is religion to you? Be honest. Will you be comfortable marrying someone who practices a different religion? When you're dating, you would most likely have an ‘ideal man,’ but does religion rank at the top of your list? Or is it even there at all? Would you want your future spouse to share the same faith as yours?
Says Leanne, “I would never want Ali to give up his faith, after all that’s what made him the man he is.”
Although the above questions may be ‘fundamental’ to some, remember you don’t need to give up your faith. This means that you could practice certain virtues or avoid some things. Spend time with your boyfriend’s family, observe them for things they may consider ‘vices’ that you don’t. And ask yourself if you're okay with it.
Another thing to consider is your children. When you have them, what religion will they be practicing? Would this be a problem for the both of you? This is assuming of course that neither of you is going to ‘convert’ to either one's religion in the near future.
The important thing is get to know the person you are dating — choosing a mate involves using your head and heart ¬— and to know whether you're comfortable with the religious differences. If the differences make you do things like ‘justify this to your family’ then think twice.
Get your relationships 'organised'
The battle for your time is constant -- your job demands your attention, as do your spouse and children. And you have to juggle all three.
Here are a few small changes you can adopt to make your relationships more meaningful and to make more time in your life:
1. Insist on family time
"When both partners work, and children are kept in a creche, family time gets limited to about an hour or so a day," says Raghini Rathod, 28, an IT manager in Bangalore.
"We have decided not to crib about the fact that I spend less time at home. We have also agreed not to switch on the television till the kids go to sleep; otherwise, we end up spending most of our free time before it," adds the young mother of Raghva, 3, and Rohini, 5. "When the television is switched off, we tend to talk to one another and spend constructive time together."
2. Get your relationships "organised"
Have a planner or subscribe to a website that sends reminders for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Record all the dates there.
When it comes to wishing someone on their birthday, be innovative. Innstead of an email, send a greeting card by slow mail. Buy blank greeting cards in bulk at the beginning of the year; this way you can write what you want in the card before sending it. It"s also quite easy these days to send flowers, chocolates or gifts to your loved ones.
Says Mihir Mahajani, a graphic designer based in Pune, "Your friends and family are your investments, you never know when you will need them."
Networking sites are a boon for keeping in touch with people. Even the occasional hi, hello or good wishes helps maintain the bond.
3. Parents and in-laws
We are so involved in our own lives that we tend to sideline our parents and in-laws. Make sure you visit them at least once a fortnight if you live in the same city. If not, call them up regularly and tell them what"s happening in your life.
Help them bond with your children by visiting them often or having them over at your place. You may not find them the best people to have around, but they have made you and your husband what you are today.
Don"t forget their birthdays and anniversaries; make sure you wish them during festivals.
4. Communicate
Talk about your worst feelings -- even if they are caused by your spouse, partner, in-laws, friends or relatives. Have an open relationship. "If you can"t talk about them, write a diary, but make sure you get the feelings out of your system," says family counsellor and homeopath, Dr Reena Dhaware.
"No relationship blossoms without effective communication. Bottled emotions create stress, which not only causes health problems but also emotional fatigue. Use mobile phones, the Internet and other modes of communication to enhance your communication."
5. Highs and lows
"Keep your emotions under control, but don"t fake them," advises Dr Dhaware. "In case you are emotionally upset, tell your family you need some time out and get your emotions under control."
Every relationship has its high and lows, so be prepared. Try to understand the sentiments of people you care about.
6. Surprise element
Small gestures of surprise, a gift, a message or a phone call can do wonders for a relationship.
Madhavi Deb, 28, a homemaker based in Hyderabad, recalls, "I had this tiff with my mom-in-law on the eve of her birthday. To make it up, I cooked her favourite pulav the next day morning and bought her a small gift. She really appreciated the gesture. Though the pulav was "not so great", she was touched by my efforts to enter the kitchen, which I am most averse to."
7. Say "NO"
Many of us have a common complaint. "We take ourselves for granted," says Meena Kumari, 35, homemaker. "I have decided to drop the goody image. I no longer want to say yes to every member of the family and then struggle to live up to their expectations. I"ve decided I am going to say "no" whenever I cannot easily manage a task. I"m even going to say "no" if I don"t want to do something. Hopefully, this will make life a little less stressful."
8. "Me" time
Consider it sacrosanct -- it does wonders to your personality. Be it watching the daily news, a soap on television, meditating or reading, dedicate at least half an hour to "your" activity.
Likewise, don"t interfere in others" personal time; even children want that space. Give space to others if you want space for yourself!
9. Agree to disagree
"For me, this is the most important mantra -- be it in-laws, parents or friends," says Anuradha Chitnis, a technical writer with an IT company in Pune.
"Over the years, I have realised that if you respect their opinion, they will respect yours. You don"t have to agree. This makes life so much easier; the best way to reach a golden median is to agree to disagree."
11. Remember, you"re the "parent"
Twenty-nine-year-old Madhu Narang remembers that, in an effort to be friendly with the kids, there came a stage when the kids thought she was one of them.
"Being friends to the kids is all right, but parents also have to be parents. You cannot compromise on that. The responsibility of effective discipline and behaviour lies essentially with you." The child will have many friends but only one set of parents. Having an open but firm relationship with kids, right from an early age, is important.
Incorporating even some of these tips in your life should make much more pleasant, and much less stressful
Here are a few small changes you can adopt to make your relationships more meaningful and to make more time in your life:
1. Insist on family time
"When both partners work, and children are kept in a creche, family time gets limited to about an hour or so a day," says Raghini Rathod, 28, an IT manager in Bangalore.
"We have decided not to crib about the fact that I spend less time at home. We have also agreed not to switch on the television till the kids go to sleep; otherwise, we end up spending most of our free time before it," adds the young mother of Raghva, 3, and Rohini, 5. "When the television is switched off, we tend to talk to one another and spend constructive time together."
2. Get your relationships "organised"
Have a planner or subscribe to a website that sends reminders for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Record all the dates there.
When it comes to wishing someone on their birthday, be innovative. Innstead of an email, send a greeting card by slow mail. Buy blank greeting cards in bulk at the beginning of the year; this way you can write what you want in the card before sending it. It"s also quite easy these days to send flowers, chocolates or gifts to your loved ones.
Says Mihir Mahajani, a graphic designer based in Pune, "Your friends and family are your investments, you never know when you will need them."
Networking sites are a boon for keeping in touch with people. Even the occasional hi, hello or good wishes helps maintain the bond.
3. Parents and in-laws
We are so involved in our own lives that we tend to sideline our parents and in-laws. Make sure you visit them at least once a fortnight if you live in the same city. If not, call them up regularly and tell them what"s happening in your life.
Help them bond with your children by visiting them often or having them over at your place. You may not find them the best people to have around, but they have made you and your husband what you are today.
Don"t forget their birthdays and anniversaries; make sure you wish them during festivals.
4. Communicate
Talk about your worst feelings -- even if they are caused by your spouse, partner, in-laws, friends or relatives. Have an open relationship. "If you can"t talk about them, write a diary, but make sure you get the feelings out of your system," says family counsellor and homeopath, Dr Reena Dhaware.
"No relationship blossoms without effective communication. Bottled emotions create stress, which not only causes health problems but also emotional fatigue. Use mobile phones, the Internet and other modes of communication to enhance your communication."
5. Highs and lows
"Keep your emotions under control, but don"t fake them," advises Dr Dhaware. "In case you are emotionally upset, tell your family you need some time out and get your emotions under control."
Every relationship has its high and lows, so be prepared. Try to understand the sentiments of people you care about.
6. Surprise element
Small gestures of surprise, a gift, a message or a phone call can do wonders for a relationship.
Madhavi Deb, 28, a homemaker based in Hyderabad, recalls, "I had this tiff with my mom-in-law on the eve of her birthday. To make it up, I cooked her favourite pulav the next day morning and bought her a small gift. She really appreciated the gesture. Though the pulav was "not so great", she was touched by my efforts to enter the kitchen, which I am most averse to."
7. Say "NO"
Many of us have a common complaint. "We take ourselves for granted," says Meena Kumari, 35, homemaker. "I have decided to drop the goody image. I no longer want to say yes to every member of the family and then struggle to live up to their expectations. I"ve decided I am going to say "no" whenever I cannot easily manage a task. I"m even going to say "no" if I don"t want to do something. Hopefully, this will make life a little less stressful."
8. "Me" time
Consider it sacrosanct -- it does wonders to your personality. Be it watching the daily news, a soap on television, meditating or reading, dedicate at least half an hour to "your" activity.
Likewise, don"t interfere in others" personal time; even children want that space. Give space to others if you want space for yourself!
9. Agree to disagree
"For me, this is the most important mantra -- be it in-laws, parents or friends," says Anuradha Chitnis, a technical writer with an IT company in Pune.
"Over the years, I have realised that if you respect their opinion, they will respect yours. You don"t have to agree. This makes life so much easier; the best way to reach a golden median is to agree to disagree."
11. Remember, you"re the "parent"
Twenty-nine-year-old Madhu Narang remembers that, in an effort to be friendly with the kids, there came a stage when the kids thought she was one of them.
"Being friends to the kids is all right, but parents also have to be parents. You cannot compromise on that. The responsibility of effective discipline and behaviour lies essentially with you." The child will have many friends but only one set of parents. Having an open but firm relationship with kids, right from an early age, is important.
Incorporating even some of these tips in your life should make much more pleasant, and much less stressful
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