Everyone has a mental image of their ideal mates but rarely does one meet someone who embodies all these perfect qualities. If it were up to you to create that your ideal woman you would probably put together all the good qualities of former girlfriends, “I'd give her Nina’s sense of humour, Simran’s eyes, Maya’s honesty, and Ayesha’s income.” On the flip side you may not even be so sure of what you really want and may be sailing along in the hope that, “I'll know Ms. Right when I see her.” A hundred girlfriends later, and you’ll still be searching!
A simple and easy way of deciding whether a certain person is right for you would be to evaluate five general areas of compatibility: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, and financial. Assess yourself and your potential mate in these areas objectively and honestly.
Emotional: Self-esteem, respect of others, emotional stability and expression.
• Are you confident about yourself before being able to love someone else or letting her love you back?
• Does she believe you when you say, "I love you," and considers herself worthy of your love?
• Does she handle anger well? Is she prone to unhealthy or prolonged bouts of depression?
Spiritual: Outlook on life, perspective on death, ethics and religious persuasion.
• What values or beliefs do you hold sacred and do you expect the same from the woman you marry?
• What values do you want to be instilled in your children?
• Can you marry outside your faith? How will it affect your family, especially parents?
Four Insightful Truths About Women…
1. She says she wants to be just friends; does she like me?
Nopes! She’s conveying in a subtle manner that you are not her type and she has no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. So don't kid yourself that this friendship will blossom true love.
Hint: Respect her feelings and move on. Have a realistic expectation. Maybe you are only chasing very attractive women, career-oriented types or women with lots of money when you fair only averagely in these departments? Well, it’s time to assess your positive attributes and find women who are in the same league as you.
2. Is she attracted to me? How can I tell?
If she is she’ll try to flirt with you! She’ll stand closer, touch you on the arm or back and try to convey their intentions subtlety. Her eyes will gaze into you’re a split second longer than necessary and she’ll mimic your bodily gesture/postures. Attention is a way to gauge attraction. Usually when a woman is attracted to a man she focuses closely on what he says.
Hint: You have to learn to take the hint, or you’ll be left behind!
3. Women seek ‘sensitive’ men. Then do good looks, buff bodies and sizeable pay packets also matter?
By sensitive, they mean strength of character and this is the basic requirement for every women and far more important than individual attributes like money, looks etc.
Hint: Be sensitive to women in general and also look for a woman who is attracted to the inner you as well as the outer you.
4. I never get beyond the first date. Am I unattractive?
Obviously you are not making a very good first impression, which usually happens right in the beginning of the date.
Hint: Be punctual, be courteous to her, pay for the bill and hold the door for her. Have a two-way conversation. Offer some personal information and then ask her something about herself. Don't tell jokes, long drawn-out stories or mention anything of a sexual nature.
Nopes! She’s conveying in a subtle manner that you are not her type and she has no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. So don't kid yourself that this friendship will blossom true love.
Hint: Respect her feelings and move on. Have a realistic expectation. Maybe you are only chasing very attractive women, career-oriented types or women with lots of money when you fair only averagely in these departments? Well, it’s time to assess your positive attributes and find women who are in the same league as you.
2. Is she attracted to me? How can I tell?
If she is she’ll try to flirt with you! She’ll stand closer, touch you on the arm or back and try to convey their intentions subtlety. Her eyes will gaze into you’re a split second longer than necessary and she’ll mimic your bodily gesture/postures. Attention is a way to gauge attraction. Usually when a woman is attracted to a man she focuses closely on what he says.
Hint: You have to learn to take the hint, or you’ll be left behind!
3. Women seek ‘sensitive’ men. Then do good looks, buff bodies and sizeable pay packets also matter?
By sensitive, they mean strength of character and this is the basic requirement for every women and far more important than individual attributes like money, looks etc.
Hint: Be sensitive to women in general and also look for a woman who is attracted to the inner you as well as the outer you.
4. I never get beyond the first date. Am I unattractive?
Obviously you are not making a very good first impression, which usually happens right in the beginning of the date.
Hint: Be punctual, be courteous to her, pay for the bill and hold the door for her. Have a two-way conversation. Offer some personal information and then ask her something about herself. Don't tell jokes, long drawn-out stories or mention anything of a sexual nature.
IS LOVE ENOUGH TO MAKE IT LAST?
Sometimes, even if two people love each other, they may not be right for each other. Sounds like a contradiction? Not really. Our society assumes that if two people are in love, they should get married. But then what happens after marriage? In many cases, it becomes difficult to spot that love.
Sure, love is definitely needed for a lasting relationship. But what we’re saying is that love is no guarantee that a person is right for us. The problems start when we try to make each other right. Either we change ourselves too much (to meet our partner’s needs) or our partners change themselves too much. And eventually we stop liking who we have become. So, instead of becoming more loving, we just stop growing --- and instead of the relationship bringing out the best in us it brings out the worst.
So, along with love remember that you also have to ensure that for marriage you need to find a person who is `right’ for you.
Sure, love is definitely needed for a lasting relationship. But what we’re saying is that love is no guarantee that a person is right for us. The problems start when we try to make each other right. Either we change ourselves too much (to meet our partner’s needs) or our partners change themselves too much. And eventually we stop liking who we have become. So, instead of becoming more loving, we just stop growing --- and instead of the relationship bringing out the best in us it brings out the worst.
So, along with love remember that you also have to ensure that for marriage you need to find a person who is `right’ for you.
SHE’S SPENDING LESS TIME WITH ME
There comes a time in every relationship, when one of the partners begins devoting less time to it. In this case, it could be your girl, who suddenly seems to be spending more time with her friends (a few of them guys). You’re second priority --- at least that’s the way she makes you feel. Is she trying to tell you something?
Maybe she’s trying to say that it’s over, but she just can’t bring herself to say it. So she thinks that my spending less time with you, she’s passing on the message to you. There’s only one way to find out: ask her what’s wrong, whether she wants to end it. It’s not easy, and the results may not be very easy to gulp, but then that’s better than not knowing the truth, and wondering what’s going on.
Maybe she’s trying to say that it’s over, but she just can’t bring herself to say it. So she thinks that my spending less time with you, she’s passing on the message to you. There’s only one way to find out: ask her what’s wrong, whether she wants to end it. It’s not easy, and the results may not be very easy to gulp, but then that’s better than not knowing the truth, and wondering what’s going on.
IS DATING A GIRL WITHOUT A CAREER A PROBLEM?
You think work schedules, career plans, bigger pay packets and dream of climbing the success ladder and your girl dreams only of you and a good life. In short you are the career guy and she doesn’t have a career on her mind at all! Is it a matter of concern?
Saurabh, 29, an Assistant Director with a production house says it is. He elaborates, “I was dating this very beautiful girl of about 23 who was from a rich family in Chandigarh and was working in a call center. She primarily came to Mumbai to have a blast and to be away from her family. Her folks sent her enough money every month so her own income was like additional moolah for having fun. After a while she got tired of her job and quit it. She dabbled in modeling and acting but not too many offers came by instantly, as she didn’t do the rounds of production houses as often as required. Since she had too much time on hand, she expected me to be around as well. Her demands on my time increased and so did our arguments and fights. The pressure for marriage also built up and the bills of partying as a result of numerous late nights took its toll on my health, work and pocket. The relationship gradually grew too bitter and I still hold her being jobless as the major culprit. That day onwards I swore to myself that I will stay away from girls who aren’t career conscious because then you become the nucleus of their world and handling that kind of attention with a demanding career is impossible.”
Anuj, 26, an IT professional with a leading IT company confesses that he finds girls who give up pursuing a career very unattractive and finds nothing on hand to discuss with them. He says, “Girls who are just looking at settling down post graduation are a big turn off for me. I can’t imagine seeing a girl with no serious career in hand simply because her outlook towards life will be too shallow and she will not be able to understand my world.”
Nirmal, a businessman running a family owned firm disagrees. He says, “I would prefer a girl who is not career conscious at all because in the end it is my duty to run a family and I am man enough to take care of her expenses and can provide her with a comfortable lifestyle. I don’t want my woman fretting it out in a man’s world and working under people.”
Though there may be enough men who think like Nirmal, most career conscious men from the generation X want a woman with a career. Their reasons are simple.
• Only a career woman can fend for her and for the family financially as well as emotionally in case of a crisis.
• A career woman has a world of her own so she does not get too over demanding on the guy’s time.
• She understands work schedules and commitments since she is aware of the pressures of the professional world.
• A career woman has her own perspective so she is more intellectually stimulated, well informed and more grounded – a better match for a career guy.
• She has less time on hand to think of issues and create issues so there is less space for arguments and discontentment.
• In case of a career girl, the financial pressures are shared between the guy and the girl. This also leads both of them to afford a better lifestyle.
But what do you do if you have landed in love with a no career girl?
• Explain to her your priorities and stimulate her to enter a field that interests her. For all you know, you might just get her started on a very stimulating career path.
• Voice your concern about the issue and initiate her to take up a course or pursue a hobby like music, painting or writing professionally. The thrill of having her paintings exhibited and the charm of seeing her name in the by-line of an article might just get her started.
If your attempts at getting her to go serious about a career do not work, look at your own priorities and decide. After all, relating to your partner and being happy in a relationship are two extremely important factors for your bond to grow. So weigh your heart and mind, and take a call!
Saurabh, 29, an Assistant Director with a production house says it is. He elaborates, “I was dating this very beautiful girl of about 23 who was from a rich family in Chandigarh and was working in a call center. She primarily came to Mumbai to have a blast and to be away from her family. Her folks sent her enough money every month so her own income was like additional moolah for having fun. After a while she got tired of her job and quit it. She dabbled in modeling and acting but not too many offers came by instantly, as she didn’t do the rounds of production houses as often as required. Since she had too much time on hand, she expected me to be around as well. Her demands on my time increased and so did our arguments and fights. The pressure for marriage also built up and the bills of partying as a result of numerous late nights took its toll on my health, work and pocket. The relationship gradually grew too bitter and I still hold her being jobless as the major culprit. That day onwards I swore to myself that I will stay away from girls who aren’t career conscious because then you become the nucleus of their world and handling that kind of attention with a demanding career is impossible.”
Anuj, 26, an IT professional with a leading IT company confesses that he finds girls who give up pursuing a career very unattractive and finds nothing on hand to discuss with them. He says, “Girls who are just looking at settling down post graduation are a big turn off for me. I can’t imagine seeing a girl with no serious career in hand simply because her outlook towards life will be too shallow and she will not be able to understand my world.”
Nirmal, a businessman running a family owned firm disagrees. He says, “I would prefer a girl who is not career conscious at all because in the end it is my duty to run a family and I am man enough to take care of her expenses and can provide her with a comfortable lifestyle. I don’t want my woman fretting it out in a man’s world and working under people.”
Though there may be enough men who think like Nirmal, most career conscious men from the generation X want a woman with a career. Their reasons are simple.
• Only a career woman can fend for her and for the family financially as well as emotionally in case of a crisis.
• A career woman has a world of her own so she does not get too over demanding on the guy’s time.
• She understands work schedules and commitments since she is aware of the pressures of the professional world.
• A career woman has her own perspective so she is more intellectually stimulated, well informed and more grounded – a better match for a career guy.
• She has less time on hand to think of issues and create issues so there is less space for arguments and discontentment.
• In case of a career girl, the financial pressures are shared between the guy and the girl. This also leads both of them to afford a better lifestyle.
But what do you do if you have landed in love with a no career girl?
• Explain to her your priorities and stimulate her to enter a field that interests her. For all you know, you might just get her started on a very stimulating career path.
• Voice your concern about the issue and initiate her to take up a course or pursue a hobby like music, painting or writing professionally. The thrill of having her paintings exhibited and the charm of seeing her name in the by-line of an article might just get her started.
If your attempts at getting her to go serious about a career do not work, look at your own priorities and decide. After all, relating to your partner and being happy in a relationship are two extremely important factors for your bond to grow. So weigh your heart and mind, and take a call!
SHE IS NOT GOING TO STAY
She loved you, adored you, you both had a great time together and were happily progressing in a relationship and then suddenly one day she dumped you without a warning and moved on. You are left pondering… where were the signs? How could you not see it coming? How could you not sense the distance setting in?
But in most probability, signs existed, distances increased and you just couldn’t see the changing equation. Or you possibly didn’t want to see it. But knowing the warning signs is important. If you recognize them early enough, you can take the upper hand by trying to make reparations in the relationship or by preparing yourself for a fall out or by ending it yourself.
Here are seven warning signs that whisper to you that she is losing interest and pulling away from you:
1. She does not call you as often and rarely returns your calls
Earlier she called you quite often and never slept before at least saying a good night. She ached to tell you the events of the day and listen to yours. But now her calls have become sparse and she does not actively return your calls either. The signal is clear - you aren’t on her mind as much as you used to be. Lack of returning calls elaborates that she is trying to put some distance between the two of you. It could also mean that she is busy talking to someone else – a contender for your position of course!
2. She avoids ‘alone’ time with you
A woman in a happy relationship will always look for some ‘alone’ time with you. Those are the most cherished moments for the both of you. But if she is avoiding any chance of being together alone then she is obviously trying to avoid intimacy with you. If she prefers her friends over you and increasingly has less to talk about with you then she is obviously losing interest.
3. She doesn’t adore your touch anymore
Earlier your simple hug or a peck on her cheek put her in a great mood, but if the same hug or a peck now is not welcomed even with a smile and is rather avoided then you should know what you are dealing with.
4. Her career suddenly means everything to her
When you call, does she complain about being disturbed at work? Is she burning the mid night oil at work almost every other night? Has her office become her destination for weekends as well? When you complain, does she retort by saying coldly that her career is her priority and comes over and above everything for her? If yes then the hint is rather clear. She is trying to tell you that you aren’t her focus anymore. Because if she were serious about you, she would have created time for you however busy she may have been.
5. She has lost interest in sex
Sex for a woman means much more than physical satisfaction. So when a woman pulls away from sex, especially in the early stages of a relationship, she is often also pulling away from you emotionally. This is a sure shot sign that tells you about her plans of exit. Decide your action route now!
6. She is always on a lookout for reasons to fight
If she gets upset with you for just leaving a couple of dirty dishes in the sink or for talking loudly or for being just five minutes late then she is obviously switching off from you. Her anger towards you has reached a level where it has become volatile and that’s why even the smallest of non-issues are setting her off. For all you know, by fighting with you so often and expressing her irritation towards you, she may even be hoping that you’ll take the hint and exit from her life on your own without creating a scene. Don’t let this go noticed. Take a call before it’s too late.
7. She avoids being cozy with you amongst friends and public
If she once allowed you to hold her hand in public and hug her from the back but now squirms away, then it simply means that she does not want people to know that you both are together. This is the first step toward an actual breakup.
If she displays one of the warning signs above, she may be just beginning to lose interest or something in the relationship might be troubling her. Figure out the reasons and see if it can be taken care of. If she displays two or three of the warning signs given below, she is definitely not so much into you anymore. It will be tough to salvage the situation but it may be possible. But if you identify with four or more signs, then face the fact that she is not going to stay. Get ready to handle the split.
But in most probability, signs existed, distances increased and you just couldn’t see the changing equation. Or you possibly didn’t want to see it. But knowing the warning signs is important. If you recognize them early enough, you can take the upper hand by trying to make reparations in the relationship or by preparing yourself for a fall out or by ending it yourself.
Here are seven warning signs that whisper to you that she is losing interest and pulling away from you:
1. She does not call you as often and rarely returns your calls
Earlier she called you quite often and never slept before at least saying a good night. She ached to tell you the events of the day and listen to yours. But now her calls have become sparse and she does not actively return your calls either. The signal is clear - you aren’t on her mind as much as you used to be. Lack of returning calls elaborates that she is trying to put some distance between the two of you. It could also mean that she is busy talking to someone else – a contender for your position of course!
2. She avoids ‘alone’ time with you
A woman in a happy relationship will always look for some ‘alone’ time with you. Those are the most cherished moments for the both of you. But if she is avoiding any chance of being together alone then she is obviously trying to avoid intimacy with you. If she prefers her friends over you and increasingly has less to talk about with you then she is obviously losing interest.
3. She doesn’t adore your touch anymore
Earlier your simple hug or a peck on her cheek put her in a great mood, but if the same hug or a peck now is not welcomed even with a smile and is rather avoided then you should know what you are dealing with.
4. Her career suddenly means everything to her
When you call, does she complain about being disturbed at work? Is she burning the mid night oil at work almost every other night? Has her office become her destination for weekends as well? When you complain, does she retort by saying coldly that her career is her priority and comes over and above everything for her? If yes then the hint is rather clear. She is trying to tell you that you aren’t her focus anymore. Because if she were serious about you, she would have created time for you however busy she may have been.
5. She has lost interest in sex
Sex for a woman means much more than physical satisfaction. So when a woman pulls away from sex, especially in the early stages of a relationship, she is often also pulling away from you emotionally. This is a sure shot sign that tells you about her plans of exit. Decide your action route now!
6. She is always on a lookout for reasons to fight
If she gets upset with you for just leaving a couple of dirty dishes in the sink or for talking loudly or for being just five minutes late then she is obviously switching off from you. Her anger towards you has reached a level where it has become volatile and that’s why even the smallest of non-issues are setting her off. For all you know, by fighting with you so often and expressing her irritation towards you, she may even be hoping that you’ll take the hint and exit from her life on your own without creating a scene. Don’t let this go noticed. Take a call before it’s too late.
7. She avoids being cozy with you amongst friends and public
If she once allowed you to hold her hand in public and hug her from the back but now squirms away, then it simply means that she does not want people to know that you both are together. This is the first step toward an actual breakup.
If she displays one of the warning signs above, she may be just beginning to lose interest or something in the relationship might be troubling her. Figure out the reasons and see if it can be taken care of. If she displays two or three of the warning signs given below, she is definitely not so much into you anymore. It will be tough to salvage the situation but it may be possible. But if you identify with four or more signs, then face the fact that she is not going to stay. Get ready to handle the split.
WHEN YOUR PARENTS MAKE HER FEEL UNWANTED
In today's world, this is a problem not unheard of. Parents do not openly disregard their son's choice because they know it will not be entertained but, at the same time, they don't fully accept his choice either. They play cold, make the girl feel unwanted and hope for their son and the girl to part ways soon. What should a guy caught in such a situation do?
1. Don’t over react
Over reaction will only make things worse. Feeling bad is obvious but do not openly announce mutiny against your parents. Distancing yourself from your partner just because your parents dislike her is not justified either. After all, what is the guarantee they will like another girl that you choose for yourself? The best way out is to wait for time to pass and see how things proceed. For all you know, this unpleasant phase might just pass.
2. Talk to your parents to discuss issues but do not fight
Take your parents out for a relaxed dinner and bring up the topic. Find out what’s bothering them. If they have valid reasons, talk to your partner and sort them out. If they do not like the way she speaks or how she behaves with them or have felt uncomfortable with an incident, it can always be sorted out. But if there is no logic behind their disliking or if the reasons are not acceptable to you, then it’s important for you to take a stand and let them know about it.
3. Stick to your stand and be sure of your choice
Once you take a stand, be sure of it and do not dwindle. If your parents figure that you are weak in your commitment towards the girl, they are bound to try to create more distances between the two of you. Keep dropping hints to let them know that the girl makes you happy and is here to stay. On seeing your dedication towards her and the relationship, they might just start opening to the idea of getting to know her better.
4. Don’t tell her the bitter details
If your mother thinks that her family isn’t good enough or that she isn’t pretty enough for you then you don’t really have to tell her these details. These bitter words will linger in her head and constantly hurt her, even after years, and might prevent her from being nice to them.
5. Be ready to rough it out
It is likely that your liking for your partner may take you away from your family. But if you do decide to take your relationship with your girl to another level, be sure not to take out the anger of your strained relationship with your parents on her. You will have to accept that given the situation you are in, one of your loved ones will have to go. So take a call and live it through.
1. Don’t over react
Over reaction will only make things worse. Feeling bad is obvious but do not openly announce mutiny against your parents. Distancing yourself from your partner just because your parents dislike her is not justified either. After all, what is the guarantee they will like another girl that you choose for yourself? The best way out is to wait for time to pass and see how things proceed. For all you know, this unpleasant phase might just pass.
2. Talk to your parents to discuss issues but do not fight
Take your parents out for a relaxed dinner and bring up the topic. Find out what’s bothering them. If they have valid reasons, talk to your partner and sort them out. If they do not like the way she speaks or how she behaves with them or have felt uncomfortable with an incident, it can always be sorted out. But if there is no logic behind their disliking or if the reasons are not acceptable to you, then it’s important for you to take a stand and let them know about it.
3. Stick to your stand and be sure of your choice
Once you take a stand, be sure of it and do not dwindle. If your parents figure that you are weak in your commitment towards the girl, they are bound to try to create more distances between the two of you. Keep dropping hints to let them know that the girl makes you happy and is here to stay. On seeing your dedication towards her and the relationship, they might just start opening to the idea of getting to know her better.
4. Don’t tell her the bitter details
If your mother thinks that her family isn’t good enough or that she isn’t pretty enough for you then you don’t really have to tell her these details. These bitter words will linger in her head and constantly hurt her, even after years, and might prevent her from being nice to them.
5. Be ready to rough it out
It is likely that your liking for your partner may take you away from your family. But if you do decide to take your relationship with your girl to another level, be sure not to take out the anger of your strained relationship with your parents on her. You will have to accept that given the situation you are in, one of your loved ones will have to go. So take a call and live it through.
IT TAKES TWO TO SHARE
Don’t turn your partner into your psychiatrist. By doing so, you unwittingly force her to be strong always, so that you can always be weak and cry on her shoulders. This is too great a burden and eventually, it will become irksome. Self-disclosure and the accompanying vulnerability that goes with it should be shared, and not be one-sided.
THE MAGIC OF TOUCH
There is no such thing as too much intimacy. Any relationship blooms to its maximum potential when quiet, simple yet delightful pleasures are experienced. This also brings with it a sense of excitement.
One such pleasure is that of touch. When you touch your partner it sends out positive signals like I love you and I care for you. It is a medium of expressing warm, true and intense affection and caring. It provides a great deal of comfort.
Touching enlivens our lives. It nurtures our relationships. The gift of touch contains within it the miracle of healing and bonding. Touch is a means of connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually.
One such pleasure is that of touch. When you touch your partner it sends out positive signals like I love you and I care for you. It is a medium of expressing warm, true and intense affection and caring. It provides a great deal of comfort.
Touching enlivens our lives. It nurtures our relationships. The gift of touch contains within it the miracle of healing and bonding. Touch is a means of connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually.
ARE YOU PASSIONATE ENOUGH?
Did passionate affairs exist only in The Titanic? Do men really search for deep-rooted love or is it a fleeting emotion? Passion and men!!! That comes to play only when cars go in a dizzy play at the Grand Prix or Brazil takes on Argentina in the Soccer finals or Tendulkar smashes a century. The emotion seems to have set sail for good from the love coast! So where has all the passion gone? Definitely out of the relation!
Why is love taking a beating when it comes to passion (no we are not taking into account jilted lovers and the sad scenes they create)? Why aren't men as lovelorn (they were portrayed as that at least) as they once were? Where are the passionate `I love you's?
Probably it is the hectic pace of city life and demanding times that keep us from professing love in all earnestness, probably it is the pressures of working life that now dominate an area that was earlier reserved for romantic talk, or probably we have just become very unromantic.
The causes are many and diverse, but the truth is -- there is no replacing a passionate `I love you' to your sweetheart. Don't take this much required relationship booster for granted. Do share generous amounts from time to time.
After all with passion talk, like hunger, one meal is just not enough.
Why is love taking a beating when it comes to passion (no we are not taking into account jilted lovers and the sad scenes they create)? Why aren't men as lovelorn (they were portrayed as that at least) as they once were? Where are the passionate `I love you's?
Probably it is the hectic pace of city life and demanding times that keep us from professing love in all earnestness, probably it is the pressures of working life that now dominate an area that was earlier reserved for romantic talk, or probably we have just become very unromantic.
The causes are many and diverse, but the truth is -- there is no replacing a passionate `I love you' to your sweetheart. Don't take this much required relationship booster for granted. Do share generous amounts from time to time.
After all with passion talk, like hunger, one meal is just not enough.
THE JOYS OF INTIMACY
Everywhere around us, we see the one-night stand culture – relationships with no strings attached. ‘It's convenient that way' is what many say. What they don't know is that emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
A wounded or shattered sense of self may interfere with your capacity for intimacy. When we fear abandonment we may try to stay glued onto another. We may seek to preserve the illusion of intimacy but, in truth, maintain a distance that prevents us from the vulnerability of intimacy.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
If you want to feel closer to your partner, the following suggestions will help. You'll need a high degree of commitment, but the rewards in your sexual and emotional life will be great.
Let's talk
Set aside some time each day to talk and discuss any problem. Make a special effort to talk about what is bothering you and don't avoid emotional or sexual issues. If there is a problem to do with the relationship, don't blame your partner in any way – but work it out together.
Show your true colours
Let your partner see the ‘bad' side of you. It's easy to let anyone know the good things about you, much more difficult to expose aspects of yourself about which you feel worried, guilty or ashamed. But it's revealing these problem areas that make for true intimacy.
Show what you feel
Show your feelings. Affectionate touching is the most straightforward way of demonstrating a need to be close. Show anger too, if you feel it, but not in a destructive way – not directed against your partner.
Don't hide your needs
Give your partner the chance to do things for you. Let go of your emotional independence a little. It's particularly important to be able to ask for things sometimes. Do this and you'll acknowledge that you have needs and you're allowing your partner to meet them.
Take time out
Spend time together on leisure activities. Don't use excuses such as the pressure of work to avoid spending time with your partner.
Don't retreat
Don't distance yourself from your partner, by provoking a quarrel, for example, whenever you sense he or she is getting too close to you.
Give yourself a chance to let go and you will get there. If you don't, you would be getting in the way of a beautiful blooming relationship.
Good luck!
Can you use your eyes to make your move with women? Tell us all!
A wounded or shattered sense of self may interfere with your capacity for intimacy. When we fear abandonment we may try to stay glued onto another. We may seek to preserve the illusion of intimacy but, in truth, maintain a distance that prevents us from the vulnerability of intimacy.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
If you want to feel closer to your partner, the following suggestions will help. You'll need a high degree of commitment, but the rewards in your sexual and emotional life will be great.
Let's talk
Set aside some time each day to talk and discuss any problem. Make a special effort to talk about what is bothering you and don't avoid emotional or sexual issues. If there is a problem to do with the relationship, don't blame your partner in any way – but work it out together.
Show your true colours
Let your partner see the ‘bad' side of you. It's easy to let anyone know the good things about you, much more difficult to expose aspects of yourself about which you feel worried, guilty or ashamed. But it's revealing these problem areas that make for true intimacy.
Show what you feel
Show your feelings. Affectionate touching is the most straightforward way of demonstrating a need to be close. Show anger too, if you feel it, but not in a destructive way – not directed against your partner.
Don't hide your needs
Give your partner the chance to do things for you. Let go of your emotional independence a little. It's particularly important to be able to ask for things sometimes. Do this and you'll acknowledge that you have needs and you're allowing your partner to meet them.
Take time out
Spend time together on leisure activities. Don't use excuses such as the pressure of work to avoid spending time with your partner.
Don't retreat
Don't distance yourself from your partner, by provoking a quarrel, for example, whenever you sense he or she is getting too close to you.
Give yourself a chance to let go and you will get there. If you don't, you would be getting in the way of a beautiful blooming relationship.
Good luck!
Can you use your eyes to make your move with women? Tell us all!
HOW MUCH OF YOUR PAST SHOULD YOU REVEAL?
From promiscuousness to a serious relationship is quite a journey. But having traversed it, the question that arises now is that should you let this woman of your dreams know all about your past.
Rupa, 28, a sculptor says, “I like leaving my partners past where it belongs- in the past. It does not affect me. I have also had relationships in the past- both serious and casual so knowing that he had others before me as well isn’t disturbing as long as he is loyal to me now.”
Tanisha, 24, a Management Trainee in a multinational Bank echoes a similar feeling. She says, “My guy had numerous relationships in the past so trusting him was obviously not easy. But gradually I understood the very fact he came out clean in the open and told me all, was a move towards a long-term haul. He could have hidden his past and I would have never guessed. After he told me all, he said I was free to stay or leave, I stayed of course.”
So should you reveal or should you not?
It is quite natural for many to base their current judgments on a person’s past. However, it makes sense to layer your revelations with intelligence and smartness. These few pointers could guide you in being honest, loyal, truthful and smart at the same time.
Talk about your past love but be sensitive while you spill the beans
Countless couples break up as a result of skeletons in the closet. The problem is that most of us lack the courage to face our demons and risk our relationships. But this is a chance one must take. Talk about your past associations of the heart but talk smartly. Do not go into unnecessary intimate details but do mention names, talk about what was good and what wasn’t. Explain the issues and the reasons behind the relationship failure.
Keep your conquest count to yourself
It’s usually not a great idea to let your current girl know the tally of your conquests. Doing so will upset her and put you at risk of being on your own.
Do not get into juicy details about your past sexual experiences and joy rides
Your girl does not want to know the sexual fantasies you shared with other women or the wild times that you might have shared in bed with someone else. This will only make her feel that she is another one in your list of sexual toys.
Don’t just talk about the bad stuff
When you are revealing- reveal all. Talk about your defeats. Put your ego at rest for a bit and talk about how a woman took you for a wild ride and then dropped you. Talk about different experiences- of hurt, of cheating, of being cheated, of love, of lust. This will give your current girl the space and the sensibility to understand that while you may have a wild streak, you are also a nice man.
Convince her that you are fed up of being a playboy
You might have cheated in the past and might have even flaunted your playboy image but now that you are ready to settle down with this ‘perfect’ woman, tell her about it. Everyone makes mistake but your honesty and open-mindedness about accepting your mistakes and eagerness to change for the better is bound to impress her. Having said all this, stick to it to the last alphabet. Honesty and loyalty are doctrines that you must not destroy for your won good.
Love her genuinely and make her feel loved
True love can erase all doubts. If you are able to make her feel genuinely loved, making her forget your past, however promiscuous it may have been, should not be a tough task to achieve.
The mantra is that, she might stay, she might go but in any case she deserves to know. Happy confessing!
Rupa, 28, a sculptor says, “I like leaving my partners past where it belongs- in the past. It does not affect me. I have also had relationships in the past- both serious and casual so knowing that he had others before me as well isn’t disturbing as long as he is loyal to me now.”
Tanisha, 24, a Management Trainee in a multinational Bank echoes a similar feeling. She says, “My guy had numerous relationships in the past so trusting him was obviously not easy. But gradually I understood the very fact he came out clean in the open and told me all, was a move towards a long-term haul. He could have hidden his past and I would have never guessed. After he told me all, he said I was free to stay or leave, I stayed of course.”
So should you reveal or should you not?
It is quite natural for many to base their current judgments on a person’s past. However, it makes sense to layer your revelations with intelligence and smartness. These few pointers could guide you in being honest, loyal, truthful and smart at the same time.
Talk about your past love but be sensitive while you spill the beans
Countless couples break up as a result of skeletons in the closet. The problem is that most of us lack the courage to face our demons and risk our relationships. But this is a chance one must take. Talk about your past associations of the heart but talk smartly. Do not go into unnecessary intimate details but do mention names, talk about what was good and what wasn’t. Explain the issues and the reasons behind the relationship failure.
Keep your conquest count to yourself
It’s usually not a great idea to let your current girl know the tally of your conquests. Doing so will upset her and put you at risk of being on your own.
Do not get into juicy details about your past sexual experiences and joy rides
Your girl does not want to know the sexual fantasies you shared with other women or the wild times that you might have shared in bed with someone else. This will only make her feel that she is another one in your list of sexual toys.
Don’t just talk about the bad stuff
When you are revealing- reveal all. Talk about your defeats. Put your ego at rest for a bit and talk about how a woman took you for a wild ride and then dropped you. Talk about different experiences- of hurt, of cheating, of being cheated, of love, of lust. This will give your current girl the space and the sensibility to understand that while you may have a wild streak, you are also a nice man.
Convince her that you are fed up of being a playboy
You might have cheated in the past and might have even flaunted your playboy image but now that you are ready to settle down with this ‘perfect’ woman, tell her about it. Everyone makes mistake but your honesty and open-mindedness about accepting your mistakes and eagerness to change for the better is bound to impress her. Having said all this, stick to it to the last alphabet. Honesty and loyalty are doctrines that you must not destroy for your won good.
Love her genuinely and make her feel loved
True love can erase all doubts. If you are able to make her feel genuinely loved, making her forget your past, however promiscuous it may have been, should not be a tough task to achieve.
The mantra is that, she might stay, she might go but in any case she deserves to know. Happy confessing!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)